Monday, March 5, 2012

PMS and the Bank of Acrimony- Relationship101.

This week, sees a return of relationship 101.

PMS 101

Look here.

Your spouse does not get PMS out of thin air.... She does not ever invent things to become irate about, just because she feels like being a hormonal bitch.

As your guide, and fountain of all womanly knowledge, I will do my best to explain PMS to you, so take a seat and pipe down.

Your spouse is a caring and loving woman, and perhaps you are under the deluded impression that once a month, hormones take over, and she miraculously turns into the love child of Adele and Alanis Morrisette. .............Full of rage, tears and capable of throwing things a great distance, with suburb accuracy.

This is profoundly untrue. A myth passed down from generation to generation.

You see.....You manage to do at least eight thousand shitty things a week, and your spouse, being the caring soul she is, overlooks or at the very least stays silent about these seemingly minor crimes.

There are a myriad of things she must do, and being angry at you is a waste of her precious time and energy.

Perhaps there are seventy loads of washing to be done, or a blog conference she must attend, perhaps it is something as simple as a sex and the city marathon on fox.

You, are not the only grain of sand on the beach.

What your spouse does do, being the miraculously marvelous and highly adaptable creature she is, is store this inner anger in a deep and mysterious part of her fabulous mind, called the bank of acrimony, locked away, only to be unlocked when her hormone levels plummet.

These out bursts may appear to come from nowhere but rest assured,
your spouse was shitty about all of the seemingly minor errs, before Aunt Flo's imminent arrival. It is just that, with the addition of;

cramping, bloating, Tampons and all Tampon related ads with slender women in white pants dancing through fields of flowers, lethargy, break outs, sore breasts, "pads", and the fact that someone decided to name them "pads", uncontrollable flatulence, bad hair, hormonal headaches and the occasional sudden and sharp shooting pain up the bum....... her bullshit tolerance is, unfortunately for you.... zero.

So when you leave your canoe shoes 8cm from the wardrobe, (the rightful home of shoes), the toilet seat up after your relief or worse..down when you are relieving, you are late home and your children appear to have returned from a trip to camp ass hole, your singing voice, or just your voice in general, the way you stand, the way you sit, your snoring, the way you chew your food, Justin Beiber etc etc.......... there are just too many other aggravations going on around her to over look your crimes at this particular time.

It is also about once a month that the bank of acrimony becomes full to overflowing..... It is primarily healthy and in fact, necessary to empty the resentment every now and then.

You see, her PMS is not about her, it is about you.

How about you just don't leave your shoes out dick head.

Class dismissed.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Miss Pink said...

Yes yes and fucking YES.
Sorry but you know it pisses me off when you leave your clothes on the ground and not in the hamper, so don't fucking do it or I'm gunna yell at you.
Not even my kids pull that shit.

River said...

Seventy loads of washing?
Please tell me you don't wash everything in the house every single week!

or is it that you load and run the machine one sock at a time....

Think I'll leave now........

whatsinemmasbrain said...

Ok, so it is probably closer to five, but for arguments sake it's seventy, especially with this rain!

whatsinemmasbrain said...

It's not hard is it?

Miss Pink said...

Made Mr Black read this. He wasn't impressed. How did I end up with such a humorless bastard?

whatsinemmasbrain said...

I'm deeply disturbed that he does not share our humor. Deeply disturbed and slightly offended.

Miss Pink said...

He is humourless. Don't take it too hard. Not even I can make him laugh. He thinks I'm just stupid, but clearly I'm a fucking riot!