Friday, July 22, 2011

I resorted to toilet humour... again

I received an email last week, from Cath, who was painted all shades of irate with the following problem...

Hi Em,

I'm quickly writing this at work but will try and make my point.

Public Bathroom Etiquette.
I don't remember ever being told and thought it was either basic (unwritten) knowledge and/or natural instinct but when you use a public toilet (i.e. My work toilet) where there are at least 10 toilets in a row (I will count them in my lunch break in the name of research) and you walk into said toilet and the cubicle closest to the door is walk to the toilet furthest away (assuming it is clean) to avoid sharing each others harmonious tones of their bodily fluids leaving their bodies (don't get me started on number twos!!).

In the past few weeks much to my horror, I have been in the toilet all by myself (no cubicles occupied) and someone else has come in also while I'm mid pee and used the cubicle right next to me???!!!!
Invasion of privacy much???

WTF indeed Cath... I am here to help.

Clearly you work with space invaders... Not the greatest retro entertainment of all time kind....

The not so pleasant, seriously dude... back away kind.

Sadly there are many personal space invaders in today's society. You can find them everywhere.
There are some places that these personal space invaders are less welcome than others.
Planes, Public transport, Doctors waiting rooms, queue's for anything.....  and public or communal toilets hit highest on the annoyance scale.

I have come up with a few suggestions to regain your personal space whilst using the communal shitters.

1. Location Location Location

Reserve your toilet, Then on the cubicle either side of your toilet of choice, place one of these.

2. Draw attention to the uncomfortable closeness.

We must try to keep in mind that your personal space invader may not in fact realise that they are imposing on your very private moment.
To them this moment is not private at all... it is a very necessary human function. They see no problem with occupying the stall right next door... even with a potential camera capturing every motion passed.
It is now that we must draw attention to their inconsiderate invasion.
Try engaging your personal space invader in water cooler office banter... I suggest waiting until Betty Boundary issues enters the cubical closest to you then, you must engage her with something entirely inappropriate....... ask something like.......

"Wow... curry for dinner last night?... Smells divine, Where was my invite...?  Just kidding, I had a date last night anyway..... Seriously though......... I have major curry craving right now....."

You can accompany this with a few wayward  leg stretches... so that your foot will poke out underneath the stall divider...just so that Betty Boundary issues is aware that you are in such close proximity.

3. When all else fails... Crack out Celine.

 Should all else fail, you need to head to iTunes... download the naffest Celine album you can find... and blast it... on a continual loop... No one... not even personal space invaders can tolerate my heart will go on for any great length of time, it will ensure that your intimate moment together is as brief as possible....... Either that or find a new job.......

Speaking of which... get off Face book... you are paid to work not to peruse social networks... unless it is this blog of course, and then it is totally fine..... be sure to tell your friends, pass this post around your office... Perhaps Betty will read it!

Glad to be of Service

Emma xx

Do you have some helpful advice for Cath?


Kellie said...

One of my pet peeves. Great advice as always Emma, have you considered writing an agony column?

The Mummy Hat said...

Ah, this is one of the reasons that I go to the cubicle right down the other end. People are generally lazy and can't be bothered to walk further than they have to to pee.
Popping in from FYBF

Me 'N My Monkeys said...

Excellent post!
Also a pet peeve of mine. If i have to use a cubical i like to use one of the end ones so if someone must enter my bubble its only going to be on one side.
Yes i have my own personal bubble! ;)
(When i want a time out from my kids i tell them i'm in my bubble which means get out of my space i cant hear you.)

Miss Pink said...

The water cooler banter? Love it!

cjtato said...

Pure Gold! I'm coming to you for advice from this day forward! Bwahahahahaha

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

My mother once farted whilst using the bathroom at her work. The woman a few stalls down called out "OMG did you just fart?". If you can't fart in a toilet, where can you?????
We have cone of silence rules - if the door is closed you must pretend you cannot hear anything.