Tuesday, December 13, 2011


I have lost count of the amount of times I have asked someone if they were on twitter.... And they say, No... I was, I couldn't figure it out, I can't even remember my password.

What is wrong with these individuals? To they even realize how much easier my life would be if everyone was on twitter?... not you #Cabbage, but everyone?

In the interest of unjustified self importance, (some call it delusions of grandeur... But no one asked them) I have Penned a quick guide to using twitter.... By someone who uses it badly....Do as I say not as I do.

I have tried my very best to answer the questions I am most frequently asked regarding twitter, and I warn you... this piece is purely opinion, my own. I am not a Social Media expert, The uniform makes my arse look fat..... However Klout did list me as a specialist in my chosen field, and if Klout is to be believed, my areas of expertise are, The Chicago Bulls, Eddie Murphy, Gold and Melbourne.
And So Klout can list me as being influential in the field of leading you up the garden path...
Let us begin.

Who are you? What are you doing in my bathroom? What is twitter? What the hell is #FF?and Isn't it just like Facebook?

Short answer, No. Twitter is nothing like face book, what is wrong with you?

Slightly longer winded explanation... Twitter is a little like Facebook, and I will try my best to explain twitter for those familiar with Facebook.

Twitter is a little like Facebook in that it is a series of status updates, it differs from Facebook in that your status update must be 140 characters or less.

This is fantastic for those on facebook who grow weary of long winded passive aggressive, nobody in their right mind gives a flying F......read more status updates.

No thanks.

If this were Twitter the status update would have been cut short somewhere around "nobody in their right mind "..and that would be the end of it.

unlike Facebook you get a try before you friend policy.
You get to check out the stuff people are tweeting before you decide to add them to your feed...

handy I know, because we have all accepted that friend request... the one that you were umming and ahhing about, and you accept, because you don't want to appear rude, but pretty soon that "friend" is commenting embarrassing stuff on every update you write,......
......with no prior knowledge of the update and posting things with bad grammar and unnecessarily abbreviating things that have no business being abbreviated....FFFFaaaaaaaark Orrrffff!!!!.................and pretty soon you find yourself wishing that person a minor case of small pox, and you give yourself anal fissures trying to navigate Facebook's latest setting change to figure out how to hide that person from your direct line of sight....

Like I said Handy.

Also, twitter does not confuse the situation by using words like "friend" and "unfriend" instead opting for "follow" and "unfollow" thus eliminating the subconscious guilt when the small pox fails to arrive.

It is a little bit like Facebook in the sense that that friend or as they are now called... Follower, can still become aware that you have un followed them, but to do so, they must use an outside site, such as http://www.whounfollowed.me/ and it might take them a little while to find out as they can still read your updates and by this time, the guilt has passed, or small pox was ingested, either way... Win win.

Blocking and reporting services are also available on twitter.

What the hell is a hash tag?

hash tags# are a great tool on twitter, they allow a user to either put their tweet collectively with other tweets of the same nature.. Think

The hash tag #apprentice can then be followed in a separate stream, and you may read everything everyone else on twitter is saying about that particular topic. (a fantastic tool for finding like minded people)

Or can be used to collectively follow an event you may have been unable to attend, if done well, it can almost feel as though you are at the event.

Or hash tags can be used to emphasize a point, exercise humor, or in place of emoticons.

The most common twitter hash tag would have to be #FF, this stands for follow Friday, and is a time designated to being able to inform your followers of others you think are worthy of following, only to be used on a Friday.

RT stands for retweet, and appears at the beginning of a update that has been surprisingly enough, retweeted.

I still don't understand it, why is it still boring?

I think the most common mistake people make when starting out on twitter is trying to keep it simple by Just following a couple of people.

This is where Facebook and twitter differ the most.

Facebook requires maintenance, liking comments posted on your wall, generally giving a shit about the mundane daily goings on of your "friends" even if they posted 8 hours ago.

Twitter is more like a continual conversation, to be jumped in and out of as you feel fit, or as time allows. the more people you follow, the more interesting the conversation.
There is also no etiquette to jumping in on a conversation on twitter, it is welcomed.

Check out other people's tweets, find the ones that appeal to you most and follow them, you don't need to know someone to follow them on twitter.

tech savvy brands are also available in abundance on twitter and it makes for instant gratification when you are perhaps.. Waiting too long in the line @ikea, for example.
Sometimes all it takes is is a quick tweet, not unlike the one I sent, during my last visit.

Sometimes it will make no difference at all, my exercise was in fact futile, as the account @ikea is not active on twitter,(plenty are) however, if those Swede's are half as tech savvy as they look, a quick search of their brand would provide mountains of feedback.

Let's call it a feedback, in 140 characters or less.

Much like Facebook there is no guarantee that the people you follow will not post ridiculous things that you really don't care for,

but the stream is continuous if you are following enough people and there will always be a conversation worthy of jumping in on, and if Lilly Allen has PMS.... Well, there is nothing like watching a fully fledged celebrity fight on twitter...priceless.

I get all of my news, weather and the best info on everything on twitter.

getting your point across in 140 characters or less is not only great for your brain and warding off things like dementia..(I can not back that up, but it is mentally stimulating none the less) . surprisingly it also almost eliminates the misunderstandings of intent, common to the text conversation. You are forced to get to the point.

I think I made mine.

My Name is Emma and I don't know how I got in your bathroom. Xx


Miss Pink said...

Honestly how people are still over on facebook is beyond me.
Twitter is all the entertainment I need!
I love that you don't have to like every fucking thing or you're a shit friend. Sometimes I read it, I get the message, and I don't always fucking like it or have something to say.
We are going to get #cabbage trending! It's a mission.

Actually Emma...you have been in my head or something because I wrote a post on this last week which was scheduled to go up on my blog in a few hours. Eeep! I hate that!
I promise your's is a lot funnier.
Can I watch you shower psycho style now?

....wait. I mean the stabby part not the part where he jerks off through a hole in the wall :/ Could have gotten awkward there for a second...

River said...

Ha Ha! you made me laugh out loud with "@Ikea do I have to assemble my own checkout first".
I'm a checkout operator for a major supermarket chain and I can see by people's faces sometimes that they're thinking similar thoughts as they wait in line, especially during busy seasons like Christmas, (or the after school, before teatime rush).
FYI, I rarely LOL this early in the morning, so well done!

River said...

P.S. You won't ever find me on either Twitter or Facebook. Not because I can't work them out, I'm not quite that stupid, but because I just don't feel the need to be that connected. I have better things to do with my free time.