Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My house knows when winter is over.

I had writers block which is a bitch, and if I had to describe it, I would say, it was a bitch. Simply because I can’t think of any other adjective other than the one I have already used.

The only thing for it is to walk away, and if you are me, you walk away and collapse in a dramatic heap of defeat, breathe through the impulse to kick things then forget all about it, and do something else.

My something else is usually housework, of which I am not a great fan.

I like to think of myself a Cycle Cleaner. My house work routine usually consists of watching the rapid decline of the house until I can no longer stand it. In which time I have a huge manic clean and am not satisfied till everything sparkles. I then sit back momentarily satisfied with a glass of wine and smugly watch The Lifestyle channel and eventually, the rapid demise of all my hard work. 

I’m clearly an all or nothing kind of house worker.
Sadly the house only ever sparkles for a very limited time, and no one ever drops in when my house is at its sparkling best, No.

People drop in when you have just cleaned out the kids wardrobes, and have 4 large throw out bags lined up in your hall way, an unflushed toilet, six dry weetbix crushed into the floor, and a mouse, that could probably smell the crushed weetbix, and got intercepted somewhere by the cat, who chewed it, and left as some sort of psychotic gift in the middle of the porch.

That’s when people drop in.

I should get a large neon sign like a shitty motel, but instead of my sign reading NO vacancy, it will read Please DON’T drop in, and I could blink the little DON’T on and off according to which time of my house cleaning cycle I am at.

How is there NOT a Facebook app for that? You could check in as Yes, I have just finished my house, please drop in. or offline cleaning, and do not knock. Write that down.

Every now and then I look around my house and fall into a blind panic at the thought of someone dropping in, and this usually happens once a quarter when the seasons shift.

I am like the cleaning groundhog of season prediction.

The end of winter drags on, and just as the days begin to get a little longer again, I look around my house in disgust. What at one time appeared to be cosy, becomes suffocating.

Wardrobes are busting with bulky winter clothing, the laundry gets clogged with masses of rugs that aren’t going to dry, rain coats and big wet boots.

Cosy woollen rugs that once sat invitingly draped over the end of the lounge, multiply over winter, due to your children not being able to share a single fucking thing, before you know it you can’t see any lounge beneath a mountain of colour clashing throw rugs.

With the sun being out for a bit longer, and heavy dust gathering window furnishings are opened, giving you enough hours of daylight to realise your yard looks like shit vomited in a broken toy disposal and grew grass.

And for the love of all things good and gracious, can I please get this fucking slow cooker off my bench, and give me a bit of room.

And so begins the start of my spring cleaning cycle, otherwise known as the- let me out of this weetbix ridden cesspool of fabric, phase.

Yes my friends...My Writers Unblocked and Winter is drawing to an end. I can feel it in my house work.

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