Monday, April 18, 2011

When enough is enough......

           Hey... remember when I was bitten by something nasty? This is all that is left of that now......
I thank you all for your continued concern, Thought I'd show you that I am fine and you cant even notice it any more and it is no longer festy.


Just a little bit of a red dent.. I don't think it will even scar........
Anti climax right?

I did a lot of thinking that weekend though, and Emma's brain had one of those brain electrical storms that ends with a beautiful rainbow of clarity......

 I omitted some details of my night in the ED, (from said bite..) You see when I first went into triage, and explained my symptoms, one the nurses first questions was... " Is there any chance I you may be pregnant?"
 probably standard issue triage stuff ... I mean ... I'm pretty sure it's one of those need to know questions...Fair enough.

It made me nervous though..... at first I laughed... and said... Oh.. No....NO. Absolutely not... Thank you... NO.
Mr Emma's Brain made his usual smart arse remark about the need for sex to become pregnant and the nurse politely humoured us and asked me to pee in a jar again.

As I was squatting over the jar...perched in an advanced yoga pose over the cankus hospital toilet bowl...... trying not to piss on my hand or my Sass and Bide's... quietly doing the math of my last cycle... I broke out in a cold sweat..... I knew I wasn't... but... you know.....?
I get the same way about any test...diabetes.... even HIV... I know there is no possible way but still ..what if I trod on an infected needle at the beach and didn't feel it?..It's really annoying, but I am just a bit of a creep like that.

So I make my way back to bed... and waited.....

The Doctor comes over... eventually with a print out on a bit of paper... similar to a receipt and informed us that the pregnancy test was inconclusive, that it was just a machine fault and would I mind peeing again and he may just take some more blood... Just to be sure...

I shot Mr Emma's brain a look of ice emphasised by *shakes fist* glare... this of course would be all his fault.
I knew deep down that I wasn't pregnant... I knew...but it got me thinking.
Was I done?... I thought I was.

It was a mere few weeks ago I cradled my newborn sister,..( Oh yeah... I have a great episode for springer happening in My Family)  I goo'd and gaa'd over her precious little face......and handed her back... nothing...
I have since moved house again... nothing....
Ms 2 has struck up quite a friendship with the son of a dear friend, who just happened to have another newborn of her own.. and I must admit, I take every opportunity I can to suck in the sweet smell of his tiny little head.... and I hand him back..... still,.... nothing

I was done....

I turned to Mr Emmasbrain and informed him that if by the bee's dick chance I was pregnant.. I would be giving him a vasectomy myself... right here.... whilst we were in a sterile environment.

But it begs the question... How do you know when you are done?

I asked my mother once.... in all of her incense smelling wisdom.. and she replied.. "Oh.... you just know"
 I had asked my mother in law and she had told me...."well...I think you just know"

I'll tell you what I know.
After My eldest son (Groover) was born... I did want another... but not any time soon... and if I didn't...well I wasn't too fussed....... by the time he was out of nappies, I still felt the same way... It didn't trigger when his father and I got married and returned from our honeymoon... I had kind of expected that to happen....

What really flicked my clucky button, was when Groover was about 5 we moved house... The minute I had finished unpacking I wanted to fill it with young.... I had a new nest.... and I was filling it.
My husband was very ready for more, it was decided...
It took a little while, but eventually along came Smash.....
After Smash was born... again... I wasn't fussed if I had another..I had two healthy boys, I didn't want to push my luck..... but I didn't rule it out... and then....

Slowly but surely, the dynamics in our little family took a major shift.
Groover was very put out...(still is) about the arrival of smash... Suddenly all of the rules we that had been quite reasonable... seemed unfair. Sometimes I would lay in bed and beat myself up about it... It was unfair... was I favoring the baby?
My Groover, who had looked to tiny and vulnerable when I had left for the hospital with a pile of 000 Bonds Onesis, suddenly looked so huge... It was like overnight he had become a huge, clumsy boy, with little fists capable of pummeling my new born with his attempts at interaction.
In hindsight, I probably did contribute to their jealousy, definitely could have handled that one a little better but....
 You know what I learned?...  Six month old babies cant be expected to follow the same rules as a six year old. I am sorry you are not closer in age, but suck it up, such is life.
His therapist will one day thank me for the new yacht.

As it does....
Life settled down and it felt right again...

Our little red headed princess arrived when Smash had just turned four.
She is on par with chocolate as far as they are both concerned.. they both love her to bits.

I don't know if this is the same as just knowing......... but the dynamics of my little family feel right... things are good..
Time for me is just over the horizon...I can almost  smell it.
Mr Emmasbrain is done... he thinks... no.... he is done.... if I am.

By the time my mind had processed all of  this..... the results are in ...low and behold 
 I'm NOT pregnant.


I asked myself... How did I feel?


I have absolutely no desire to do it again...I am done.

I am off to make *snip snip* gestures at Mr Emmasbrain.


Emma xx







9 comments:

Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures said...

I want to be done, I have a pigeon pair, but I don't think I am.! Oh crap! Haha

Photographer Mum said...

I'm done for the time being, but a part of me wants to do it all again. I had 3 in 3yrs (insanity I know) so I would want to wait a decent amount of time before even considering another one. My husband says he's done. He even went to an appointment with the snip snip doctor but hasn't followed through. Which I am kind of glad about. I just don't like the finality of it though. So, who knows, maybe yes, maybe no, I guess only time will tell.

Kellie said...

I have one of each. Two and a half years and two weeks exactly apart. A brown eyed blonde little girl, a brown haired blue eyed little boy. One was a natural birth, one was a c-section.
I like that I have experienced a bit of everything. I like the symmetry of it. The balance is good in our family.
Im done.

nicolehastings said...

I've "just" had my third (just being 7 months ago) I thought I was done after two, a boy and a girl, pigeon pair, then one day I changed my mind. I had been adamant for so long that 2 were it, but then I just wanted another. And now I have another, and am thinking he is my last, it is all just a bit sad. He is growing up far too quickly and I hate the thought of him being the last baby I cuddle, BUT our house is not big enough, nor our car and we can't really afford anything bigger, so he has to be my last, but it hasn't stopped that feeling.

Miss Pink said...

I am sooo not done. No way. I was still in the birthing suite after giving birth to Greenie and i turned to Mr Black and said, i could do this all again tomorrow. I want to do this all again.
We, well he, relied on EBF as contraceptive for the first 7 months of Greenies life. Me not fussed because secretly i was hoping to fall pregnant just magically and all even though i wasn't ovulating, but Mr Black wore me down to get the Mirena i promised whilst pregnant, even though Aunt Flo was yet to return, and so i was sent for the obligatory pregnancy test, secretly hoping they'd come back telling me that a bun was in the oven. Nope. And so now i have this contraption shoved up my fanny stopping any of THAT happening.
We had a big talk just after Christmas, was he sure he wanted no more? Yes he was. He HAD to be sure, because if not i wanted another N.O.W. not when the kids were older. Nope he was sure he was done. Not even teasing of a possible daughter for him (which he has always wanted) was enough. Not even dangling my besties gorgeous baby girl in his face.
So we are done.
But not by choice.

Best way i can explain it? It feels like there is a little empty pocket in my heart, waiting for another. Now i'm hoping a dog will be enough to fill that space.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I am not done. But circumstances decided otherwise.

And that sucks.

e012cef2-4f97-11e0-9cf8-000bcdcb8a73 said...

I am done, BUT thought I was done when I had one of each and they were 2 and a half and 3 months old.... Hubby went and got a vasectomy, no hassles there, I thought thats what I wanted, enough, done, finished.....
WRONG!! Forward a few years to a 6 year old and 4 year old and I wanted more! 2 was boring, I came from a family of two (one of each) and thats what both my Aunties had too... blah!!
I had another 2 and ended up with 2 girls and 2 boys and NOW I am done!!
So please, dont be too hasty to decide! Its hard when they are still young and you think you are done as you have a screaming baby and a toddler and probably sleep deprivation to boot!
Wait a few years before you do anything permanent! :)
Although the age gap has worked out well as I have two older kids who can help with the younger ones when needed, so that bit was a bonus because having 4 kids with smaller age gaps I would have lost my mind - guaranteed!!

Fox in the City said...

I knew I was done when I got pregnant for the second time and it was the same as the first time . . . vomiting daily for nine months straight. I turned to my hubby half way through and said I will NOT do that ever again. I have two healthy kids and a husband who has been fixed so as to avoid any of the "oops". We have replaced ourselves, we are not out numbered and we are done!
Jenn

Mrs Woog said...

Done. Ten times over done