Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dear Boys.. Fighting 101- The warning signs....

Dear boys,

You are stinky.
No I lie, I like you a lot.... so much in fact I that I am going to invite you for a peek into the inner psyche of a woman, mid fight.

As a man it seems that sometimes it is your job to get it wrong....and that's OK... as a woman it is clearly my patronising right to correct you.....because I am in a mood........ and you will listen.. or in this case ... read... and you will like it.... or don't whatever.....
Through my experience and extensive research and when I say experience and extensive research I clearly mean that I have a husband, a father, a couple of brothers and a handful of male friends...

None the less it appears that to the male... that most fights seem to arrive out of nowhere... like an annoying relative dropping by for an unannounced visit,- staying for an indeterminate amount of time...for some unknown reason.... there may be no coitus whilst the relative is staying... the relative will tear through your home like an icy draught, making everyone uncomfortable...... when the relative departs... calm returns and sexual relations resume.
The male may be unaware of why the relative came to visit,...perhaps not even why the relative left... You may like your spouse a little less because she has such an awful and inconsiderate relative... but hey... coitus resumes.

I am here to help.

PART ONE

Fighting 101- The not so calm before the storm

Fights NEVER appear out of nowhere, there are always many subtleties that announce the impending fight... most of the time these go unnoticed....  getting a little off track.. as it is my God given right... I will try to explain to you how these subtleties work with my Technology theory...........

Twitter is a girl... The paperclip man is a boy......

If you happen to spell something incorrectly on twitter... twitter will never pop up and say..."Hey steady on there Keyboard Jockey... You spelt that wrong.... and then again with WRONG...Dickhead..." much like the paperclip man would... ( or at least in emmasbrain he does..).....
She will just subtly let you know by underlining the error in a squiggly red line... a subtle warning that if you proceed with send.. you will look like a dick head...and it will be on your own head... she warned you.

Much like twitter.... the female has her own squiggly red line warning device... subtle as though it may be... it is still there.....
Squiggly red lines may include, but are not limited to.......

The female asking baited questions........
 Such as... so "Did you bump into Dave today?".... If your spouse hates your friend Dave.... then this is a baited question.... Your spouse may have been spending a little time seething about the last night out you had with Dave, and although you may be under the impression that  the fight may have been and gone... you may have done something similar.... STOP AND THINK!...
Think back to the last time you were out with Dave.........Did I forget-
(A) to call and tell my spouse I am going to be home late...
(B) visited a strip club before the photo's appear on face book ...
(C) could my wife have been in contact with Dave's wife or
(D) It has nothing to do with Dave... she is just shitty and talking about Dave fuels her unjustified anger............
The trick with this one is that you may not be aware that the questions are indeed baited... and that is your problem... However, If the baited questions appear with ANY of the following...Be very wary.....

Drawer Slamming and Cat Cursing......
These are often accompanied by referring to you as "Your Father" to any of your offspring, Your possessions are also almost guaranteed to be treated with far less care than usual.... If you have left your over sized shoes anywhere in her direct line of sight, even if they are tucked neatly out of the way in some barren and unused corner, if your spouse is shitty...  She will not ask you politely to put them away.... she will gather them in a fury.. and in a hurry to draw attention to the fact that you have given her another job to add to her impossibly long to do list........they will be thrown in the back of your wardrobe with far more force than usual.... This type of martyrdom is a classic warning sign..... Be very Wary.....

Prolonged Phone Calls and Long Texting.....
If you are in the shit.... more often than not your spouses best friend or sister will know about this long before you do...... If there are prolonged phone calls or long text messages followed by icy looks in your general direction... you must tread carefully..... It may not even be that you have done anything directly offensive your self... a friends partner may have been inconsiderate and your spouse may have been discussing this outrageous assault with her friend......and it has reminded her of all of your inconsiderate behaviour, magnified your inconsiderate behaviour or they may have been discussing your friend Dave.... Be Very Wary.........

These are but a mere few and the signals can be varied.... But guaranteed... these subtle warning signs will almost always be followed by a stint of Silent Treatment... your knowledge of the warning signs may not avoid the silent treatment...however you now have far more warning and  the silent treatment is no longer your first clue that you are a dog.... and there fore belong in the dog house.......
This moves us right along..... on to
PART TWO......

Silent But Deadly..... Next time in part two... we will cover what is the silent treatment..What exactly is the silent treatment?....Why is the silent treatment not as serene as it sounds? And what to do during the Silent treatment......

The caring and sharing

Emma xx

3 comments:

Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures said...

Hahaha love it!
Looking forward to Part Two.

Miss Pink said...

OMFG i LOVE this. I laughed and nodded the whole way through. Making Mr Black (who cannot read i must assume for all the notes i leave him are often unread) read this TONIGHT! Lol.

Good Golly Miss Holly! said...

Erm, is it just me or does that Doc look alot like old mate, Colonel Sanders? HEY-OOOO!