Monday, February 11, 2013

Karma is a bitch, when you are sweetheart.


This weekend heralded the arrival of PMS.
Not just any PMS.. But Megatron PMS, the kind of PMS that comes only with a new moon, and its red hot anger is felt in every fibre of your being.

It's not the sneaky kind of PMS, that you are completely unaware of, that sees you blow your stack and have a good cry, before you realise what it was all about.

It is a simmering ball of rage that there is no pacifying. You are completely aware that you are suffering PMS, you just couldn't give a fudge cracker.
You are conscious of the fact that it is not exactly acting like a reasonable and stable person, and yet, don't care. While you are more than aware of your PMS, it is NEVER Ok for anyone else to acknowledge it,
Its the kind of PMS in which you are tempted to stroll down a street of the most undesirable neighbourhood with all of your electronics, jewellery and a fifty dollar note hanging out of your bag, in the hope that someone will attempt to snatch it, just so that you can feel the sweet relief of hammering someone over the head with it.

On a criminal scale, it is what is referred to as Pre Meditated PMS.

Anyway, after spending most of Friday evening having a good cry, because everyone else in the entire universe is a fuck Witt, I decided that the best thing for the weekend ahead would be to stay as busy as possible, and as far away from my usual episode triggers as I could.

My usual triggers are mess of any variety.
During my premenstrual moments, I take every crumb left on the bench, every wet towel left on the floor, every piece of pointy Lego left out of the tub, every weed that dares to sprout it's fucked up little head in my garden and every piss the dog hangs, as a direct and personal slight.

Tasks that I would usually complete without a second thought become red beacons of exactly how unappreciated I am and exactly how selfish everyone that comes into contact with me is, and exactly how much I hate everything.

Yes my friends, I am a tiny bundle of rainbows.

Anyway, Saturday saw the temperatures soar again, and excessive heat and Megatron PMS are almost deadly, so a trip to the beach was decided.

Feeling surprisingly serene at the beach, I decided to take a dip. I swam as far out as I could, till every asshole was out of earshot, past the breaking waves to the calmer waters that lift you high and gently place you down again and then continue their way to the shore to hopefully pick someone up and dump them, comfortable in the fact that if a shark attacked, my excess rage would render me safe and the shark very sorry.

I was floating in the water, my ears under, eyes closed, soaking in the serenity when I heard a splashing sound. I opened an eye to see a mass of paddle boarders taking equal advantage of the beautiful day.

I swallowed down some bitter, reasoned with myself that the beach was there to share and I moved out of the way to give them adequate room to do their stupid paddle boarding and for me to enjoy some serenity again.

Not ten minutes later, the paddle boarders were all up in my space again, so very patiently I moved again, only to have the selfish dickheads follow me and get all up in my serenity ten minutes later.

I was contemplating whether or not I would just go back in or eat them alive, when I copped a face full of splash from a particularly inconsiderate paddle boarder.

I was all like... You. Today, it is going to be you. Welcome to hell.

I wiped the splash from my face, gained myself some sturdy footing and shouted.

"Oi, Dick face!"

The guilty paddle boarder turned toward me.
I couldn't stop it... I should have stopped it but the urge was too great.. I flung my arms in the air to gesture how much space the ocean has and I said... I said.

"Look at the ocean! There is soooo fucking much of it, LOOK AT ALL THE ROOM WE HAVE FOR ACTIVITIES!! " and yet... YOU have to follow my ass around?!? We're you born that selfish Or did something happen to you that made you think that you are the only un-fucking-coordinated grain of sand on this BEACH!?!"

The paddle boarder eyed me cautiously, I assume, trying to decide whether I was mentally unstable, which of course I was, but said nothing, which was very wise, and I assume he was married, and savvy in the ways of Megatron PMS.

His lack of reaction, and the slight hint of fear in his eyes saw me stomp, well, not really stomp because I was in five ft. of water but, fling myself unceremoniously back to the shore where I promptly fell on my ass on jagged rocks.

It wasn't just any fall either, it was the fall when one second you are standing and then the next you are on your ass with a face full of sea weed, for no reason.

Karma pushed me.

To make matters slightly more embarrassing, some of the paddle boarders friends rushed to my assistance because cabbage was too busy trying to catch breath from laughing so hard. I looked up at them; they looked down on me, faces full of concern, asking if I was OK?

I replied that I was OK, I wasn't hurt, and that I was just very, very embarrassed.
One of the paddle boarders friends grabbed my arm and helped me to my feet, and smiled reassuringly and said, don't be embarrassed, be proud. That was a Heller stack.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I began to laugh, and I continued on my way to my towel, all the while pretending that my knee cap didn't feel as though it was about to fall off, because it's far less embarrassing to fall and not hurt yourself.

Touché Karma, well done my dear friend.

And with that, all the dickheads in the land were actually alright, and my Megatron PMS was left behind in the ocean, and cabbage said nothing about a missed funniest home video's opportunity, because he knows better and was probably scared.

Karma is ALWAYS a bitch when you are.

Emma. Xx

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