It's Valentine’s Day. A whole day of defecating on love and turning it into a commercial grab.
Also, it's Friday, and with V day, spreading skiddies all over my favourite day of the week, and with so much love going around, I thought I could well afford to have a whinge. I declare today a time for venting, clearing the mind so that the weekend can begin free from frustration. Currently, the Mercury retro-fucking-grade is messing with my business, so this should be a corker.
This Friday's edition is a wholesome rant, inspired by my rage over stuff that other people do, that doesn't actually have anything to do with me, nor does it directly affect me in any way...You know, because this is the internet and I can.
This one is for fraudulent free thinkers and assorted other assholes.
It is titled...
Eat a tofu dick, the following people.
1. People whom continuously share inspiring Buddhist quotes, and then shit on those quotes by adapting them to whine about their privileged existence. It makes me want to burn shit.
~Holding on to anger, is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one that gets burned. -
-Buddha, dispeller of darkness-
~I learned that last quote in a special class that makes sure I don't key your car with your face when I see you do this-
-Emma, not a giver of fucks.
2. People who think you get to drive the Karma Kombi on the moral high road.
You don't get to drive. You also don't get to be a passenger if you're going to sit in the back like it’s a ticket-fucking-tape parade, smiling and waving when the Kombi finally mows down the people who did you wrong.
That's not Karma, that's revenge. I'm not saying revenge ain't sweet, I'm just saying stop calling it Karma. It makes you look like a Fuck Witt.
3. People who continuously make it their business to prove that they are smarter than someone else. They often say things like... "Read a book man" while they are reading a copy of 'eating Animals' by Jonathan Safran Foer while chewing the ass out of a salmon sushi roll.
I'm talking to you passive aggressive corrector-rino, the self-important guy, who sits around casting judgment on people who work at Macca's when you grab your latte and caramel slice from McCafe, because it's the only thing that's open at 3am when you stumble home from the rooftop terrace of the Ivy, after a hard night of lecturing people on where they went wrong, as you check your Facebook insights, just so you can have a small pre ejaculation in your pants over how many people saw you check in there. There are all different kinds of smart. If you haven't figured this out by now, then you are dumber than you think.
4. The people who chuck the 5c change they get from eighty bucks, into the charity tin after they pay $79.95 for a T shirt with holes in it, and a slogan that contains the word 'vintage' usually purchased from general pants.
Firstly, I'll tell you a secret.... Shit that is actually vintage doesn't have the word 'vintage' printed on it, on account that It didn't actually know it was going to be vintage when it was made.
Secondly fuck you, and thirdly, to be totally honest, I give around five eights of my last bowel movement about what you wear... Truth be told sunshine, no one gives much of a fuck what you wear except you, and clearly you should. Especially if you are paying $79.95 for a T-shirt, just to look like you give a shit about wasting stuff.
5. People who refuse to watch the Simpsons, because it is just not 'Obscure' enough to be cool.
My bet is that you are the same type of person that likes a band till they become mainstream and claim that the artist, or music changes.
Guess what?!? The Artist and music becomes successful, that's what changes. you should try being a little more successful, then you might not feel the need to begrudge an artist for playing to more people than you and your seven friends who sit around sipping Pabst blue, looking sad because someone on Squidoo posted that Nina Simone actually made 'Be my husband' before Damian Rice played it over the top of impressive acrobatic type bongo's, making at least seventeen of your tweets redundant.
If you don't have a Simpson's quote for every one of life's moment. You are doing it wrong.
There are always three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
If you don't understand any of this, we can never be friends.
I think that's it... NO WAIT!!
Nup.. That’s it.
Have a fabulous weekend. Xx
PS; If you actually know me, and have done any of the above, this post is in no way directed at you in ANY WAY.
In summary; it’s a joke. Not everything is about you... and Calm down. I love you all.