Thursday, June 16, 2011

1-oh-1 The Parenting debate

Welcome and pipe down.



Today we will be studying

The "See!.... It's not you, it's me!... (But really you) Theory.

Parenting is difficult, and can place a strain on even the strongest of relationships...
Let us not forget that you are a loving and able parent, with valid opinions. You are capable in all aspects of parenting. We must also keep in mind that you want for the same goals as your spouse and although you may navigate it a little differently, your envisioned outcome for a happy healthy child is shared.
The point of this class however, is to avoid fueling Seething time... Remember?

The next time your spouse is having a breakdown of crazy woman smeared with the smug self satisfaction of superior parenting, you can call on the following knowledge.

Although your man ears may be hearing the words like "Dangerous... What the fuck were you thinking?... I am not cleaning that up and my personal favorite..Did you dress her in that and then leave the house?"
You may keep in mind that when these words caress the many, many hairs in your man ears and convert them into something infuriatingly literal...like .. Incompetent, Then the following translations may make it a little easier for you to remember that your spouse is seldom wrong, You just rarely understand her properly.

I am here to help.

What your spouse is generally trying to say can be found in the following translations:

Too Old for WWE

When your spouse uses words like, Stop it and put him down before he cracks his head open...
Don't be so bloody ridiculous and put him down... and the pearler of pearlers... Oh grow up FFS.
Before these words were converted by the hairs in your man ears... they sounded a little like this.

"Will you please put the child safely back on the floor, I am envisioning images of pain, tears and bleeding. Although I appreciate that the two of you are enjoying a wonderful bonding moment, what you are doing is making me anxious, goes against every grain of my mothering instinct, and is potentially dangerous.
This is not any reflection on your strength, co ordination or manhood."

OR

"I envy your ability to stay so relaxed in such a clearly perilous situation, I do not have this ability, and although you appear to be skilled in the fine art of letting go and allowing yourself to become distracted and engrossed in your current activity, I am not so fortunate.
I am completely aware that you are confidant in being able to swoop in and save the day, a bee's dick before disaster occurs,your current stance on the situation is causing me discomfort. Much of this discomfort could be avoided if you could kindly sort this shit out in a more timely manner."

"See!... Its not you, it is me!... (But really you).



See No Evil... Hear no evil.....

Your hair filled man ears are, unfortunately for your spouse..... far more evolved in parenting ability.
Whilst your ears are busy converting parenting noise into wonderfully relaxing music, your spouse is still hearing the sounds of Whinging, Fighting, Crying, Bed jumping, general destruction and numerous requests for food and drink....This is a tricky one to negotiate, Your man ears are hearing a barrage of swears mixed with the occasional battering of, DO I HAVE DO DO EVERYTHING??? DO I?
 as a general rule your spouse is really trying to articulate the following;

"If you are closer in vicinity, regardless of whether I am otherwise engaged, your prompt assistance would be greatly appreciated"

"See!... Its not you, it is me!... (But really you).


Winding Down......

Games of chasing, monsters and tickle torture provide you with hours of unlimited fun with your child, you and your spouse may differ in opinion at the most appropriate time to engage in this type of play.
Whilst your spouse may often appear to be a slightly sexy version of the fun police, It really is not a great idea to engage in this type of activity, anywhere in the general vicinity of bed time.
It will serve you well to just give her this one....  If you would like to delight in the spoils of your spouses wonderful body, you must remind yourself..... Do you want to throw a leg over the minute you walk in the door after a hard day in the office?
Think of your child's bed time as knock off for your spouse, the more hyperactive activity you engage the child in, the more overtime your spouse will have to do.
The more overtime, less time and energy.
It is not rocket surgery.

"See!... Its not you, it is me!... (But really you).



Last and least.
(and only exception to the
"See!... Its not you, it is me!... (But really you).)


If your spouse begins to complain about what it is that you have dressed your child in, providing it is fitting to the elements, Is none of her business.....Even if you left the house.
It will not matter much that you just grabbed the first pair of clean orange tracksuit pants that were in fact, part of a fancy dress costume and teamed it with a glorious purple and green tee.
The woman clearly has control issues... I cannot help you.

You could, to be polite however, declare to everyone you meet that you dressed the child and that your spouse had no part in it... Most people will find it endearing...... you know... Just to be polite.


Class dismissed.


Emmaxx



With thanks to Jane and Gemma xx

5 comments:

Miss Pink said...

Hahahaha!
I actually started a series of posts similar to this a couple of nights ago. Or at least parts of this reminded me of my post.
The last part? I am a control freak. Mr Black always seems to reach for the kids best clothes when he's taking them somewhere to get dirty, and then when we go out somewhere nice they're dressed in their play clothes. WTF? It's not hard, nice clothes get hung up, play clothes in drawers. I prefer to just lay the clothes out for him.

Donna said...

Oh this is a master class alright! May you have many a man enrolled to hear these words of wisdom!!!

Photographer Mum said...

I can totally relate to "to Old for WWE". My husband flips the kids midair and it ALWAYS has me on edge. I think I might have to enrol him in your class

Great post :)

Gemma @ My Big Nutshell said...

Emma! You are just so clever! I am making my husband read this, sadly he often thinks he hears 'FAIL', but it is exactly as you have described!

Erin @ Eat Play Bond said...

Wonderfully put Emma, now if only I can work out how to convert this into a Playstation game or perhaps subliminal messages during the football, hubby doesn't care for reading :)