Thursday, June 28, 2012

So... I have this friend...(NSFW)


This week has been spent wrapped in the blanket of fever, which, you know..... Is a slight exaggeration, but I have had the flu.
I caught it from the germ ridden freaks, that are my dear children, after I spent the long weekend, picking up discarded tissues off the floor, making soup and delivering glasses of water to besides.

As nature would have it, these germs took over my body, at the convenient time of the exact moment that everyone else in my family recovered.
So I propped myself up in bed with a box of tissues, sipping on a mug of honey and lemon, and waited for my family to bring me soup, rub my aching joints and ask if there was anything they could do for me.... Like fetch me a magazine.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......... Anyway.....

So before I knew it, I had not blogged in over a fortnight.
My reasons for doing so are not important, significant or even interesting sadly.

Here is a short summary of my movements in my absence.

*Master Seven turned Master eight... He had a sleep over... Shit got BROKEN... My house is slowly recovering from the violation.

*I've had the flu, which I was momentarily convinced was the Ebola Virus... I lost my sense of taste and smell.

*I can't smell any of that jokes are NOT FUNNY... I am looking at you cabbage.

*I called my Doctor Dude... Accidentally. I was mortified.

*Le Band booked our first official gig.

*I was approached in public by a stranger who reads my blog, I felt famous.

Sadly, that was about it, and as My general slothing around in self pity does not make for a good blog post,I called some friends, Lucky for me, they are interesting....

So I present, with many thanks to the Doc....



The dildo story.

Mid wallowing, I answered the phone to the despairing voice a friend (whom we shall call the Doc)
Claiming that she may have married the man from the Tampon ad, who chooses the largest size.

Upon asking why, I received this explanation.


That very afternoon, the Doc's husband returned home from work with a very excited grin, clasping a special present for her, behind his back, excitedly hopping from one foot to another in the typical dance of excited husbands, that can only be described as "I've got a pres-ent for yooooou" loosely translated into "I'm getting sooo-mme"

Her mind raced with what it could have been, perfume perhaps? A great book?
Her husband jiggled the parcel in her face and headed straight for the bedroom... She followed him in and he sat seductively on the end of the bed, with the present laying beside him.
The Doc excitedly ripped open the package to discover her newest possession.

Her husband then left for Friday drinks, and the doc of course... Called me.
.... then texted this photo





It's a little bit presumptuous don't you think? The doc continued, I mean, it's kind of something I would have liked to have chosen myself!?!

She went on to say that she could just imagine him, standing in front of a huge wall of rubber dicks, making his choice....
According to her, his thought process went a little like this...

I won't get that huge one, because she might think she is missing out... I don't want to get one too small..or it will look like I'm not getting her a big one and then she will know that she is missing out.....

What of I wanted the big bumpy purple one Emma??? What about that?!?

I had a minute to catch my breath from laughing when the Doc had another call, she returned to our conversation with the words...

You will never. Guess. What . Just happened.

Her husband had called to ask If she had used his present yet.

The rant continued ...WHAT THE SWEET EFF DOES HE THINK I DO ALL DAY?!?!
Not only does my mother live with us... For starters right, but like I Have a spare freaking minute to lay around fanging into myself?!?
Like the minute he left I was wacking the batteries in?!?

She was beside herself with disbelief, who was this man she had married?.

I then told the Doc, .....because I'm a great at dispensing advice kind of friend,.... that I would just absolutely have to make that conversation into a Blog post....

Thanks Doc.

Emma xx

6 comments:

Kel said...

That is freaking HILARIOUS!!

Debyl said...

From flu to dildo,who would have thought of those two words in the same sentence:)
What a post...love how you think.Hilarious.Thanks for the laugh.xx

Hannah said...

Well my advice to the world is don't keep scrolling on a post with dildo in the title if your ten year olds playing his DS next to you... lolololss

River said...

On the plus side, that gift is a very pretty colour.

I hope you're well over the flu by now.

Bin said...

I was wondering where you have got to. I have had the same flu. As soon as the fam got over it , I got it! Not happy :-(

Amber Neilson said...

I aslo called my GP Dude this week! Twice in the one visit! I was also suitably appalled with myself as soon as the word was out of my mouth! Both times. I then attempted to sound as grown up and serious as possible to make up for my juvenile snap!