Tuesday, May 31, 2011

This does not suck.....

Dear Red piece of shit in the bottom of my linen press,

There are plenty of things that suck in my house.... plenty, I wont go into it because this letter would be too long and I get sick of hearing myself whinge, However there is one thing in this house that should suck, and doesn't ....( Other than the obviously crude double entendre... but I have been married for ten years so ... meh is my excuse) But you...  Words fail  to describe my frustration and loathing of your presence.

Your filters are clean, Your barrel is empty, you have no blockages, I have had you for less than twelve months... as far as I am concerned your failure to do an adequate job is unacceptable.
The extended warranty I purchased as a condition of your employment is utterly useless, as I do not wish to have you repaired or replaced with another of your kind.

Do the words "Done your Dash" mean anything to you Mr Godfrey?
I would like to bring to your attention the issues we had yesterday.
Namely The pencil shavings..... Remember?

 When I took you on I was under the impression that you could do an adequate job, your failure to inhale these pencil shavings meant that I had to get the broom, then the dustpan and the brush.... Your arrival should have made the use of these implements almost redundant, Sadly this has not been the case.

I know the issue of weight should not factor into your ability to do a good job, but quite frankly... you are too heavy... your cords failure to retract has also been an issue on far too many occasions and then there are the toe stubbings... The many, many toe stubbings.
I do not want to drag this out longer than necessary, nor do I want, need or require your services any longer...

I have taken the liberty of looking into a few other places in which you would be suitably qualified and welcomed..... I came across what I would deem to be a suitable environment for you, I don't know much about the organisation, however the pictures look nice....

You may pack your things and vacate the premises by the close of business today.
I wish you a polite yet indifferent "all the best" in your future endeavours.


A huge thanks to Troy from Going off (In a new direction) for his fabulous guest post yesterday, If you missed it, you can read it here.


Miss Pink said...

Our old vacuum was the same. One that Mr Black chose of course because he "had" to have it, even though he never used it. Stupid thing, i bet the crap out of it one day, broke the stick part that you use to actually attempt to suck up the mess right before Christmas and was reduced to using the hand held piece to try and clean our floors heavily pregnant with a toddler about (so cleaning they needed!) It wasn't very fun. It was a bag-less one too! But after talking with other's i came to the conclusion that bag-less vacuums just do not suck. So next time around we got a washable bag and this one works pretty well i must say!

whatsinemmasbrain said...

Thank you , I think I will go a washable bag too, I cant stand the paper ones... way too much hassle for me :)

Torkona said...

vacuum broken? hmmm.. that "sucks".

my bad..

jsut go out and buy some toobs instead of doing housework :)

- tork

whatsinemmasbrain said...

He he, It is possible that it sucks and blows at the same time... I am off to eat toobs

Kellie said...

Could you possibly write a letter of termination to my steam mop?
You seem to have a knack for doing it tastefully, and I just dont want to hurt its feelings.

whatsinemmasbrain said...

I certainly can..

Dear Kellie's Steam mop,

You are just not as hot as you once were, whilst I was once excited by your steamy floor cleaning sessions, I am a little disgusted that they have transformed somehow to dribbling, stinky mess..... I wont bang on about it... but this is no longer working for me, you are dropped.

Emma xx

Rah said...

I'm just impressed that there isn't more swearing!

whatsinemmasbrain said...

wow, you are right! How restrained of me! I will be a lady yet....