Monday, August 8, 2011

Dear Featured Home Owner In Glossy Magazine.

Dear Featured home owner,

I am writing today, because I have spent countless hours pouring over the pages of various home design magazines in a bid to make my house look a little less like a large Shanty town Caravan, and I have a few questions.

Firstly, Why can I never see your face properly? I mean, If my home was grand enough to feature in a glossy magazine, I would try to get my proud head in every frame.
Mostly I must admit, just to suck it to the mum's I don't like at the bus stop, but really, I want to see what you look like, also, when the magazine informed you that they were going to do the shoot, did they get you to pick from a list of poses?
From what I can see there are three standard poses for appearing in a home design magazine,

There is the smiling contently cradling a mug of coffee in the kitchen,
There is the blurry shot of you disappearing down the hallway........
and then there is my least favorite, the smiling strategically posed shot of you and your children partaking in some sort of rough housing on the sofa.

The latter is my least favorite, because if my house looked like yours for even a second, there would be no rough housing anywhere, If they took that pic of me after I spent countless hours arranging everything for a magazine to visit,  I would be the woman in the shot screeching
" For crying out LOUD!!!!!!!  I will NOT tell you again to stop that carry on up the lounge, some one will break their neck or knock over my Matt Blatt vase, You don't want to be around if that happens........."
It's just smug and I don't like it.

Did you clean like a hurricane in preparation for the magazine? or does your house look like that all the time?
The reason I am asking is because I have actually hidden from people who have ungraciously just "Dropped In" because I was too embarrassed to open the door, I have also wept openly into my laundry basket on occasion.
I made a manual once, You should read it.

Do your children only own three toys? Did you have to shove them all under the house before the magazine photographers arrived? I would have definitely shoved them under the house.
Recently, I have started dismantling my kitchen, removing as many cupboards as I can get away with  and candy striping the walls with sample pots of paint that all look the same colour to me.
Your Kitchen looks to organised, it kind of makes me want to knock up a banquet of Chili Tomato, blue eye cod with shittake mushroom salad, and when I enter my own Kitchen, I begin again with the weeping.
Not for long though, Because I was lucky enough to have some one else pay for my Kitchen renovation, But I still want to take a peek inside your pantry... Do you want to see mine?

This is my pantry, over stuffed because I now have three less kitchen cupboards... I chose the smiling smugly into a coffee mug pose...... Do you see how annoying that is?

I also want to know how it was that you came about choosing the appliances you chose,...... you never tell me that, I like to guess and make up scenarios as to how you came about choosing that oven... The out come always depends of course on what pose you chose to do ( If it is sitting on the couch, you stole them from an orphanage)

I chose The Everdure 60cm, 9 function built in electric oven for several reasons, Firstly because I do not live in an area that has embraced the ease and sustainability of natural gas, I would have to get bottled gas and the last thing I need is more people dropping in, even the gas man. It is cool to touch, handy for Ms two, and It also has these cool little buttons that retract into the appliance so you don't get drips on them like these.........

I chose the Everdure 60cm Vitroceramic electric cook top because it looks a little like a spaceship, and is the easiest to clean, It also came very highly recommended by Everdure, and since I know jack about cook tops, and these guys are the experts, that was all the information I needed.

There you go... you are very welcome.

Before I go I just have one more thing that is just going to Irk me if I don't mention it.....

 I really like your little designer pug dog... he looks so cute and happy on the grass, It makes me a little bit stabby however, when I read in the photo credits that the dog was "borrowed from a friend" or "Visiting from a neighbour...." It makes me more angry of late because, since I have started removing my Kitchen Cabinetry, My cats have decided to voice their disgust in the form of Peeing in the corner of the dining room.... The only part of our house that is carpeted....  Have you ever smelt cat pee?
I know the electrician that came around to do our quote could... He was flaring his nostrils a lot.

Luckily for us we are pulling up the carpet to re do the floor in preparation for the kitchen, but in the mean time, I would like to comfort myself with the fact that some times you wake up in your perfect house and your little designer pug has pooed on your Lounge room rug.

So if you don't actually own the pet you cannot feature it... It is just not fair.
Just saying.

Any way.....Have a good one...

Emma xx
(swear free for 32 days
If you don't count Shittake Mushrooms)

PS Thanks for the well wishes, I was indeed quite sick, however I promised myself I would not be a drama queen about it, so I am home and I am well and I was very glad to be missed, Thank you xx
Also! I have an exciting offer for you soon, just in case you were looking to upgrade your kitchen appliances... look alert,


Miss Pink said...

You want to slip my number to the guys sponsoring your kitchen make over. Thanks muchly.

And I hate designer catalogues because everything is always so clean, and expensive. Who the heck can live like that? I think i'd have a nervous breakdown that my kids might touch or sit on anything.
You forgot the pose where they look wistfully out the door/window. ;)

Life In A Pink Fibro said...

Love it! There's an awful lot of work behind the scenes to make those houses look like that. I had a friend who was a stylist - she'd turn up to photograph houses and the owners would direct her to where the washing up awaited her attentions. Glamorous life...

MummyK said...

Oh god, my place will never look like one in a glossy mag. And what's with the white couches? How can they have kids and have white couches???