Friday, March 7, 2014

Choose your own adventure, Please?

Remember choose your own adventure books? You would get to the end of the chapter and then they would ask something like, 'If you would like to go through the door, skip to page 35... If you would like to turn back and get help first, turn to page 18'?

I am going to share something with you today. This is a segment of the book. GASP!! "Wont somebody think of the need for things to remain unpublished!!"

 It was originally part of chapter two, but it was taken out because  CONTROVERSIAL, and controversial has no place so early in a light read kind of book. It has since been added back in, but there are thoughts of taking it back out again. 

I figure that you guys are the ones that have to read it. Well you don't HAVE to.. but it would be nice, and seeing as you guys are the reason that I am writing it in the first place, I want you to decide. DEAR MOTHER OF ADAM LEVINE HELP ME DECIDE!!

This is part of a scene in which our main character 'Anna' has been forced to move back in with her mum and it is bringing feelings of failure, which in turn make her long for her ex boyfriend who is the reason she doesn't have a job anymore and has to live with her mum..For the love of all things good, DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT PEOPLE!! 

This entire scene is based on an actual conversation I had with my mum, because this book is passive aggressive.. I mean thinly veiled fiction and for that reason, it doesn't seem all that controversial to me, but I am a weirdo remember? So WHO KNOWS!?

Anyway, this is it. (Please be kind.) Leave it or turf it?

My phone buzzed angrily on the side table just as my mother walked into the room, or more accurately, paraded into the room. 
My mother always paraded. Her head held high with perfect posture, one hand held in the air, palm about her shoulder as though she was carrying an invisible serving tray. An unlit cigarette perched between her fingers.

Mum was wearing her signature soft cotton pants, these were a light grey bar a thin  paisley pattern of dark blue. The loose cotton flowed around her as she walked adding to the drama.

“What’s that? Mum asked, “Your phone” she answered herself, mindlessly twisting the unlit cigarette between her fingers.

I learned very early on that when my mother asked you a question, she didn’t actually want you to answer, she wanted to hear herself answer her question in a tone of disappointment.

“It’s not that Timothy is it?” She continued “As useless as your father he was, don’t tell me you’re still talking to him Anna, I told you, no good would come from trying to be friends again, it’s just not natural, put him in the too hard basket where he belongs and move on.”

My mother always referred to anyone whom disappointed her as ‘That’.
‘That’ bird your father was seeing, ‘That’ piece at the post office,’ That’ Timothy, and the list of people whom disappointed my mother was a long one.

Mum sat down cross legged on the bed, and shuffled herself into a comfortable position leaning back on the crisp white pillows. A clear indication that the conversation she was currently having with herself was not over. She uncrossed her legs, and began picking the stray hairs off her pug Walter from the paisley print pants with her finger tips.

I wrapped the sleeve of my shirt around my index finger and wiped the tear that threatened to spill onto my cheek with it, a futile attempt to avoid the mascara from running into my eyes.

“You crying love?” My mother asked, her tone gentle, but still with a need to answer her own questions, continued;
 “Hope you’re not crying about that Tim, he’s not worth your tears, that’s for sure, self important bantam rooster he was, getting around with his chest puffed out  all the time, like he was king of his own cock house”  

With that, Mum made a tutting sound from between her teeth and rolled her eyes at the outrageous memory of him, I said nothing so she went on.

“I went out with a Tim you know once, before your father of course, fabulous dancer he was, beautiful eyes" My mother smiled fondly at the memory of him, "Oh and he had a fabulous smile" She added before her smile promptly disappeared "Drank too much though, could never get it up” She said matter of factly.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my sleeved finger and tensed in anticipation of what my mother would say next.

“Didn’t stop him trying though, poor bastard. Eventually it just all got a bit much you know? He tried and tried.. Gah!
One day Anna, I just had to say to him… Tim I said, I don’t know what you want me to do with it sweet heart, fold it in?” 

I couldn’t hold it in any longer and a laugh escaped my mouth. I looked up warily at my mother, sitting on my bed picking pug hair off her pants and I had to ask.

“What did he say?”

“Oh nothing” Mum said. “ Just looked at me all shocked, you know how they do, like you’re telling them something they don’t know” She rolled her eyes dramatically again before continuing.
“But most importantly Anna, I never saw him again. That’s how you do it my dear, you have to be brutally honest, now, most men can’t handle that kind of thing, but the ones that can, they are the keepers.
A few days later I heard that he had told a mutual friend that we had stopped seeing each other because I was a crazy bitch, but that was just his ego talking dear, so I sent him a card a few days later and I wrote in it...

No hard feelings, OK? Kiss, Kiss” 
My mother said this as she drew X’s in the air with her unlit cigarette and smiled as sweetly as my mothers stern face would allow.

I choked on a laugh, as my mum gave one loud, sharp “HA!” and  slapped the palm of her hand on the tops of her cotton pants, signaling that the conversation was over and her pants were now pug hair free. 

So there you have it... Making light of erectile dysfunction, too controversial for chapter two? Leave it or turf it?
Happy Friday xx


bigwords said...

I LOVE this. Love it x

Donna Harrison said...

lol.... hope 'Tim' doesn't read this... yer Mum ♥ kiss kiss ......

bodyandfeetretreat said...

I think you should leave it in !

Critic said...

This paragraph makes no sense “It’s not that Timothy is it?” She continued “As useless as your father he was, don’t tell me you’re still talking to him Anna, I told you, no good would come from trying to be friends again, it’s just not natural, put him in the too hard basket where he belongs and move on.” why is the father mentioned? "As useless as your father he was" he was what? Also, were they not in the kitchen or somewhere else regarding your reference to the side table then suddenly they are in the mothers bedroom? Also 'bar one' should be changed to 'except for'. You've been going on and on about sex scenes and you are worried about mentioning impotence? And if you take offence to my criticism of what you've written (which upon perusing your blog it is quite clear you can dish it but can't take it) you shouldn't have asked for anyone's opinion and gone with your gut feeling about whether or not to include it.