Friday, November 19, 2010

the top 7 list of things ......18.11.10

I caught up with an old friend today, we laughed and reminisced about the good old days when we were little tools, and it was just like the good old days, except now we have kids, and  to my pleasant surprisee not much had changed, only this time, our mindless chatter was interrupted by hungry toddlers instead of the lunch bell, and our conversations had turned from boys and bands to husband's, kids and pointless daytime T.V.

 It was one of those days  you can only have with a great old friend, the one who knew you when you didn't have shit under your fingernails and if you did it certainly wouldn't have been a normal topic of conversation if you did.

With nostalgia in the air our conversation turned to the time we were perfect parents, aaaahhhhh  those were the wonderful rose coloured days before we had birthed our young.

I see those perfect parents everywhere, they seem to congregate at coles right on 3:25. only the childless or desperate, toilet paperless parents  are stupid enough to visit such places right on schools end.

As I am the queen of procrastination, I have been that desperate toilet paperless parent on far to many occasions, weaving my pram through the veg isles so that I won't be the slack arse parent that didn't pack fruit break ( again, occasionally guilty) dodging as many tantrum triggers as I possibly can and screeching "look Santa is watching you" at every Christmas decoration dangling in the place........ {and by the way a quick thank you to Mr Westfarmers for hanging the fucking things from late July, It distracts my children from the two hundred thousand toddler tempters you have strung neatly and directly at toddler eye height as it  provides me with an extra 4 months of shameless bribery}

But should the Christmas decorations or shameless bribery fail, guarenfuckingteed, there will be a perfect childless parent there to enjoy the show.

So I would like to take a moment to raise my glass of no artificial colours or flavours to these exceptional parents, and say my top 7 things I have been too chicken shit to say to your face in isle 15.

1. Yes I am fully aware my child has his hands all over the pick n mix, I just don't care

2. Yes Thank you, I do now realise my child poked his finger through the plastic on 5 packages of mince and I do know where his hands have been, they have been all over the pick and mix and I see a similar indentation in the watermelon in your trolley.

3. I am also aware that you would never take your child out with a dirty face, snotty nose or chocolate milk down her shirt and no shoes, but I had a hard enough time prying my bra and plastic beads out of her little hands because that's what she wanted to wear and I don't put shoes on her when I am strapping 3 children into the car as I have a front yard of specially grown bindis that prevent her from running out onto the road.

4. I'm sorry you can't clearly see what items are on special as my child has collected every coloured bit of paper sticking out from the shelf and is now cackling over his precious collection of monies, think of it as check out lotto, if it's cheaper than you thought, that's my present to you.

5.It isn't my fault anything is located directly adjacent to the toys, and that the toys are located in the same isle as most other child necessities like nappies,   I will not apologise for the fact you have avoided 2 direct hits from a wayward hot wheels, because I was the one throwing them at you, what are you doing in the isle that has toys?... you have no kids so ping ding and get out of my way, you are taking up precious pram space... and if you happen to be buying toys for a friends child, then the second one was for her because we all know you will choose the noisiest one.

6. Yes I do know my child is hanging like a monkey from the rails at the check outs and he has kicked you in the shins twice interrupting your reading of OK magazine, but I am trying to remember my pin whilst attempting to pay with my chemist rewards card, It is the same colour as my bank card  you see and kids are germy little things and I spend quite allot of money at the chemist, that reminds me.....I wouldn't eat that watermelon.

7. And last but not least  can you please get your immaculately clean two door out of my fucking parents with prams spot, just as soon as they open up a spot for selfish crocks, I'm sure they will announce it with some sort of flyer, Have a great day

xx Emma xx



Michelle Twin Mum said...

ohhh I am there with you Emma, every step of the way. 3 unruly dirty kids here!

Happy FYB Friday, Mich x

allison tait said...

Oh to be back in those perfect parent days, before I had a bloody clue.

Veggie Mama said...

This is amazing. Can't wait to pay for something with my chemist rewards card!

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

*snort* Too funny. "I wouldn't eat that watermelon!"

Rachael Cahours Acklin said...

Oh my god, you are so funny. Thanks for the giggles! (I have four myself)

Bronnie and family said...

Found you via Flog Your Blog. You could be me, except I only have two children creating the same supermarket carnage. xo

Jacki said...

He he he! Brilliant post - I think we're kindred spirits! I found you through FYBF!