Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I Have Resorted To Toilet Humour

This post is rated O for Over share

I am not a public farter, I will declare to friends and loved ones in hushed tones the need to fart, but I will not follow the statement with a fart... I just cant do it... In fact I don't even know why I announce it at all.
Do you know the most fucked up thing though... and I am just going to come right out and say it..

 I don't fart in front of my husband.

It isn't that I cant... and I will certainly try to sneak one in his presence... but just not openly... like pin you down and fart on you kind of way.

I don't hold it and I don't by any means run to the toilet every time I need to fart, but I will certainly make myself discreet.

He farts... all the time, His favorite trick is to squat over the family cat while she is sleeping and let one rip, I see the amusement.. the look of disdain on her face is hilarious.

I Just really don't know how this happened, It is like I missed the very vital opening in the relationship, when it is acceptable to fart in the presence of your lover... He has always done it...way before I would have ever felt comfortable...and now..... I missed that opening.

He teases me about it often... tries to be reassuring, offers to go first...... but still nothing.
I swear I am not an uptight bitch but I just don't get the whole concept of pooing with the door open either, I am very much a door closed... no one outside the door, don't talk to me kind of bowl mover.
These two things must be related somehow.

It is a running joke that I will eventually fart in front of my husband... It would be like a grand gesture... an anniversary present.. but there in lies the problem... It has just become way to big a deal, we have been married for ten years this year.. together for thirteen, that is a lot of hype. Way too much pressure, (pardon the pun)

This has not really been too much of an issue before, but Mr Emmasbrain has recently had a change of profession, which has been fantastic because he is home a lot more..... But it also means that I have less open farting time.
So Enough being enough... I am biting the bullet and I am just going to start doing it. I have to.. I have no other choice..
I will keep you all way too informed on how this all goes.

Are you an open farter?

Emma xx


Fox in the City said...

First off, I love how you rate these posts!

Secondly, you are not alone. I have had to let go of the using the bathroom by myself thing because I have kids that demand to be with me almost every second that we are together. I also had a rather invasive knee surgery that required my hubby to hold my leg when I used the bathroom (until we figured out a bucket would also work) so that pretty much blew the mystery out of our relationship. However, it is an on-going joke that I need the home court advantage when it comes to BM's! That is something I prefer to do all by myself . . . thank you very much!

As for farts, there is no need to just let one rip. If you are comfortable doing so on the sly then that is the way to go!


Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures said...

I vividly remember the first time my Hubby farted in front of me. He was in my car, and when I cane back out to my car from ducking to the bank he had all my windows down. I asked what he was doing and he said it was hot in there. I got it and could smell what he'd done. The dead giveaway being it was about 7 degrees outside, so not the least bit hot. He was embarrassed, but that was his 'opening' and he now openly farts on everything, my head included. I also (dear God why I am I admitting this!?) farted while using the toilet once and I knew he was nearby, tried desperately to hold it in only to have it echo. I still get teased about it nearly four years later. Kudos to your well kept secret. My advice, guard your carnal gases as long as you can!

Miss Pink said...

You're telling me i'm not alone??
I am not a big farter. I burp a fair bit, openly too. But farting? I just never have been, even since a child. And so after almost 6 years with Mr Black i am yet to fart in his presence. He doesn't fart often in mine as well actually. Just because we don't feel the need to sniff one another's farts. Not that i'm overly grossed out, we all do it, i know that, but it's just how our relationship is.
No farting competitions here.
You don't need to fart around one another to have a complete relationship imo.

Kellie said...

I have NEVER farted in front of my partner. Almost three years in, we have a child who was born via the sunroof so he's seen my insides and I still wont fart in front of him.
He is not unlike your hubby, farting on the cat and things. Our cats are probably plotting his death.
Me? Im just waiting for him to go to bed so I can release. I have a tummy ache.

Marlee said...

Hahahaha! Love this post, and your writing style it's so funny! I consider myself lucky though, as my hubby is not a huge farter, nor am I, but both of us do appreciate a good fart joke. Your husband sounds hilarious!! And you have my condolences.... :)

alliecat said...

I try really hard not to, no matter the company. Him, he doesn't care! All I ask is for some warning when he does those silent deadly ones, but no, usually I have to discover that horror for myself, so selfish is he! It's a guy thing, I am sure, no shame.

Sarah said...

I am totally the same... Married 10.5 years & together for 15 years & have tried to be deiscreet & been caught out twice ever.

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

I laughed so hard at this I farted.

Hear Mum Roar said...

Oh no. Looks like I'm in the minority on this one! Yes, I fart in front of my partner. In fact, for us, it's a sport. He's great on acoustics, I'm known for my stench.

We fart on our children, in fact, if I need my children to leave me alone for whatever reason, I will fart and they will leave the room immediately.

I have used farts as an effective threat for bad behaviour. I have dutch-ovened my man in bed for annoying behaviour. I have, when my children come into my bed of a morning for a cuddle, asked if they'd like to play dutch oven.

The under fours excitedly squeal, 'yes pleease!' then brrt! 'I don't wanna play that anymore'...

Which I find all rather odd, because I was raised in a very stiff upper lip kind of family. We were NOT ALLOWED to fart, not even by accident. I still don't fart in public, or when visitors come over (unless it's my partner's family, they have an appreciation, no, an expectation of this kind of thing).

So yeah, going by this post, and the comments below, I wonder if I'm doomed. lol