Monday, March 26, 2012
I worry... Not about looking like a creep apparently, but everything else.
This page has seen a bit of an update, I have new Contact and About pages, did you see them?
Occasionally my blog pulls the rug out from underneath me, I sit back and stare in awe of it, and I feel like it needs to be better, or that it is somehow undeserving and everyone will find out sooner or later.
I have been filled with that nervous energy since I was nominated for Sydney Writers best blogs 2012, and again when I saw that Tara Moss was also nominated.
It has worsened, as this week also starts the countdown to DPCON2012.
This is an annual blogging Mecca, and this year, I will be speaking. Did you see my button? Ooooh lala.
Now there are several hundred people who will know that my voice is just as annoying in real life as it is in the Ambi Pur ad.
I fly out Thursday.
It drums up the usual nerves, and I have already begun packing, discussing my packing on twitter, repacking, dreaming of packing then being late for my flight and other things that arise from excited nervous energy.
Truth is though, that I can not wait.
It also sees the good old mother guilts arise and anxiety.
They creep out of nowhere, just knowing I will be leaving my offspring for any length of time, I grit my teeth unknowingly making them ache.
I worry about everything and anything that could happen in my absence.
I worry about the flight and I recall every episode of air crash investigation ever made.
I worry whenever my children travel in the car with anyone but me.
I worry that my children will miss me.
I worry that people will believe the hyped up nonsense written about me on the Internet.
I worry that my children will one day read the hyped up nonsense written about me on the Internet.
I worry about my kids choking on foods they are not used to, and allergies.
I worry my children won't miss me.
I worry about roads and strangers.
I worry about aggressive dogs.WTF
I worry about spelling mistakes and the fact that it is glaringly obvious I did not finish high school.
I find myself second guessing myself when I punish my children for very reasonable things.. Because I shouldn't yell at them if I am going away.
I watch my children sleep as though it might be the last time I do, because I am a creep.
These are all ridiculous and unfounded fears I know, but I can't help it.
I also know that I will worry about it until I am landed at Melbourne, where my guilt and anxiety will be momentarily hidden by excitement and busy, making a brief appearance at night, before making a firm comeback on the flight home.
When I am landed and back in my own bed, with my children sleeping soundly as and where they should be then the anxiety leaves and I curse myself for being so ridiculous.
I fear it will always be so.
Let the week begin....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad