Thursday, March 8, 2012

Night time seething 101.


Relationship 101 has made a come back peeps, this is also a little hint to those things I've been working on during my recent silence......

If this one makes no sense to you, then you may have to read the others.


Night time seething.

Night time seething is by far the most dangerous of all seething time, and very difficult to spot as the symptoms are subtle, but if you pay close attention, as clearly you should, you will notice at least one of these common night time seething behavioral changes.

Your spouse will almost always go to bed before you, unannounced and in her least attractive night wear, to ward off any sexual advances.

She will take with her, one, or all of the following;

Smart phone or tablet -

used, most likely, to scan your Social media sites looking for further minor discrepancies to feed her seething, and or to text her sister/bestie to inform them of just how much of a dick head you are.

Something literary in nature,

more likely a magazine than a book as she won't actually be reading any of the print, as this is a time for staring at the pages, sending angry subliminal messages to your fine self, trying to remember something else shitty that you may have done, and playing out the fight in her head before she has it with you, and finally,

Her best listening skills,

all the while she is seething, her fine tuned ears are tracking your movements.

Your spouse listens attentively for several reasons,

The first reason being that every thing you do in her absence is being silently judged, and followed up in her mind with a sarcastic dig.

For example, you may think that you are innocently helping yourself to a snack of say..... Toast, and are about to enjoy your toast whilst watching the end of your chosen television program.

Your spouse will be staring through the pages of her literary aid, making snide remarks in her head such as "yeah..... Choke your fucking toast"
whilst mentally calculating how many crumbs you are leaving for her to clean off the bench top,
making silent bets with herself that you will not put the plate or knife away..................... and like magic, "you are so selfish" and perhaps "I am not your fucking mother/maid" is added to the argument.

The second reason for her attentive listening, is she must remain on high alert for your imminent arrival to the bedroom, or as it is now known, the den of resentment.
It is as ominous as it sounds.

At the first sign that you are about to enter the den, your spouse will move from her usual sprawled, bed hogging position, to as far away from your side of the bed, as is physically possible.

Sheets will be tucked high and tight to prevent physical contact, and her back will ALWAYS be turned away from you, she may be feigning sleep, or still burning angry scorch marks into her chosen literary aid..


Although you may be thinking that you have won some sort of Nigerian testical room mattress lottery, you are in deeper trouble than you think.

Your good night kisses and affections will be met with stiff cold back.

You can be easily fooled into thinking that your spouse is immersed in her reading material, or indeed asleep..... You could not be any further from the truth.

If you are to ignore these warning signs, do not despair, there will be other, less subtle signs.

An inability to get comfortable.....Frustrated leg hurling and pillow fisting.... Yes I said fisting, you know what I mean, grow up.

Over exaggerated sighing and hair flicking.

Blanket claiming, using excessive force

The longer your lack of acknowledgment continues, the more pronounced these warning signs will become.

You know the wise old couples that have been married for eighty years say never go to bed angry?
This is what they are talking about.

The amount of time you take to enquire about which law you have broken and admit that you are a huge crap clown jerk can mean the difference between make up sex and a week in the dog house.

Never, I cannot stress this enough, never, let this seething time simmer till morning.

Good luck.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

6 comments:

Miss Pink said...

You should add that either we go to bed early unannounced or that we sit up for hours after you go to bed because we don't want to have to deal with you.

I have spent the last year seething. Wonder how long that puts Mr Black in the dog house.
Also I have to agree about the carefully listening to everything that they are doing and adding that to the list of reasons why you're pissed off. I am so so guilty of that.

perthwife said...

It's like you climbed into my brain - I'm with you on all of the above. And like Miss Pink, I've sat up for hours after Husband has gone to bed if he's pissed me off.

Also with the careful listening - We're listening to figure out whether or not you will bring a peace offering of tea and chocolate. If not, then yes, I hope you fucking choke on those toast crumbs ya bastard!!!

Meggsie said...

So true so very true. Men are such simple creatures

Becky from BeckyandJames.com said...

Oh how true is this. My husband never, ever gets it. I have posted this on FB so he can read and become educated!

toushka lee said...

This is so totally true. every goddamn word. is this a guest post I forgot writing?

AmyQ said...

This had me laugh til I cried! I actually married one of those rare men that use all these tactics himself on the odd occasion. Silly man- trying to beat me at my own game.