Thursday, March 7, 2013

Ed Sheeran concerts, bitches and avoiding fisty cuffs.


So! I made it to Ed Sheeran.


Hey girl!... Thanks for saving me from a glass vodka bottle!


This post is not the story of the Ed Sheeran concert... No, not yet... It was too amazing to fit into this post, but it is the story of how I went to an Ed Sheeran concert with thousands of twelve year old girls, feel very old, and managed to get into a fight over the front of stage...

It began like this.

I was all prepared to attend the concert Hans Solo, but by a sheer stroke of luck, I got a heads up tweet that they were releasing 7 tickets an hour before the show, and in a further act of good fortune, I managed to snap up another dance floor ticket in the seven seconds it took before they sold out, so cabbage came along. I love you interwebs.

We managed to get a superb parking spot and as we walked together hand in hand (PFFFT just kidding) to Win stadium, cabbage glanced around nervously at the many, MANY screaming girls (some girls were not screaming for the record) and enquired if there would be ANY other males in attendance.

Lucky for cabbage, when we managed to locate our line, (which was a million miles long in the rain, he was pleased to see lots of other dads and boyfriends collectively exchanging nervous glances and making periodic dramatic gestures that drew attention to the fact that they were attending with their girlfriend slash daughter.. You know... Just so everyone knew that they were not in line to see Ed Sheeran by themselves. *rolls eyes and chokes on testosterone ridiculousness.

(By the way, on this point... I was saddened... No wait saddened isn't the word... Violently ill.

I was violently ill to hear this out dated Macho phobic attitude expressed in almost every media interview Ed Sheeran gave in Oz. I don't think I heard one interview that did not make mention the fact that he was not exactly in the male music listener demographic." GET. THE. FUCK. OVER it People... Stop telling people what they should like based on whether they have a flapper or a hanger between their legs. It's madness. Grow up. Talent appreciation is not gender specific. Yes, I am looking at you, Australian radio... Looking at you, and giving you a superior stink eye.)

Now, for those who don't know me very well, I don't like lines, or people all up in my personal bubble of space, or rain all that much..Actually there aren't many things I do like, because I am a jerk, you will be glad to know however, that I made it through the 2 hour line without incident or complaint. THAT is how keen I was to see this man.

Once inside, despite being insulted at the front door by NOT being asked for ID before they slapped an over 18 band on my arm, *rolls eyes again, whilst grasping my face to prevent eye rolling induced crows feet** I was in very excited spirits. I was further delighted to find myself smack bang stage front.

Next to me, on my left, was a sweet girl, of about sixteen, who was decked out in head to toe Ed Sheeran brand clothing with a delightful Ed Sheeran paw print painted on the palm of one of her hands with permanent texta, the other hand clutching a stuffed kangaroo with a little Australian flag, and a red rose. This little girl had come on her own.
The girl excitedly grinned at me as though she may spontaneously explode, exposing two rows of braced teeth, and I was reminded of youth, or more specifically.. The lack of youth my pelvic floor contains and after smiling through her manic chatter about lining up in the rain since lunchtime I just HAD to pee.
So I left cabbage with strict instruction to guard my stage front spot with his life I left to take care of it.

On my return I saw cabbage glancing around nervously, and after thinking that some bitch was about to steal my front row spot, I stomped over with purpose to my rightful place only to see a woman of at least 18 (as she had a green armband), and friend, very aggressively shoulder charging the braced little girl out of her spot that she had lined up since lunchtime in the rain for, knocking her stuffed kangaroo into the dance floor.

The little girl, whom looked quite upset and was now scrambling to save both her well-earned position and collect her stuffed kangaroo from certain stampede, and Cabbage was holding onto the young girls shoulder to prevent her from being swallowed in the crowd, whilst clearing a spot with his feet to retrieve Skippy, when the woman gave her friend a smirk took a swig from a cheap ass mini vodka bottle she took from her clutch and danced away to Passenger (the support artist) whilst looking lovingly up at him as though they were to be one day wed.

The woman's friend who was clearly not as brave, caught sight of my purposeful stride and filthy facial expression born of first division women's rugby union and also surviving the pubs of the Wollondilly.. And tapped the woman on the shoulder to warn of impending trouble.

Now, before I go on, you should know that I am not a very violent person.. I am far better with words than I am with my fists, also the word "assault" is not one I want on my permanent record. But I was Sooo mad. I was mad for this little braced girl, I was mad for my daughter, knowing what kind of bully bitchiness she would endure in her future, I was mad for women, and I was Red hot mad that some people think that they can get out of lining up since lunchtime in the rain and takes someone else's spot, that some people feel that they can bully, push and intimidate others just because they can.

The woman who had been forewarned of my impending approach by her friend looked me square in the eye and raised one eyebrow, a look used by the very beautiful and arrogant as a mark of superiority. An eyebrow raise in a manner that I'm sure she meant as a dare for me, but I saw it as another intimidation tactic used by scruts everywhere for generations.
I'm old remember.. I know this shit.


I took in her skin tight black dress, her very long legs and her beautiful hair and I strode over and stood very close to her face and stared.

The woman stared back, not giving an inch, so I could contain it no longer. I glanced briefly at the poor little braced girl with tears in her eyes trying to resurrect her trampled kangaroo, trying to find the right words.

When I had them, I looked this bitch right in the face again and said very loudly that I liked the dress she was wearing.
She looked at me quite confused, so I went on to say that I am sure I had seen one just like it on sale at the desperate whore store, and if she thought that she could push little girls to get to the front, on the off chance that Ed Sheeran might glance her way and fall madly in love and want to fuck her or something, that she should probably take a trip to the toilets first and attempt to wash the puss like bully, skank of her face, because it was very obvious. *Complete with hand circling face gestures.

She took the stance of cowardly bitches everywhere looked shocked and took a step away from me, turned her attention to the stage with a hair flick and pretended she could not hear me, so I tapped her, very firmly in the soft tender part of her bony shoulder (another rugby tactic) and she nervously glanced at me, not holding my eye so bravely this time.

Her not so brave but wiser friend was desperately grabbing her other arm and trying to pull her to the back, I was shaking inside, I did not want to hit this girl, I didn't want her to hit me, I am not a fighter I am five ft. and one ant.. & weigh 56kg.. I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN at an Ed Sheeran concert FFS!!! I was in too far, I could not give a speech like that and let her ignore me and continue to enjoy her superb view of the stage from her undeserved position.
So loudly again I asked her if she needed help getting her bully skank ass to the toilet? She ignored me still.

It was crunch time, now or never, so I did what anyone would do in my situation.. I took a quick glance around then grabbed the arm of the closest security guard and yelled in his ear over the music that THAT WOMAN, accompanied by an accusing finger ..had a glass bottle in her handbag, and I heard her laughing to her friend about throwing it at Ed Sheeran.

The security guard gestured to her to come hither, and by gestured I mean that he grabbed her by the shoulder and dragged her out of the dance floor and she meekly walked passed me and I smiled sweetly as he emptied her handbag and confiscated a glass mini bar vodka bottle and sent her to the back with a slight shove and a bored facial expression. I was delighted to see that she was crying.

DELIGHTED I tell you.

I gave the braced little girl a bit of a wink and a reassuring smile and also apologised for my bad language. She looked up at me and smiled, I may have frightened her because she spent the rest of the concert standing very close to cabbage, but she ended up handing her rose and stuffed kangaroo to near by security, whom then placed it on the stage.

All is well that ends well, except thatapparently... I am a grown ass woman, at an Ed Sheeran concert who is not above dobbing.

But the show was FABULOUS!!

If you need a hint at just how fabulous, I suggest you check this one out..especially the 90's kids and fans of Dr Dre. It is not from the concert, but the fabulousness is the same.


Em xx

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