Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So You Are Having A Baby! (Not Me, calm down)


I recently read THIS GUEST POST after it was shared by The Veggie Mama. its funny, and I was inspired. With my various feeds busting with pregnancy announcements and brand new babies cute-ing up the atmosphere I have decided to write this post.

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So you are having a baby!

I have expelled three of my very own from my uterus, so that makes me qualified to cram advice down your neck.  I know, everyone feels like they are entitled to cram advice down your neck, even people whose eldest two children are in gaol and their youngest now 28, is currently completing a degree at Clown School will have advice for you and will be visibly busting out of their masseur sandals to point out what it is you could be doing better.

It’s important to think of this post, not as advice, but more…….the things I want to tell you, whilst I grab you by the shoulders and shake you with great force and shout far too close to your face.

Firstly,
I advise you to take the advice of others with a grain of salt. Even mine, Read this post and then ignore me and go about your business, stop only to think of this post when this stuff actually happens to you.

 I took on all types of advice from every Tom and Dick on the street when I had my first child, because.....Scandal of all scandals, I had no idea what I was doing. Then I had two more, and I STILL had no idea what I was doing, what I did figure out was, that no two babies or alike, not even if they came out of the same vagina and had the exact same parenting. So I learned fairly early on, to take everyone’s advice and cram it into a cram it jar, if its particularly annoying and out dated advice, then give the advice crammer the forks when they walk away.. Follow it through with a fart noise, it will make you feel better.

 Like any parent, I’m just hanging on by the tip of fingernails… and my fingernails most likely have someone else’s poo underneath them. Who are you going to trust? Me? With poo under-nail?  Or You?
 (To aid in your decision, you should know that I’m just hoping my children don’t end up in gaol or clown school now, because I would look quite the fool.)

Moving forward, the second thing that I would like to tell you, Is stool related. I apologise
This WILL happen. You will become stool obsessed, and not just with your baby. Your own toilet time will become sacred,  It could very well be the first time you have sat down all day and it gives you a minute to check your Facebook and read my blog posts, even though I’m in here, talking to you while you do it, this here…. Take a look around… is your new retreat. Now, I’m not promising that your retreat will be a personal place or that you will toilet alone for the next…( going on, let me see… thirteen years now) but I promise you will reach a point that you will not feel guilty for ignoring your kids and pretending that they aren’t there whilst you do.

This brings me to …Thirdly.

 If your child is sleeping in your bed/still has a dummy/ is not walking-toileting-reciting Shakespeare… and you tell people? There… for some reason foreign to me... is a percentage of the population that will hear these words and take personal offense. 
Something as simple as...“Our little Poppy is still in our bed and I haven’t had relations that did not involve the couch for three years” 
is converted in the ears of these people, as a very real request for your child to start sleeping in the bed with them.

They will be outraged, then begin to list the eight thousand things that you have already tried or, considered and decided against to get your child OUT OF THEIR BED.. I mean YOUR bed, despite the fact that they are not the ones carrying their child at a 45% angle whilst reciting baa baa black sheep backwards and in the key of F# Sharp just to get their child to sleep, or the fact that you might actually enjoy the comfort and deep sleep of knowing that your child is right there next to you. I have done both of these things and my children are so far doing OK.
 For dealing with these people, refer to The forks in paragraph one, But please don’t let these people stop you from sharing your experience with other mothers, because for every bad day you are having there is someone else who’s arm is too tired from holding their child at a 45 degree angle to raise it and say it aloud too.

Fourthly… Is fourthly a word? It sounds wrong… never the less… FOURTHLY!

Never say that you are NEVER going to do something as a parent. That pretty much guarantees that you will.

There was once a time that I vowed NEVER to give my child a dummy, in hindsight... which is a fabulous thing…. this was because I had a child who wasn’t very interested in a dummy. I had a child who settled easily, fed well and slept soundly without the aid of a dummy, right next to me in MY bed mind you, and as long as that kid had a firm sticky grip on my person, or something attached to my person, like a necklace or my pant leg, then I was mother of the year with a perfect child.

In my mind, the fact that I was awesome enough to have a child that was not comforted by a dummy was the sole reason that MY kid never put anything they shouldn’t in their mouth...

Soon enough MY kid almost choked on a barbie shoe, and I realised that my kid didn’t put barbie shoes in their mouth because we didn’t have barbie shoes at our house……Then I had another baby… and that baby screamed blue murder whenever there wasn’t a nipple in the near vicinity, and I found myself cramming a cherry shaped latex one in his little mistakenly famished squawk hole and the relief for both of us was even better than a poo alone in the retreat……… and then I fell a very long way of my lovely high horse. Her name was Martha and I loved her.

There was also that time that I judged another mother for not giving their child a regular high cut, this was purely because I was yet to have a child with an aversion to haircuts. My child now regularly sports a stack-hat like hairstyle I don’t even bat an eyelid. His development to date has been pleasing and does not seem to be tidy haircut dependant.

Lastly, Because Fifthly sounds ridiculous and if it is a word it’s probably already used in a porno somewhere.

Take the time to smile at your little one from another room, another chair, out of the window, from the front seat of the car... blow them a kiss even when they don’t want one, sing them a song in the key of F Sharp, carry them at a 45 degree angle, give them a dummy, don’t give them a dummy.. Co sleep, don’t co sleep, breast, bottle WHATEVER you have to do to make this time as easy and enjoyable as it should be, that’s your way.
In as many years as there are intelligent points in this post, (Five) your little bean will be going off to school, and you will be sniffing into your hand, not to check for any traces of poo but because your baby has grown, and so begins a series of waving to them.

Congratulations.