Monday, February 28, 2011

Herpes Suck


After my bi monthly Friday drinks with the gals ended a little later than usual...
(like perhaps 4am, after we all ended back at my next door neighbours house... where we perhaps finished the lovely bottle of Vodka my husbands dickhead boss gave him for Christmas... and I may or may not have been singing badly into a plastic wineglass....... in her pool)

Sorry Lynne on the left.

 My Saturday morning was far from pleasant.
I had THE MOTHER of all hangovers, head pounding... bile rising..make up grit, gluing my eyes together like Tarzan's grip, and filling them with burning mascara sand , kind of hangover.

I am lucky enough to be employed by my children...
 So my day starts at the arse crack of dawn regardless of what time I went to bed, or weather I have indeed, had an eight hour break between shifts.
My beautiful husband, with his disgustingly cheerful morning demeanor, filled my line of sight with his very large head.

At first I was grateful for the shade from the irritating bright morning sun, that was burning its vitamin D goodness into my Mabeline encrusted retinas, he bent in for a kiss.... bless him, and that's when I saw it.

Sitting just above his top lip was a festering puss filled something... ingrown hair?.... Zit?... could have been the beginnings of herpes simplex? I didn't know but it was yellow and the sight made me gag up my 2 am kebab.
 I offered him the last minute cheek swipe... you know... patted him gingerly on the back..
 there there, back at you... mwah"

"Whats wrong?" puss face asked in his most enthusiastic voice " did the rock star from last night have a little too much wine?.... hmmmmmmm?"

The whole time he was making me stabby with his morning cheer, the bulbous whatever it was was hovering above me, glowing like a jaundiced flare, ready to burst at any second..... he smiled and it turned upward with his lip and sat bang underneath the shade of his nostril.
I couldn't look away. 

 I replied... "I love you babe,....... but I think you have a cold sore... its really gross... I love you ............I really do, but you are making me sick... I cant deal, .... not this morning.. sorry... don't kiss me....".

Puss face gave me a look of mock offence and asked why it was that he could kiss me with my putrid Au De Ashtray hangover mouth but I couldn't kiss him with a tiny ingrown hair.

 I laughed.
and told him it was because he was a germ encrusted boy and
The fact that he called it tiny was amusing, it was akin to giving a Rottweiler a name like fi-fi...

He and his pimple stomped of to the mirror to get better acquainted.
I couldn't look, I imagined the the squeezing and the popping and I gagged again.........

I am usually pretty good with this stuff... I have a relatively strong stomach.
I am not a dry retch wuss.... I can cut the mould off a bit of cheese and eat the good bit.
 I didn't balk when my dad would cut the spoilt bit off of a homegrown nectarine and feed it to me.....
Dad had a 1/3 policy, if less than one third of the fruit was bruised and festering... possibly with fruit fly ,...... then it was A OK..... and I ate it and was glad...
 Or didn't know any different... whatever,............... I could ramble off fourteen hundred things that my parents did that make me a weirdo,...... but this is not the time.

Point is, making me sick is no easy task.... but it was.... you know....either offend him... or puke in his face?

It turned into a slight argument over weather or not it was a cold sore... and by semi argument I mean me saying it was a cold sore... him denying it claiming it to be an ingrown hair....... and Ms two standing next to me hand on hip saying.."shh colsore dad....." ( and yes this does mean we fight in front of our kids, .. mother of the year....) and him sulking while I went off to help Lynne on the left, pick up bottles and cracker wrappers from around her pool.

Turns out it was a cold sore......  also I won a bet.........

My weekend.



Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

Your weekend, including Herpes, was waaaay funnerererer than mine.
P.S. what's wrong with naming a Rotti Fi Fi? :P

Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures said...

The whole thing made me laugh, but not nearly as much as when you referred to your husband as "puss face". Gold!

Kristy said...

How did you make it through the day?! Hangovers suck just as bad as herpes! I suppose.

Veggie Mama said...

Haha you had me at "'What's wrong?' Puss Face asked". hi-larious.