Monday, January 20, 2014

Researching the romance novel.


So the ‘scene’ is coming along, pardon the pun. I went down to the local OP shop on Friday and bought myself some romance novels, three for a dollar in the name of research.

I stood for a while at the romance section of the bookcase, and picked out a book at random.

The first book had a portrait of a man and a woman gazing at each other on the cover. The woman had a rather outdated hairstyle (No judgment, each to their own) and was wearing a sheer white gown that was blowing in some sort of breeze. The man had a handsome face, and also wore sheer white, in the form of a cotton shirt that looked like it had been ripped open at some point in a VB fuelled pub fight. The man’s shirt though, strangely enough, did not seem to be affected by any sort of breeze.
Intrigued, I read the back, the general gist of it was;

Woman is hopeless, with absolutely no prospects, self esteem or money. Woman meets a rich man whom she cannot stand because he treats her like dirt because he can’t stand her either. Woman decides to fall in love with man she can’t stand which begs the question, will they overcome their feelings of not being able to stand each other and be together forever!?!

I contemplated whether or not I cared and quickly decided that I didn’t. 
I also doubted that my question about the breeze only affecting her dress would be answered. So I decided that the breeze in her dress was probably a fart which explained her self esteem problem and put the book back.

I picked up another. This time I skipped the picture on the front and went straight to the back, which pretty much read;
Woman is very plain with mousey brown hair that wouldn’t hold a curl and she was so plain that she just lived in her plain apartment with her plain face and her plain life, eating plain rice until she met her landlord who couldn’t stand her and treated her like dirt, so she hated him back. Would they ever overcome their feelings of mutual distain so they could be together forever?!?

I flipped it over to see a portrait of a man and women staring lustfully at each other, the man wore a grey suit and the woman a formal gown. Her BLONDE CURLY HAIR shimmering in the moonlight... Well, I assumed if the book was going to blatantly lie to me about her plain brown hair being unable to hold a curl on the back, despite there being  very real evidence of a blonde woman with a vast amount of curls on the cover, then they could get rooted, and I  put it back.

I was already bored and slightly angry by this point, because I have a short attention span and I am easily angered. So I randomly picked three books, bought them, along with four bags of wool at $2 each and a crochet hook for $1 because the minimum eftpos was $10 and I had no change.

I brought the books home, made dinner, (Hotdogs with cheese in case you were curious) and put the children to bed before propping myself up with cushions on the lounge with my feet up while cabbage yelled sporting advice to sportsmen on the television, and chastised them when they didn’t listen, with no regard for the fact that could not actually hear him through the TV.

Tuning him out, I opened my book to begin chapter one. About five minutes in I was falling asleep and actually felt like I might actually be killing brain cells, so I skipped ahead a few pages, and gave it another five minutes before I almost died of bored, and flipped through every page until I found a sex scene.

I was alerted to the sex scene by the words “Throbbing pulse beat of hunger” I shit you not, and I decided to read from there.

I wasted my time. If cabbage tried to pull any of the shit this guy did, I would kick everybody in the dick and call the police.

Not disheartened, I began book two, only to find much of the same only this chick had a kid, and I thought... That’s not cool, you don’t bring kids into your fucked up romantic problems, and I moved onto book three, which  was equally sad only it contained pirates, which just made me want to burn things.

In summary, I wasted my dollar.

All is not lost though, because I definitely know the romantic scenes I DON’T want to write, but for the rest it seems… I am on my own. I also have more wool and a new crochet hook.


Happy Monday.

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17 comments:

Lisa Lintern said...

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Pirates? Another hilarious post...

mumabulous said...

I often experience the ":throbbing pulse beat of hunger", particularly after a rigorous gym session. A cheese toastie usually sorts it out.

river said...

"Throbbing pulse beat of hunger"??
That has to be the worst romance line ever.
I'm not a writer, except for the stuff on my blog, but even I know that's pretty cheesy, and I will never, ever use it in anything I might write one day.
On the other hand, your hot dogs with cheese sound pretty damn good.

Emmas Brain said...

Yep, I was like.. Throbbing, pulse and beat are the SAME THING!!!! but.. Each to their own. ;)

Emmas Brain said...

Hahahaha! Yep, throbbing pulse beat of hunger sounds like what happens AFTER I eat Maccas.

Emmas Brain said...

Pirates!!! No eye patches or parrots or anything. But they sailed a ship, robbing, looting and rooting. It was BAD.

artful dodger said...

Way to shit on single parents looking for a partner. God forbid you should ever be in that situation. Get over yourself because yes your shit does stink.

Emmas Brain said...

Thanks for the clicks Art. Although I don't agree with single parents being defecated on, I mean.. I would hate for anyone to take a dump on my mum, I do agree though that my shit does stink. Especially after I eat curry, or fish. Luckily for me though, I have Ambi-pur. So I don't smell any of that. Have a herpes free day, and thanks for stopping by!

Michael said...

"Throbbing pulse beat of hunger", I'm sold, where do I purchase this masterpiece.


loggerblog.wordpress.com

PinkNoam said...

Throbbing pulse beat of hunger.... Some b*stard is stealing my material!!
Is the book done yet? I've accidentally stumbled across your blog whilst searching for giggles =)

Emmas Brain said...

It isn't done yet.. I hate it right now, cant even look at it!! I hope I didn't disappoint with the giggle searching ;)

Emmas Brain said...

I got it at Vinnies, but I can send you my copy? ;)

Marcelo Silva said...

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Mahal Khattak said...

I love how you have such a fearless way of writing, like you don't give a rats-ass about anything, and that makes so many people laugh. It made me get over my crappy day. Thanks!

Pexu said...

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30 Something Blondes said...

LOVE ME SOME ROMANCE. (Kidding. Shoot me.) If you're up for a good time, have some drinks and do a dramatic reading in front of some friends. I did that with Twilight once, it's a great way to put a crappy book to good use.
Anyway - we just stumbled across your blog and loving it. Dry wit & sarcasm is a winning combo (at least we hope so.... it's the intended premise of our blog...)
www.30somethingblondes.com

jkederauthor said...

I just recently completed my first written sex scene. It was so tame I had to ask myself, "are they having sex or petting the cat?"