Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Pack- advice 101

If you are wondering what the hell you missed,  you may take the make up classes HERE< HERE< HERE or HERE at your earliest convenience.

Why Are your mates Idiots, when your spouses friends are clearly saints?
I will do my best to explain this theory.....

Your spouses close circle of friends, as a whole, can be ominous, yet intriguing.
Whether the group of your spouse, is large or small, one thing is for certain.
Once your spouse leaves the serene sanctuary of your coupledom and joins her circle of pal's... Your spouse will no longer be 'your spouse as you know her'... your spouse becomes a member of her pack.

Your spouse 'the pack member" can differ greatly to your spouse in coupledom.
Once in the company of her pack, your spouse may seem fierce and powerful... perhaps even more attractive.........  This is not an illusion nor a result of seeing your spouse in something other than a dressing gown........
The power of the pack is very real.....Company's such as Tupperware "reckanise" and appreciate this power....they  harness this pack mentality and subsequent frenzy.... and use it to offload their wares.

Packs will unite for a variety of reasons... while you and your friends will get together periodically to celebrate sporting achievements and the occasional bucks night... or perhaps golf, Your spouse had a plethora of reasons to merge into her pack, however as a general rule these gatherings will fall into two categories......

Uniting in celebrated support of the cock...

These types of gatherings are those most rewarding for you....

The pack will gather for engagement announcement dinners, kitchen tea's, bridal showers, hens nights, new boyfriend debriefing sessions, and other gatherings with the main objective being to gloat and celebrate.
 although these pack gatherings may seem like an open forum of judgement, the main objective to these events is to welcome a man into the extended pack... all be it without his knowledge or consent.

Surrounding men, already skilled in the pack celebrations..IE wait staff, bartenders etc.. They will recognise that the pack is in support of the man and will often seek out the company of these women, mid celebration... they will use the occasion to feed their ego and become swept up in the comfortable and warming demeanour of the pack.
Although the attempt of these intruding men may seem threatening to you and your tribe, they are harmless and very useful to you.
Chances are that your spouse will return to you in a heightened and unusual state of Randy..... high on loved up conversations and wine... ready to reward you and your kind for the wonderful creatures you are....

On the flip side however..... The gathering may fall into the latter category

Off with your collective heads....

If the gathering of the pack falls into this category, then you should take heed.
These gatherings are solely for Break ups, information digging, confirmed cheating, date stand ups inconsiderate behaviour, scorned feelings, unrequited love and and unreturned phone calls....

These types of gatherings are usually reserved and for the sole purpose of rallying around a pack member who may have been wounded by another of your species.
Individual merits have no place in this type of gathering... You will be viewed collectively as men and as men, you become the enemy common.
You will be discussed... your flaws and inconsiderate behaviour paraded among the group to collective mumble of tuttering and tssking.
A skilled man IE waitstaff and bar tenders etc.....will have a keen sense in detecting this type of gathering, they will take note of the teary puffy eyes and looks of disdain in their general direction... They will stay well clear of a gathering of this nature.
Upon your spouses return you must take extreme caution... ALL of your flaws, although not necessarily "shared among the group" have been rattling around her manipulative head for the last few hours.
It will serve you well to make her return as comfortable and romantic as possible.
You can easily change your spouses mind set from "Every member of the Penis gang are wang fucks" To feelings of extreme gratitude or... " I am so glad that my member of the penis gang is a wonderful man"

When it comes to your friends, your spouse will probably view them fondly (with the exception of Dave)
If she has an opinion, however unsavory, she may pay you the kind, to keep it to herself..(with the exception of Dave)... If you closely view the individuals in your spouses pack, you may seem that they do not differ that greatly from your own........
(except for that dick friend of yours that cracked one on your spouse in the back of the cab.... and then cried.... This is of course purely hypothetical with no reference to any actual persons or {mate of yours...})
If you should happen to share any extreme dog like behaviour of your peers, that information is stored... Used occasionally for seething time, but more commonly shared amongst your spouses pack.
This information then falls into the public service category, this information MUST be shared ( usually at the next Off with their collective heads gathering), It is for the greater good of the pack.

As ridiculously unfair as it may seem,
It will serve you well to keep all unsavory comments about your spouses pack to yourself... your spouse is well aware that Fi fi is a dirty , dirty whore and has probably eaten more cock than col sanders... and Geraldine's voice is uncannily grating, as is almost everything about her....... but your spouse will not appreciate these facts being confirmed by you.... as a general rule of the pack... these pitfalls can only be uttered from the mouth of your spouse herself.

Class dismissed.

Next lesson we will cover Common parenting annoyances, If you have anything you would like to contribute, please do so in the comments section of this post, Face book if you would prefer, or if you are the shy type, you may send me an email, I will ensure your identity remains shrouded in secrecy.... 



Miss Pink said...

Fuck i love these posts!
Lets get together for an Off with your collective heads gathering, just because. Lol.

whatsinemmasbrain said...

Fo Shiz.. I am always up for that, you coming to the Karaoke meet? x

Kellie said...

I've decided I want to print these out and store them in a folder, so that my partner can read them when he gets a bit confused. Just so he knows what he's dealing with, and the best way to survive the situation.

Miss Pink said...

Probably not :( I should, I want to, but I honestly am just far too scared. Lol. Wuss right here!