Monday, May 26, 2014

Romance is dead.


I went out on Saturday night. I know, STOP. THE PRESS!!  I did, I went out. It was an impromptu decision when my mate ‘The Bab’s’ texted me to say that she got roped into being the designated driver for her sister, she was at The George and I just had to come out.

The children were already in bed, and I had been sitting on the couch with Cabbage.
He was watching some sort of basketball something, eating corn chips loudly, and breaking into bouts of sudden obnoxious laughter.

It’s best for the longevity of our relationship that I don’t spend too much time watching cabbage eat things, or see him laughing after he has been eating corn chips, and truth be told, all I had planned for the evening was designing our house renovation using The Sims.
Sad right? So I told the Bab’s to give me 20 minutes to get ready first, because I hadn’t brushed my hair since Thursday.

I both washed and brushed my hair, slapped on a bit of a face and hit the local township.

Have you ever been to The George IV Inn at Picton? It’s a colonial pub that used to be a microbrewery, but they no longer brew their own beer there, there was a docco about it.

Recently though, new management has seen this place undergo quite the transformation, and it has become a bit of a hub for live music.
I like live music.

SO anyway, I was standing around, chatting to people and enjoying the band of the evening, when this guy comes out of nowhere and starts dancing the way some men do, when they have had far too much to drink, far too much confidence, and very little shame. 

I am familiar with all of these things, but this guy was all in my face, waving his hands around as though he had imaginary glow sticks in them, pelvic thrusting and grabbing at his own chest while he made dance faces of concentration… It was uncomfortable to watch, so I turned away slightly to continue my conversation without this guy in my direct line of sight only to have him follow.

He was now, dancing and making the kind of suggestive eyebrows that would put the Netherlands Eurovision contestants to shame.

When exactly did flicking your eyebrows around become part of the human mating ritual? When was this decided?

Were two cavemen sitting around when one caveman turned to his mate and said, “Hey that chick over there is a bit of all right, how am I going to let her know I’m interested?” And his mate said, “Just flick your eyebrows up and down on your face a bit while you look at her, that’ll do it”


Now, you guys know that I have a very short temper and little reserves or tolerance for bull shit, I mean I had already seen cabbage eat cornchips that evening which is about all the disgusting I could handle for one evening, but because I am trying to make a bigger effort to appear less of an unapproachable bitch, I didn’t tell him to fuck off, I just turned completely away from him and continued my conversation.

Not two fucking minutes later, I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Tap, tap, whose there? Yep, it was suggestive eyebrows guy…

“Heyyyyyyyy” he said when I turned. “Hey.... You.” Was all I said, because dude... 

“Wanna Fuck?” was his next question. Just like that. Just straight out with it, bit of an eye brow bop and BAM!! “Wanna fuck?”

My friends at this point erupted in laughter, because they know me.  O_O 

His friend observing the reaction of my pals, wisely stopped smirking, kept a respectful distance and averted eye contact with everyone.

“No” I answered him, and I fixed an unattractive look of both disgust and contempt on my face and turned away.

“Wait” He persisted “I’m good looking aren’t I?”


It was at this point I had reached the end of my bullshit tolerance. I am not a fucking saint and so I replied

“There is only room for one massive, egotistical, needy asshole in my pants sweet heart, and it’s mine, so why don’t you have another drink, go borrow a bit of class from your mate over there, and Fuck Off”

Yes I told someone to have a bit of class, and then followed it up with “Fuck off”. O_O

Get this! The dude just shrugged his shoulders planted a quick fire peck on my cheek and eyebrow bogeyed on away...

Just like that. 

*Boing, boing, suggestive eyebrow, 
“Wanna fuck?” 
“Ummm NO” 
“Okie dokey, *mwah.. See ya later”

Firstly OK, uninvited and sudden acts of affection in my general direction such as a peck on the cheek from a stranger are usually a one way ticket to kick in the dick town, but I was shocked!! Shocked AND appalled. He caught me off guard.

WHO DOES THIS?!? Are any of you out there doing this?!? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!? Explain it to me?!

Is romance that dead? Is this what my daughter has to look forward to? I wonder if that had EVER worked for him?

I have so many questions!

There are times that I have wished there was less rigmarole in social interaction, I mean, I am from the just say what you mean variety, but not THAT kind of just say what you mean variety...

Meanwhile, I am now revising my decision to appear more approachable. I think I was happier with my bitchy resting face and less random social interaction. 

Here, enjoy some suggestive eyebrow and have yourself a very Happy Monday.



mumabulous said...

You must be hawt! This shite never happens to me. NEVER.

Emmas Brain said...

I was thinking that it may have something do do with me looking like a classless whore and therefore, I might say yes. I like your theory better. Xx

Kellie Anderson said...

haha ohh hun, I come from a country town and yes, I have heard that a few times. Classy as in the country. Best lines I've heard: "Is that a ladder in your stocking or a stairway to heaven?" and the best one "Do you fuck as well as you dance cos you're a good dancer, hey."
All the hot chicks get these type of pick up lines, don't you know? ;)

Emmas Brain said...

I'd try and pick you up too, but I'd be classy about it, like, 'is that a mirror in your pocket? Caus I can see myself in your pants' *sugestive eyebrow. Xx

Kellie Anderson said...

Oh that would totes get me there! It's ALL in the suggestive eyebrow ;) xx

Zoey Martin said...

Horrifying. This is why our TV room is separate to the lounge room so I don't have to hear my husband eating.

Emmas Brain said...

Ha! I need to include this seperate lounge and TV room in the house renovation plans. X

river said...

Gosh I'm glad I don't go to pubs, I don't think I'd have handled that nearly as well as you. Probably would have spoiled his fun by asking him to move on at the first eyebrow wiggle. Or run for the hills....which is more my style.

TeganMC said...

I went on a girls weekend last weekend and the pick up lines were out in force! One guy approached us and said that he was the boss of a guy on the dance floor and he needed a good fucking. Said guy was in the middle of the dance floor gyrating against another guy. Isn't he gay we asked. Oh yeh he likes the dick..but he likes pussy too...totes classy!

Emmas Brain said...

I SHOULD have told him at the first eyebrow wiggle, running for the hills was also a viable option. I can't believe the HIDE of him!? Xx

Emmas Brain said...

HAHAHAHA! NO WAY!! Nice job though, when your boss will pick up for you, but FFS!! What happened to, can I buy you a drink? What's your sign? ANYTHING but that!