Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I was never going to need this, then I did...

I was never a very good student. Not when it came to the part where I had to sit still, or wear a uniform, or any of the other conforming that I found ridiculous. My grades were good though, I always did well, well, except for maths.

I would sit through maths, roll my eyes at things like algebra and have a complete meltdown of frustration, and bored hysteria.
 I was NEVER gonna NEED this.
If the x is 9 then call it NINE, asshole.
If I need to find the value of A, I will ask someone whom loves the Shit out of finding the value of A, and wants to marry it and have its babies, and THEY can tell me what I need to know, and who cares anyway, because I don't need algebra to find Dave Grohl, convince him we were perfect for each other and live happily ever after, which, at the time, was my life's only purpose.

Since becoming a parent, I have found there are a great many skills that I never thought I would need, and it turns out I do, the most surprising of which, is maths.

As a parent, you will do a great amount of counting. You will count the steps you climb, pegs you are handed, and you will also find that one, two, and three, will be most commonly used, and followed with either a Go! Or wheeeeeee!

You will also use a counting system to give your child time to stop and reflect on their behaviour, thus giving them the chance to do the "right" thing.
For example;

Your children will be fighting over....let's say, who fucking cares, but it will ALWAYS be something, they will fight and fight and fight... About everything, it will never stop...

But let's say, for this instance, one of your children has been accused of theft, in the form of a siblings Easter egg.
Theft is not cool; you have a moral obligation to correct that behaviour, so you will begin with,

"Did you take your brothers Easter Egg?" When reasonable guilt has been established, you will continue with;
"Give it back"- Then
"Now" - followed by
"I'll give you till the count of three, to give your brother back his Easter egg" & finally
The count begins.
"One. Followed by... two..."

Hopefully, somewhere around two, your child will give their sibling back their Easter egg, by nicely handing it back, and they won't peg it at said siblings head and call them a selfish. 
Thus using the "Till the count of three" for them to reflect on their behaviour, and correct it.

Whether or not you get to three, is a bit, hit and miss. You will be confident of knowing whether or not your child is going to comply by the time you get to two however, and you had better know, that if you get to three, you have to get up and enforce whatever punishment you so graciously tried to help them avoid, before it was so ungratefully thrown back in your face, or pegged at their siblings head.

There are a great many other uses for "Till The Count Of Three" Technique.

You can use the count of three, to buy time to think of a punishment, or to collectively motivate a group of children, for example;
"If any of you are not in your school uniform by the time I get to three,"
OR and most commonly, you will use till the count of three, to avoid stopping what you are doing, or to avoid getting up off the lounge.

One day, you will so desperately not want to stop doing what you are doing, or to get up off the lounge, because you are watching the Game of thrones season two, again, in anticipation of season three, and.. John Snow, whilst trying to follow a crochet pattern.

However your child is past giving a flying about whether they exceed their count limit or not, such will be their Easter egg induced psychosis.
It is then my friends, that you will need fractions.

You need to learn fractions to buy yourself more time from when you begin giving your child till the count of three, and when you actually have to get up and enforce stuff, and as a result, you will not miss a minute of John Snow looking off moodily and determined into the distance.

While you might be tempted, to stretch the count out by using the following technique;

One, two... Two and a half, two and three quarters... Don't.
This is an amateur mistake.

You started at two and a half, cutting out half of the usable fractions that are available to you, straight up, and one day, it might make the difference between seeing John Snow's shower scene, or losing your crochet stitch count, etc., etc...Or not, SO!

I have compiled a list of more useable fractions between two and three, for your future reference, thus giving you more available options. Feel free to use all and any of these, depending on how much time you need.

2 and 1/12
2 and 1/6
2 and 1/4
2 and 1/3
2 and 5/12
2 and 1/2
2 and 7/12
2 and 2/3
2 and 3/4
2 and 5/6
2 and 11/12

Three. I can help you no more.

Best of luck.



Ash Kaye said...

Seriously laughing my head off. We have always counted to 5 in my house. Never fractions (hate them - even in baking). And with ages we are always just turned 5 or after 6 months we are almost 6. I have 5 kids - too much counting!

Ash Kaye said...

Seriously laughing my head off. We have always counted to 5 in my house. Never fractions (hate them - even in baking). And with ages we are always just turned 5 or after 6 months we are almost 6. I have 5 kids - too much counting!