Monday, December 23, 2013

Happy Festivus, an offensive rant.

Don't even ask about giving up smoking, I mean.. Its going OK.. But I have had a few sneakies due to 2012 being an asshole. I'm not back on track but I'm not far from it.  I don't want to talk about it OK?. leave it alone


Am I the only one that has noticed a huge grocery price increase this Christmas?!?

Honestly, eat a dick supermarket giants.. I think, if I squat and strain, I can squeeze out a final rant and offend a few more people before the year is out. you know, because its Christmas and all.

Before I do though, I wish all of my peeps who visit here a fucking fantastic Christmas and a prosperous and safe new year.
A huge Thank you to all y'all.

I will see you again early next year, when everything here will be new and different and frightening.

Em Xx

Ps: Excuse my language, but..

 Dear Supermarket Giants,

My Christmas shop, supplies for the Christmas period only, a total of three days, surpassed the sum of my regular fortnightly shop.

Fuck you so hard. Its Vulture like, and insulting.

Your specials this year on your fruit and veg were reasonable in the weeks leading up to Christmas, I would have bought all I needed then, if only your fruit and veg lasted more than three days before they grew enough bacteria to end disease.

It seems as soon as the shelf life of your produce entered the Christmas viability window, you jack up the prices. I mean, $8 for 5 lemons!? Fuck. you.

I noticed your very reasonable specials on shit like Jaime Oliver's fruit mince pies as I was paying $4 for the same custard I payed $2.30 for a few months ago.
Here's a hot tip, two days out from Christmas, nobody wants a special on Jaime Oliver's fruit mince pies, Ok?
Anyone who doesn't think fruit mince pies taste like a sasquatch's dick,  and actually give a fuck about whether or not their fruit mince pies are home brand, already made their own.

True story.

On topic, for the love of Adam Levine, stop making your overstock a pain in my asshole!!

 I shouldn't have to navigate that many side stacks and off locations of everything you didn't sell just to get around the store. Not to keep harping on about it, but ie; Jaime Oliver's fruit mince pies.
It's not Trolley gymkhana asshole, it's food shopping.

 I just paid 2 bucks to use a the trolley.. Which is REALLY rude, just saying. So rude that It gives me the shits, straight off the bat. I'm not even in your store yet and I already have rage.

Usually because it makes me have to touch more publicly used surfaces, I fucking hate having to touch publicly used surfaces.. Your anti bacteria wipes at the entrance don't exactly breed confidence, and why are they are always empty?
I also have excess anger because I usually cant find a gold coin, but you know what? Even when I can find a gold coin, I really don't feel like I should have to loan the trolley 2 bucks so that I can purchase more items from your store that I can safely carry to my car.
Seriously. REALLY?!?

Before you start, I know it's refundable, but not for me. I have to pay my kids the $2 refund to return the trolley for me because I am usually a mere c#nt hair away from a nervous breakdown by the time I get out to the car. 
Like today.

If I have to pay for the use of the trolley, I want a clear fucking isle, might wanna write that down.

My New Years resolution is to avoid using you, unless absolutely necessary.. Like if you ever have a great special on Corona, but I'll be fucked if I'm paying 8 bucks for lemons to go with it. 

Sincerely, happy fucking festivus.


No comments: