How are you? Good thanks.
I had my first day of Uni yesterday, I didn’t tell many people that I had applied in case I didn’t get in, because I have a profound fear of public rejection. I had this whole argument with myself that went like; “Just tell people you applied, and then if you don’t get in, just tell people you DIDN’T GET IN?! How hard is it?!?
I told a few people, my nearest and dearest, and one of my mates wrote me the nicest fucking referral letter, and it made me cry because he wrote the nicest stuff about me in there.
I had this moment, I am evolving. I think I am turning into a crier. It’s OK but, because crying is healthier than kicking.
So much winning.
Anyway, turns out I got in and yesterday was orientation. I can tell you that I am going to need some serious orientating around this place because it is fucking huge. It took me 20 minutes to gather the courage to explore for a place that sold coffee. I eventually found one and bought a sandwich.
I am trying to soak it all in though, while it is all still new, and big and intimidating and exciting, because I know it won’t take long and it will feel a hundred times smaller than it does now, once the stress and commitment sets in, when it will all feel familiar and I will know all the buildings and where the paths that lead to places to buy coffee.
They also have seeds that look like sperm everywhere.
There are so many birds there. Colourful birds, boring brown birds, birds that I don’t even know the name of.
I was sitting around in the café bit, eating my sandwich when a magpie walked in.
He walked in with this angry and purposeful expression on his face. I watched him strut up to the ‘Caution, wet floor sign’ He stared at, and looked like he was reading it intently and impatiently, all angry eyebrows.
He cocked his head to one side, looked at me accusingly, straight in the face, gave me a stink eye and strutted back on out again.
I was all like “Dude! I didn’t wet the floor OK?! Calm down!” then I reminded myself that talking to myself and or the wildlife was probably not a fantastic way to make friends.
After my sambo, I enrolled and got my picture taken for the student ID card. It turned out worse than my licence photo, who knew that was even possible? I stared at it for a while like, I DON”T FUCKING LOOK LIKE THAT, DO I?!”
If you see me in the street, ask to see it, you will laugh.
Meanwhile, Like the impossible try hard that I am, I tried REALLY hard to be confident and excited when I approached the front reception, but the first words out of my mouth were “I am not exactly sure if I am in the right place, but…” and it was a fucking LIE, because I did know that I was in the right place, and my voice sounded weak and I wanted to punch myself in the fucking face.
In the hour or so between enrolment and orientation I did this whole psychological confidence building thing, where I revisit a time when I felt fantastic, and confident and completely in my own element.
There was this one time, I was sat on a table next to Joel Madden at a launch party, and I started up a conversation and he poured me a drink, and laughed at my stories and told me that I was hilarious, and inside I was all like AAHHH- MAH -GAHHHHD -GOOOD- FUCKING-CHARRLOOOTTTEEE!!!, but outside, I had my shit together, like I belonged there. I felt like I had made it as a blogger for the first time ever.
Now before you start, Yes, I do know exactly how narcissistic that sounds, but listen, the point is that I was so confident right in that moment, That moment was really no different to any other moment in my life, not really. I just perceived it to be. It was still my confidence at the root of it.. (Heh, root) I was capable of that level of confidence then, I was capable of it any time yeah?
So I re read my referral letter spent 40 minutes walking up and down paths that I didn’t know pretending that Joel Madden was walking next to me, telling me that I was hilarious, and I know that isn’t exactly something that a ‘stable’ person does, but whatever. I never pretended I was normal and I don’t care because it WORKED, because people actually looked up from their phones and smiled at me, and I walked for forty minutes down pathways that I didn’t know, without caring where they led or whether I would find my way back to the building I needed to be at in time.
It was all very symbolic and shit, because I guess that the next few years now are going to be spent waling down meta-fucking-phorical paths, even though I don’t know where they will lead me, because that’s why I applied in the first place.
So that's pretty much all I have to say about that so far.
Did you go to uni? Did you love-et? Please tell me you loved it...