Saturday, May 14, 2011

PART THREE- The Fight Itself.....

Ill thank you to take your seats in a timely and orderly manner... if you have no idea what you are doing here then you may need to read PART ONE followed closely by PART TWO.
Any time your ready.


As the silent treatment and it's subsequent seething time drawers to a close... The actual fight begins.............

As a general rule, the time in which the silent treatment ends and the actual fight begins is can be distinguished by the following...
 [A]-Your Return, (Silly boy see part two)... Or more commonly
[B]- When you bravely attempt to estimate the cause of your spouse's positively foul demeanour.

Guessing the cause of the argument, or "What the fricketty frick have I done now FFS? Is a painful, dangerous and necessary step in ending the silent treatment....
You must resign your self to the fact that there is sadly... no correct answer...... For even if you guess correctly...  your spouse will reserve the right to call on the following 

You Are Still Wrong Because your wife has T.I.T.T.Y'S-

The entire point of it missing,
It will never be described with as much detail as is required
Thourogh examination of past arguments prove a disturbing pattern
Traces of bemusement or sarcasm are detected, there fore clearly described with far too little remorse OR
Your attempt was not approached with enough regard to the ramifications of your err.

The one thing you can be sure of however, is that once the responses from your spouse begin to break the one word clause, you are are fleeing the confined comforts of the silent treatment, and you are beginning the actual fight.

Ding Ding...

Still have no idea what exactly the fight is about? You are not alone. Truth be told, your spouse may not be able to pin point one exact discrepancy either, It is probably made up of dozens and dozens of seemingly minor offences.
If you can not narrow down your faults to one large inexcusable occurrence chances are that the causes are many, and aggravated by the following three;

P- Pushing your limits, Your constant misdemeanor's  have reached the point of intolerable, not even  for another second.
M- Mountains from molehills, Perhaps your spouse is unfortunate enough to be experiencing Bad Hair, Break outs or Bloating any minor offence will seem disproportionately large given the current physical situation....
S- Sleep Deprivation, often the result of children, or your insistence at poking your erection into the small of her back.

If you are still racking your testosterone fueled brain to find the direct cause of the altercation, try to fit them in to one of the following categories....

S.P.E.C.I.A.L  L.A.D.Y  P.A.R.T.S

S-exual discrimination, This will cover your spouses objection to unfair work load, work/life or work/children balance,
P-ee You are a boy and that means you get it everywhere, unnecessarily, this will also cover un mowed lawns or your need to surround yourself with unpleasant odours.
E-xtra curricular activities, Too much or too little time spent on extra curricular activities or Any time spent with Dave,
C-ent counting or stingy behaviours of any sort- Bodgey self and incompetent self repair jobs or matters of the ego.
I-solated incidents, any offensive or abrasive one off behaviour
A-mnesia this could be any forgotten milestone such as birthdays or anniversary's, or the fact that you said you would definitely do it by Tuesday and it is now Thursday three weeks later...
L-eering, Perving, or flirting... Think..... yes you do know who I am talking about, oh so now you know who I am talking about, and as long as you know who I am talking about... it is a clear admission of guilt.


Once you have found the probable cause for the frostiness you may now begin to take steps to rectify the situation....
Any, all or a combination of the following will most likely be accepted.

L-Oving embraces...this should be used either Last or First depending on the severity of the offence. The more severe the criminal behaviour, the later in the resolution process this should occur.
A-pologising, and appreciation, apologise profusely and with no regard to whom, in fact, has the wrong end of the stick or wheather or not you feel an apology is justified. Her feelings are important.
D-ate night. Special and romantic.
Y-earning. Make your spouse feel desired and sexy, despite the fact that she may now look like a red faced pimply sobbing mess, you find her incredibly desirable

P-resents. You may choose form either the thoughtful or ridiculously expensive show cases.
A-lcohol, to be consumed in the presence of her friends in the absence of children.
R-ule and boundary making, all of these, sacrifices on your part.
T-ea... or dinner... whatever, you are making it.
S-ensual massage, ALWAYS begin with the feet... Yes Her feet with NO expectation of sex...  I can not stress this enough....NO expectation.

Although this at times, may seem grossly unfair, and that you are at no time, ever allowed to make an error, yet once a month she has a VIP pass to be the biggest bitch she is capable of invoking.... Please take the time to remember that despite her untimely PMS's, it is her TITTYS and LADY PARTS that contribute to making your spouse the beautiful, complicated creature, you love so dearly, she is the center of your world and indeed worth the effort.

This concludes the first module of fighting 101. We will be taking a short break, please utilise this break time effectively, perhaps you would like to begin reading up on term two's subjects... Make up coitus explained, Your friends are dickheads and mine are saints.... and Common child rearing annoyances.. If you feel you may have something to contribute, you may do so HERE This will of course count as extra credit and would be greatly appreciated.
Class dismissed.

Emma xx

2 comments:

Daisy, Roo and Two said...

I read this aloud to Pal and he spent his time saying "hallelujah" at regular intervals. Until the end. Haha! He's off to buy some flowers now...

Miss Pink said...

Oh Emma! Your brain is GENIUS!