Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A little help? I have a situatition of cabbage proportions..

WARNING POST CONTAINS SEXUAL REFERENCES, THE WORD FELLATIO, cunnilingus. AND A PRACTICAL JOKE OF TWITTEROUS PROPORTIONS.


I love twitter, I am currently writing a really bad guide to using twitter for people not on twitter.... Too many twitters in one sentence, twitter.

Writing a guide to twitter would be Ok, if I didn't use it so badly... However I have learnt two things about teaching in my life time,

"if you can't do.. Teach... " -fellow smart arse.
And
"I just have to stay one lesson ahead of the students" -Marge Simpson.

I have had an increasing difficulty with twitter of late.

This difficulty I am having is in the form of my husband... joining the twitter sphere.

Is NOTHING SACRED I ask???

It is not his general being on twitter that annoys me, or the fact that he EVERYBODY on twitter loves him, or that his handle is a fanny hair away from being my handle, or that he is funnier on twitter than me, or that Barney Martin now knows I have a husband.....

and in some ways, it is definitely a plus...

Like when it makes my rambling on about other bloggers and blogs easier to understand, and when I talk to him in native blogger, he can follow the general gist of it.

Or when he reminds me of up coming events that pop up on the twitter stream and points out the best links I may have missed,

Or when he wins Wiggles tickets.... I'm trying really hard here.

What I have a problem with, is him tweeting me, from the same house, occasionally the same room, sometimes, even, from the. same. lounge.

Occasionally he tells me he is tweeting me, and then he will tell me what he is tweeting then he will giggle whilst he tweets it, and then he will ask me if I got it....

Help. me.

You just know Dr Phil is having a nervous breakdown at the demoralization of our relationship communication as we speak, turning red and puffing out his mo.

(I personally don't think anyone sporting a permanent mustache should be dispensing relationship advice, won't somebody please think of the fellatio  cunnilingus.... You know Robin is smiling because Botox froze her face like that and for no other reason....)

Point is, you don't, it probably says so in the bible some where, Though shalt not send messenger birds to ones spouse from the same dwelling.

I would NEVER tweet him back I vowed.... Or so I thought.



It began like this....

I was sharing in a delightful twitter conversation, with an certain Author, lets call her EminSack regarding Eminem's Australian tour, and his general appeal to the bad boy genius gene in us all, and as it happens when it's late, the topic became more of a comical sexual fantasy situation, involving Dr Dre, the entire D12 clan, a video camera, live rapping, candles for mood lighting and of course Eminem.

It was fantastic for me, That is until MY HUSBAND joined in.

I jumped out of D12's metaphorical water bed faster than you could say who farted.

I replied telling him, in no uncertain terms that Husbands have absolutely no business in adulterous sexual fantasy situation.. Ever...and was happy to be backed up with a few ever ever evereverevers. Ever.

Get out.

I need your help.

He needs more twitter friends, I can not remove him from the twitter stream now, he is in too far.
So I figure he just needs more people to talk to.... Many, many, more people to distract him from my business and Eminem fantasies.

Also, ...and this is purely because I like to fuck with him...... if you wanted to tweet him ...whatever you would like, would you please chuck in the hash tag #cabbage somewhere, you can even just tweet him #cabbage if you like..I thank you, It will amuse me to no end.

Finally! ...He must never know.

I am lucky in the sense that he only pretends to read my blog, so our secret is safe here..for now... HERE is a link to his twitter page.... Go, get cabbaging....I Shall keep you informed.

God Speed.

Emmaxx
PS- don't judge me.... What would you do if your significant other was on twitter? Are they?

8 comments:

Kellie said...

Hahahaha. Mr Emma's Brain has amused me on Twitter on more than one occasion.

I'm very intrigued about #cabbage though. What does it mean?!

Veggie Mama said...

Fellatio is only penis. You're looking for cunnilingus.

#cabbage

Madam Bipolar said...

Photo bomb. #cabbage

Mrs Woog said...

Mr Woog on twitter? That would be the day. Although I have texted hime from the bedroom to the kitchen asking where my goddam coffee is. x

whatsinemmasbrain said...

Thanks Veggie, cunnilingus. I wouldnt know... obviously.. HA! #Cabbage.

Wanderlust said...

How is it that I didn't know how hilarious you are?! My husband used to comment on my blog. All.The.Time.

I told him to get a hobby. Little did I know...

Miss Pink said...

BAHAHAHAHA XD
Ok I have to say it, at least Mr Emmabrain is one pretty awesome dude. Does he replace you? Not in the slighest. But he is cool.

Mr Black only *just* got a facebook, which he never uses, so I think i'm safe with twitter. I will die if he gets one. I totally hate him cramping my style and he sadly does not have the same sense of humor Mr Emmasbrain has. Actually, I think Mr Black had his funny bone removed from a very young age because I cannot make him laugh and clearly i'm a fucking comedian!

I shall commence the cabbage bombing promptly and swiftly. I shall have all morning listening to boring people speak about blogging just to devote to cabbage bombing.
You may thank me with flirtation and a wink.

Caroline said...

omg how have i not know about ur blog. glad to have found it & happy to help with the #cabbage bombing.
my hubby is now on twitter which is weird. haven't tweeted him while in the same house.... yet