Monday, March 31, 2014

You can do anything, not everything and now I have no armpit. Let that be a lesson to you.

So I have been MIA because I have been sick. I will briefly fill you in, and by fill you in, I mean grossly overshare in between bouts of inconsolable whining.

It all started a few months ago, when I gave myself a nasty shaving cut under my arm. To be perfectly honest, I am a lazy shaver, and tend to do so only when I have an important event that requires me to show off a bit of leg, wear a swimsuit or raise my arms in public.

Yes my friends, Cabbage is a lucky man.

Anyways, this shaving cut was followed by a heatwave, and due to that heatwave and me sweating like a whore in church, it became a little irritated. After much pain and whining, I saw my doctor, took some antibiotics and the cut healed and cleared up to a small painless lump that in hindsight, I probably should have gone back to the doctor about, but as I said, it was pain free, and time poor and shit.

A couple of weeks ago, the lump began to pain me a little, it was a bit irritated but I had kids coming for sleep overs, deadlines and a few important social events on the hip hop calendar.

Health?!  Aint no one got time for dat.

So, like a dick, I left it until last Friday when I began to feel a little unwell. Mild temperatures, general tiredness, headache, that kind of thing, I vowed to visit the doctor the following day, which was fine, until I remembered that we had school chums visiting for a day of mine crafting, housework, editing and fuck sitting in a doctors waiting room on a Saturday with jerks coughing and sneezing all over the shop.

 I always have to resist the urge to cover my mouth or wear a Michael Jackson like surgical mask in the doctors waiting room. It is like I imagine every bacterial ridden droplet, gliding through the air to land on my exposed soft mucous membrane surfaces. PROPER COUGH AND SNEEZE ETTIQUITE ARSEHOLES!  HOW HARD IS IT?!

Meanwhile, by Saturday evening, about 10pm, I was feeling pretty ill, like ILL, ill.

My upper arm or guns had swollen slightly, to the point that it resembled my upper thigh. An awful red rash had spread to my elbow and chest, so I called one of my besties, (We will call her Babss) asked if she would kindly come over, assess whether I was suffering from hypochondria or not, and if not, would she please take me to the hospital. Lucky for me, she called over, took one look at me and declared that we were to go to hospital immediately.

Babs and I then spent the entire night, laughing at each other in between bags of IV antibiotics, and holding in our farts until no one was in the room. It was a jovial affair, and I imagined that I would owe Babs a drink or two, and we would be driving home after a few bags of IV antibiotics to resume editing, cleaning, talking to the cats as though they may talk back and many other of my general daily sundries.

NO. Do you know what happens when you insist on not eating properly, being continuously run off your feet and a perpetual people pleaser?! You get sick my friends, sick. As. A. Dog. Infections set in and take over, and you have little reserves to fight them.

By Sunday evening,  I was still in the hospital, and I was feeling increasingly more unwell. All the jovial in the land had contracted herpes and died.

At one point, I found myself unable to recall my own middle name. This is not a pleasant experience, but a few hours later, I woke in recovery, minus an armpit and a cavity missing from my chest wall.

Wax ladies... For the love of LEVINE! WAX, REST, EAT PROPERLY AND WAX!!

All together... "Thank-you- Nad's"

Meanwhile, I am home, my kidneys and liver are resuming their regular programing, and other than the fact that I have two open wounds that require painful redressings, and I am a lovely shade of yellow, I am recovering like a champion in between naps, fluids and laying on the lounge watching Judge Judy while I crochet things.

I have learned that whilst I am capable of doing absolutely anything I want to do, I am not capable of doing EVERYTHING. There is a difference, and whilst it is important to look after the health and wellbeing of all those in your family, it is also important to look after you, and so begins the next few weeks of prioritising, dropping a few things off the to do list, eating properly and regularly, resting and taking the time to care for my health, because if you dont, your body will make you. She is a bitch like that.

Rest up peeps, eat an apple.



Janine said...

Oh Sweets! Hope you a feeling better & nagging the shit out of your gorgeous family! Rest up,take it easy & enjoy all the trash television...:)

Donna Harrison said...

♥ ♥

river said...

I'll never understand why people ignore stuff and soldier on until they're half dead. I'm a quickfix kinda person. Wrung out? Go to bed. Got a cut/scrape/scratch? Disinfect the heck out of it 2-3 times a day and keep it dry. Eat regular meals that AREN'T a glass of white and a timtam.
Rest and eat an apple is good advice and I shall now do just that after being at Tai Chi all morning.

mrsdesperate said...

Gosh that's scary. Take care of yourself!

Pinky Poinker said...

Ouch! Poor darling!

Trish said...

No more blazing a razorblade trail through that forest dear Emma. I feel for you. Healing and happiness to you.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

'and holding in our farts until no one was in the room'
this is the sort of friend you need when you are dying, or about to have your armpit removed.



Cara McKee said...

Yikes! Glad you're on the mend. Poor you.