Monday, August 6, 2012

The house that crap built, A PMS inspired rant.



Some days I have to remind myself to be grateful that I’m not homeless, because I am an arsehole.
Sometimes.... Its PMS.

-----------------------------------Begin PMS inspired Rant----------------------------------------

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t want to buy a house. For whatever reason, it has always been fundamentally important to me.
I am not entirely sure why, especially now that I have purchased a house, it just has always been so.

I remember the Hippies pottering around our house as a kid, always planting things or fixing things, building outdoor statues, OR hosting barbeque's. We ate from our garden, and chickens.

If a wall was in the way you knocked it out, if you needed extra space you built a large shed, called it a studio, and if you are my dad, you don’t put it through council first, because it is none of the Council’s fucking business where we get creative. Damn the man.

As kids, we would help with fetching hammers and and paintbrushes and it provided me with a fondness for big old houses, with amazing floorboards hidden underneath the viniest of carpets. Of hidden fireplaces, claw foot baths and big wide veranda's

You lived in your house and changed things as you needed, Slowly your house grows until you eventually have it the way you want it, which is never, and that would be fine with me.

My longing for wanting to potter around in my own space has meant that Cabbage and I purchased the mother of all fixer uppers. Which was awesome, especially when We ripped out carpet, polished the floor boards, replaced carpets, then we painted, I put 1000 picture hooks in the wall just because I could, we replaced flooring, we put in a new kitchen we then we painted the front and dug holes, went to Ikea 8 weekends in a row then erected chook houses, our kids would screw up their noses and harmonise “Not Bunning’s! I hate Bunning’s” in perfect unison EVERY weekend, and we put slats on shit, and now I’m OVER it.

Sadly, you are not rewarded with hidden fireplaces in a 1950’s four bedroom fibro’s….. Won’t somebody please think of the asbestos!!
Everything costs a small fortune, SOmetimes I just want to buy shoes, and not hardware....My Gardens are not staying alive where I want them to stay alive, I’m sick of things being half finished. I need a studio.

There is a new ** Echidna killing* housing development being built behind us.
(** May not be responsible for the missing echidna...*Echidna may not actually, even be missing.)




This is an Echinda, For all of the Overseasians.


 Four months now of 7am starts, digging, tractors, men in florescent vests leaning on things and sipping coffee from thermoses and staring into my backyard. It really annoys me when people stare into my backyard. Like unnecessarily so....

Four months of digging, four months since I saw our little chicken pen raiding echidna, what happened to you? Four months and they are yet to start foundations.

Speaking of which, We received a notice in the mail from the Echidna killers, the fence adjoining ours was to be replaced, by, get this. 8ft Butter Cup Fucking yellow colour bond.

I mean you no offense if you, own a buttercup yellow colour bond, each to their own, but seriously…. .Not My Forte'

I have to reply to the letter confirming my decision on the fence adjoining the development.Only
You kind of picked a bad day to send the letter, because There will be no buttercup fucking yellowing of  ANY FUCKING THING!!! Because I don’t want to have to think about paint colours or putting in new fences and gardens or dick anything about renovating right now!!

If you had have given me that letter in a month from now (OK maybe not a month.. but like six weeks), After a bit of a break....... or perhaps your workers would spend more time digging (and less time STARING INTO MY BACKYARD!! IT’S RUDE!!) I might have felt differently about the buttercup yellow.

I mean I would still hate it, but I could have reacted a little more civilly,....... like agreed to your colour-blind attempts to crap up the atmosphere, and just painted our side dark grey or perhaps eucalyptus green and then made fun of your fence colour choice behind your back.
Unfortunately no... Not today.
Today I hate your face.

--------------END PMS INSPIRED RANT----------------






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