Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Post Fight Coitus Explained.....

I should start by saying that if you have committed a felony offence such as cheating on... feeling up the mother of... or wearing the undies of -your spouse, then you need to stop being a stingy bastard and pay for some professional advice... you have no business here.... Perhaps you are new to the School and are yet to make friends?.... you can catch up on THE WARNING SIGNS, THE SILENT TREATMENT and THE FIGHT ITSELF welcome.

Post Fight Coitus Explained

Post fight relations are strange and fickle territory, you have probably learned to NEVER initiate it.... and if so ....well done.
Just how long you must lie beside your spouse with the never ending tirade of "I wonder if she will root me yet" rattling through your brain can be confusing and imposing.

I am here to help.

You may think of your time spend in forced abstinence as your sentencing.
How quickly you may resume relations of the sexual kind will depend on the severity of the offence committed...

25 to life
This kind of sentence is usually handed down to severe cases of self esteem damage, dented ego and woman scorned....

You may have hurt your spouses feelings by
Making a joke about her appearance, Yes we are aware that Dave thought that it was particularly hilarious But Dave is a Dick... remember?
You may have made a joke directly about your spouse or her appearance.... the appearance of her close friend or relative.... OR perhaps it wasn't any one she cares for at all .....you may have simply hit a sore spot, by commenting on a random persons appearance.... If you say saddle bags (even if you are genuinely referring to the kind that conveniently hang either side of a saddle), ......If you utter those words and she is sensitive about her own Saddle bags.... It is a direct insult.
Whilst you may be under the impression that you are enjoying a mild day at the races.. you may soon be making the trip home, in the icy car of silence.

-Perhaps you have been caught out being a dirty, dirty pervert.
Your spouse does not expect you not to glance at the local wares, ever or at all... Just never in her presence...EVER.
Lets just assume that you forgot your spouse was there.... perhaps you have stopped at the lights and you have been staring at the back of a fit blonde head for twelve minutes and your penis just had to have a quick look at the front.....perhaps you are out at the pub or the local shopping complex... Lets say you may have had a harmless little flirt....

-You may indeed be unfortunate enough to have been unjustly accused and found guilty of the flirting and perving offence with something as simple as being invited to a work function... no partners due to this years budget restraints..... and you have a new secretary at the office named Debbie... you have been singing Debbie's praises to your spouse... little bits and pieces about the ease of the new filing system or... perhaps Debbie makes a slamming coffee. I am going to let you in something........Debbie could look like the love child of Susan Boyle and Quasimodo, ... your wife will think she looks like Heidi Klum unless she has the opportunity to clap eyes on Debbie for herself.

NOTE
NEVER down play just how gorgeous Anne from accounts really is...  Never... ever, ever, ever.... ever.
Your spouse has a designated place in her brain to store these kinds of events. She may draw on them during seething time.

-Perhaps you lied about something mundane.... your spouse will not appreciate the fact that that particular untruth would have been one you would have uttered to your mother so often that the lie just flicks off the tip of your tongue it is now that deeply ingrained, Lies are lies to your spouse...

If you happen to have committed any of the above offences... Then you Mr Pervy Mc Mummyissues, can expect the longest stint in the abstinence slammer, and need to remember this little Rhyme.... Lets say it together....
That woman is not my wife- 25 to life.




10 - 15
You Forgot.... Remember?

This kind of sentence can be expected if;
Lets pretend your spouse has an impending special milestone, and let's pretend your spouse does not remind you........
Firstly- Chances are that your spouse's special woman phsycic ability has already informed her that you are indeed, useless without her....and that you would forget.
If there has been no obvious hinting in the form of catalogue thrusting in your general direction or frequent and firm reminders of the event,  then sadly... you are already in the shit... This can mean a longer sentence. Your spouse may in fact want you to forget her special milestone because she is tired and time poor... it is far easier to be angry about a forgotten birthday than it is to remember the eighty seven other things you have done to make her stabby.
To you this special milestone is pointless.... who cares about the anniversary of your first kiss or the first time she made your favorite meal......... I remind you.
Your spouse does not write such special occasions down in the birthday book because she has precious little else to do and clearly not enough friends .... she writes them down because they are cherished moments for her.
Have a bit of respect... yeah?

Let's Rhyme to because it is patronising and will help you to remember...
That date has been.... ten to fifteen...

7-10
Clearly Dave's fault...

This sentence will be handed down for any offence committed whilst in the presence or under the influence of Dave.
This may include...
Over indulging in the alcohol with Dave.... Going anywhere with Dave, mentioning any of Dave's opinions about anything...... or opening your big fat mouth and giving Dave way too much personal information about your personal life... namely your bedroom antics. or any implied bedroom antics.
Although you may be immensely proud that your spouse can fit an entire paddle pop in her mouth...(As well you should good man... well done ).... that kind of thing is probably best kept to yourself. Your wife does not want Dave to know about that... think about that or announce it to anyone he encounters who happens to be chomping down a paddle pop...

If your offence falls outside of these guidelines then your sentence could be anywhere from 1-5 or something as simple as a monetary inconvenience... a fine if you will.
This fine might come in the way of an outrages purchase or romantic evening..... however chances are that the two of you will be extreme lying down together before too long at all.....

One more time together....

Emma's Brain's advice I heed... then a wank I will not need...

Since you brought Dave into it... next lesson we will be discussing why it is that your friends are complete cock heads and your spouses friends are clearly saints..... If you have anything in particular to add to it... please do so on Emma's Brain Face book page... while your at it... click like. It will count toward your final grade.....

Emma xx


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