Monday, October 31, 2011

Breaking up is hard to do.


After a couple of concerned emails, I thought I should add that I wrote this post quite a while ago, No underhanded bitching, Just some thoughts I had at the time, You and I get along just fine! ;)

Lately, I have found myself with less and less spare time.

The amount I have to do actually exceeds the amount of hours allocated in one day.
Something has to give, for me it is usually sleep. More recently, it has become friendships.

I recently had the unfortunate experience of dealing with the friend fall out of being too busy.

I found out in the usual way a woman finds out that she is in the bad books of a friend, through another friend who felt the need to inform me that a close friend had been complaining about my lack of commitment to our friendship, and further more, in this friends opinion, I am too busy, because I am experiencing some undeserved success, also that if this friend was doing what I was doing then they would do it a whole heap better.

I thought about this, and In my head, I run the argument that I am a wife, a mother of three, I have a house to run, and a job, I have an unbelievable hobby that is beginning to become profitable, I am a daughter, Sister,aunt, cousin, a best friend, and more often than I would like, a mammoth bitch.
Sometimes.. Other things come last.

After a bit more thought, I was confused as to just who it was that I was trying to convince.

Truth is, just to be blunt,

I cancel plans, make more plans then break them again,
I miss birthdays, milestones, Girls nights,

I don't return phone calls and emails promptly, Sometimes not at all,

I miss important holidays with family who I love and at best, I am lucky to see once a year on boxing day.

I don't do play dates, I don't babysit,

I don't like status updates on Facebook, I don't attend webinars that I would love to sit in on because I forget,

I don't reply to many of my comments because I am a try hard, and feel like I need to think of something funny and witty when I know a general "hey thanks for stopping by" would suffice.

I don't text back ridiculous chain texts about proving friendships by asking to text this message back if you are a great fucking friend, because they are for morons.

I don't attend Mary Kaye, Tuppaware, candle, sex toy, lingerie, nutrimetics or Bali parties.

I drop and run at the school gate and at birthday parties, I don't do small talk at Coles, and I Don't. Do. Canteen.

I am sorry.

Sometimes I am a jerk, sometimes I have to be a jerk, so as I am not a bad mother or wife or so that I meet contract or deadlines...
Sometimes my priorities mean that I'm a jerk and I am a bigger Jerk for spelling out that mostly, friends aren't a priority.
Sometimes I feel like a jerk for even writing that last sentence.

Most of the comments passed on by this friend were probably deserving, this is true.

I thought about the friendships that I have, and came to the conclusion that sometimes, I have friends who are my friends for no other reason than we were friends once upon a time, before we grew up, and got lives, houses, married and pregnant.

The demise doesn't heppen overnight, but it does heppen.

I look around at what it is I have, and what it is I have done and I'm happy, I would do it again. Most of it.

I'm grateful for my family and handful of besties, and my beautiful blogging peeps, (you know who you are) who I am lucky, understand the demands on my time. Those who are supportive of the direction that I am going and the fun I am having and the fact that for the first time, I am OK with being selfish.

In affect are we both selfish?

I won't ever apologize for any success I may have, I have come a long way and I deserve it.
I also know enough however to know that these words were reactive and came from hurt, and were trusted to someone who clearly is not a great friend either.

I do then what I always do, and I reassess, something does have to give.

It leaves me in the difficult position of "breaking up" with friends.

Just how do you go about this? A phone call? A text? An email?

Breaking up with friends is not as simple as a " Hey dude, just not working for me, We are heading in different directions, I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I've met someone else..."

It's a painful, long and angst filled ride of unanswered texts and not RSVP ing, of screening calls and general disregard.

It feels wrong.

Yes I could pick up the phone and explain in a long winded way my reasons for discontinuing our relationship but for what?

Will anything they have to say change my mind? Will I make them feel shittier, hurt delicate feelings? Is there a need?

Perhaps it is that I don't want to hear the part I played in the demise of the relationship?

When I think about it, I will be technically ending a long term relationship, there is no etiquette for the situation.

It just sits wrong that I will quietly let it go till unanswered contacts, missed milestones and enough time passes that the end of the friendship becomes official.

Ever had to break up with a friend?

Emma xx


Kellie said...

I had a friend "break up" with me over Facebook. On my birthday.
I won't lie, it hurt and I wanted to cut a bitch. But whatever. I'm too awesome for her, clearly.

Photographer Mum said...

Sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Breaking up with anyone is hard, but I think it's definitely much harder when it is a friend. I have been in a similar situation with a close friend of mine when I was getting married. Things were said and actions taken. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid and stupid issues came up over money. She missed my wedding entirely. It was a really painful thing to go through and it sucked big time.
We have since made up but I haven't seen her in close to 12 months. We used to live in each others pockets at school. I think it was a really difficult lesson for me to learn - that relationships change and evolve over time and will not always stay the same.
Hope you can sort things out. Or at least agree to part amicably (if possible). It's a tough position to be in.

marketingtomilk said...

the best friendships are also the easiest.
Where you just have to be yourself, and don't have to make excuses for anything.


Miss Pink said...

I have had to break up with friends before.
I generally do the FB delete and hope they get the idea. More rarely, but I have done before is put up a FB status about life being really busy, and that I am just keeping to my family life right now. Mostly that has people understanding and backing off.
I don't think there really is a way besides the ignoring of texts/emails/phone calls. You could be all "Well you said to someone blah blah blah and I don't appreciate you talking shit about me when you could have come and told me to my face" and that would probably have them backing off quickly.

As for the rest, when I am overwhelmed I try to at least respond to or send out a handful of texts. It's a quick way to reach out and connect with people and let them know that you aren't giving them the silent treatment. I send 98% of these on the loo, waiting with the school pick up, or some other boring time waster thing. If I remember.
You have reminded me to send a couple of texts out though. I'll do that later. Or maybe not.

Toushka Lee said...

yes I have. one time it was official. An email asking her why she was a complete psycho (said more diplomatically of course) and offering my moral support if she chose to seek help and if not, then bye.
the others have been exactly the long drawn out process you have described. it's icky.
And the awkwardness when you bump into that person somewhere... ugh

Good Golly Miss Holly! said...

I had a girlfriend break up with me on FB too, for the exact reasons why you're 'friend' had beef with you. Apparently we had "different views" when it came to friendship.

It stung me at first because she's a mother too and fuck me, she knew just how busy life was. Now? Well, I'm of the opinion that she's just a needy person who needs constant reassurance. That's cool but clearly, I don't have time for that shit.

I do however, have all the time in the world for you x

Kelly said...

I too have found that my friendships have suffered a little because of my life. But then, I'm not the sort of person that needs heaps of friends. I haven't had a fall out but some of my friendships have just drifted... You know? I love those friendships were you can just pick up where you left off whether that be a day or a year ago!

River said...

You are who you are. Those who understand and let you be yourself while still liking you, those are the best friends.
Some friends grow up and grow apart, some friends grow up and grow closer.
Life and people are constantly changing, nothing stays the same.

Anonymous said...

Here is a little quote that was posted by one of my very good friends on facebook, our friendship has survived since school, her living overseas for ages and general distance and busyness issues, a true friend understands, and like I told you when you were little sometimes some friends are not worth the effort

"It's been said that friends can go long periods of time without seeing each other and never question the friendship. These types of friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live, and they don't hold grudges. They understand that life is busy..but you will ALWAYS love them."

luv Your mum xxxx

Katie said...

I recently went through a mothers group break up. Thanks to the wonderful world of facebook I discovered that we were the only family not invited to the round of birthdays. And jeez it hurt, and still does! They were my support network (and my little girls friends) here as all my family a several hours drive away. I don't ven know what I did or didn't do.
Anyhoo, making new friends now and loving the ones who understand me.

It's just so hard with friends, there's no clean line in the sand.