Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I'm Sorry....

I am sorry I haven't been to visit since you heard the news, I want to,........... but can't.
I know the time is ticking away, It is ticking a lot louder and faster now.

I'm sorry I walked past you at Christmas.... every time I walked past I thought... I'll sit with you on my way back... I'll finally have the conversation.....I wanted to .... but can't.
I know you noticed......... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I tried to keep it as normal as possible for you.... I shouldn't have..... It's not normal and it sucks.
I didn't want to make a spectacle.... or make you more uncomfortable.
You are in enough pain.

I know you think of little else........ I can see it in your face,
........ but I couldn't remind you.

I couldn't remind myself.

I just want to sit and chat like we always do, I want to laugh and bitch and make fun of everyone like we always do..........

But I cant.

Do you still want to......I want you get into heaven you know?

I will,...... just when I think of the right words, although there aren't any......
I will after I have had the conversation five times in my head first so I will always know the right thing to say...............

I know the right thing to say is that I love you.

I want to scream 
"It sucks arse and lets do all the stuff we said we'd do.... quick before it's too late!"............
 but I cant.
Before it's too late is not the right thing to say............

 It's what I am thinking.
I don't want you to hear that from me... and you will even if I don't say it.

I want you to know I cry because I will be here,........and soon you will not.

I want you to know that I'll be here for everything you hold dear, even when you are not.
   and
I know you will be here... even when you are not.

But you are still.... so what the fuck am I waiting for?

Emma xx



3 comments:

bigwords is... said...

oh man, sounds like you need to talk to someone and let them know how you are feeling. Hope all is ok x

whatsinemmasbrain said...

Thank you, that is very sweet. All is ok, Just writing it all out, Then I sleep better. x :)

Danielle said...

hope you are ok sweets:-) xxx Big (((HUGS))) xxxx