I have been in my current position here in the house for going on fourteen years. The eldest of my children is thirteen, the youngest is three.
Some days, like today, I feel as though I'm stuck in a job I hate, that I have been in far too long, and I can not leave.
I am a stay at home mum, that's my job and my current position, although extremely important, is mundane, unappreciated and unstimulating.
I should feel lucky and grateful, there are plenty of parents who would chew their own eye out if it meant that they did not have wave good bye to their precious little people every work day.
I don't know how I would be if I had no choice, after all, I have become ridiculously attached to the people I work with, I love my children.
Much like any job however, the uninspired routine of all the necessary sundries it takes for any family to run efficiently have become mind numbingly banal. I look on these tasks with resentment and contempt.
All of the activities that fill your mind when you think of stay at home parenting are lost in the day to day grind just to keep things functioning.
I want to paint with my children, I want to make forts out of bed sheets.
I have lost count of just how many times I have said "no matey, no painting right now, let's go out side and you can learn about colours while you hand me with the pegs"
I could paint you know, I should paint, but thought of the extra work load it creates makes me look at this activity with dread and the mother I want to be screams,
"STUFF THE WASHING!!!" LET'S COVER THOSE TINY HANDS IN PAINT WHILE THEY ARE STILL TINY!!!"
The employee in me says in a much more rational tone;
" I only just got the paint off the floor from the last time we painted two months ago, and I haven't knocked off to bed before midnight this week, I can not do any more overtime, learning colour through peg passing is much more fiscally responsible"
I resent my place in the house a lot less when things are running relatively efficiently, this economy is lost in activities like painting and sheet forts, and more frequently of late, my need to keep these tasks to a minimum for my own sanity wins out over any best intentions.
The older my children get, the more acerbity I feel about the people within my team family, not pulling their weight.
That's because they are not.
These thoughts an feelings fill my memory and take the places of all the ones I want to create with my family, it serves no purpose other than to feed my parental guilt.
Parental guilt likes to remind me that I'm doing a crappy job.
Today, I'd like to remind parental guilt to f@#* off.
I'm doing the best I can, with the resources, staff and budget available to me.
That's all I'm thinking right now.
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