Tuesday, February 4, 2014

An insomnia inspired rant..

~The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem.

Occasionally, I get bouts of insomnia. Sometimes I am lucky and I have one or two sleepless nights before normal sleeping patterns resume. I am now on day four.
It’s not that I don’t sleep at all, it is just that it takes me a very long time to fall asleep, and then when I do, I feel like I sleep like a dog, with one ear constantly open. Like I don’t actually fall into a very deep sleep. I am resting, but constantly aware.
It sucks, But life sometimes sucks, so boo fuckity hoo.
Meanwhile, it puts me in a fantastic mood for a rant, so here we go.

You know what pisses me off?
The inundation of people telling me I can't do things. You know, ten things not to say, ten things to say, ten reasons to stop doing things, ten reasons to start doing things.. Everyone has a list, so here’s mine.

     1.    Stop telling me things that I am not allowed to say to people. Here’s an idea, stop writing lists of rules for conversation and start actually having a conversation. If someone says something that offends you, then tell them and tell them why. That’s how we learn.

     2.       Stop giving me ten reasons to lift weights with my vagina. No. Just, No.

 I knew a really nice guy that started lifting weights, he got into the roids, he then bit someone in a fight over Green Day lyrics. 
He now uses his large muscles to scrub graffiti off  motor way sound barriers and picks up Maacca’s cups with a prong on a stick. Stop putting pressure on my vagina to do things OK? It does enough.

     3.  While you’re at it, stop giving me ten reasons to smile. You know why I smile? Because it is better than being a miserable thunder C*nt, shut your smile hole.

    4.   Stop giving me ten reasons not to get married, What the fuck do you know.  I’LL DO WHAT I WANT. "If anyone has any reason this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace" *In pipes Siri. *In pipe the Homophobes.

     5.       Stop trying to tell me the top ten signs that my partner is cheating on me. There were just too many to link to, so just google it.
The fact that you are reading a list to find faults and suspicious activity in your spouse, means that yes.. Your partner probably is cheating on you, because let's be honest..fuck that.

     6.   Stop giving me ten things to do before  breakfast.
I have enough shit to do. Do you know what I do before breakfast? I wake up, I fart, I make a really strong coffee and I sit at the dining table dribbling till I drink it. That’s all I can manage OK? Stop trying to make me feel inferior.

    7.      Stop telling me what I can and can’t do on social Media. (Yes I get the irony, and no, I don't care) Here’s a hot tip.. and get in close because it’s a secret…
If you don’t like the subject matter of a particular social media feed, there is this magic and mysterious button that sometimes says UNFRIEND, Sometimes it says UNFOLLOW, sometimes it will prompt you again and say ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO UNFRIEND/UNFOLLOLW, sometimes.. In the mystical land of the page footer.. it simply says CLICK ON THIS LINK TO UNSUBSCRIBE.
You press it and all of your worries will disappear. True story *Old man wink.

   8.       Stop telling me ten things not to do during sex, Do you mind? Unless I am having sex with you, then it’s none of your business. You’re just jealous, and jealousy’s the curse that the struggle inspires my friend. Eat a dick. Nom Nom.

   9.      Similarly, stop telling me ten things I should never do ‘In bed’ It is just a polite way of saying the above, and if you are telling me what I can and can’t do with my genitalia.. We are already way past trying to be polite dude. Here’s what I try not to do in bed. Fall out, a wee and recently, my brain has been trying not to go to sleep. It’s more annoying than your list.

10.   Stop taking me so seriously, It was a joke.. Calm down. Do what you want, what do I care?

Linking for 30 days, with


Lisa Lintern said...

OH MY GAWD! I'M NOT SLEEPING EITHER!!!! I'm on day four too...and feeling freaking ranty and a tad skittish. Something must be in the air. I want people to stop telling me I shouldn't eat sugar. I'm off to stuff my face into the sugar bowl.

river said...

As rants go, this one is quite funny. Made me giggle at least. I like that unsubscribe button and I like the close button at the top right hand corner too, I use that a lot and clicking away to a new site is good too. There's no point at all in getting offended at someone else's point of view, just move on for heaven's sake.
This list things are usually a waste of my time.