Tuesday, August 26, 2014

How not to do book parade bribery.

Hey hey!

It's book parade time parents, time to bend over and have a department store pluck at least fifty bucks from your rectal area so that your kid can go to school in a costume that is more likely from a Disney movie than from an actual book, and you will argue with your child that they are required to dress as a book character, and after about fifteen minutes of standing in the dress up isle, a small part of you will die, you will convince yourself that Disney princess colouring books are technically books, you will give in so that you can get the fuck out of the department store and you will be on your merry way.

Or if you are me, you won't, because you left it till the last minute again and all of the GREEN Anna from frozen dresses are gone, and your kid absolutely has to have a GREEN one, and you already promised her she could have one because she slept in her own bed for a week straight.

I'll tell you something... I would do almost anyone, or anything for a good nights sleep. A friend asked me if I'd do Tony Abbott for a nights sleep uninterrupted by small flailing limbs to the face, and I fucking paused, I actually considered it.

Ultimately though, my answer was no, I wouldn't root Tony Abbott, even with someone else's fanny, ever. Never have I been more disgusted at a single person in my life as I have at Mr Abbott. In more desperate times, like the time I actually went two and a half weeks averaging three to four hours sleep per night because the middle kid had night terrors and the youngest kid insisted on stepping on my ribs every night at 2am to gain access to our bed.. no. Actually never.
Gag, cough, heave, dry wretch, gather myself, sip some water..
Anyway, that's not important, what is important is that I should probably get some new friends, or at the very least, some better conversation topics, Oh, and the book parade...

So, back to the book parade and less vomit inducing mental imagery, I had two days to find or make a green Anna dress, or risk being the parent that makes a false promise and risks having a kid that never believed anything I said ever again, and consequently would have her back in our bed for the 2am stepping on of my ribs till she moves out of home, I decided to drive around a few more department stores, before I came home empty handed, and cried as I dragged the sewing machine out from under my bed.

Hence, I present to you...

Do you want to make a green Anna Dress?

(This project was a five on the Martha scale.)

1.    Gather your supplies. (If you are smart, you will call into Spotlight or similar and grab some material first, but if you are me, you will have a massive tantrum at the lack of parking, drive home and dig around in the linen cupboard till you find appropriate material to use) Cut it out in the rough shape of what you want to make.

2.    Don't use a pattern, or pins, because you can't find any pins and pattern... Ain't no one got time for that.

3.    Don't think about the fact that you are cutting up a bedspread you paid $100 for, on special at bed bath and table a few seasons ago, and console yourself with the fact that you will now need to buy a new bedspread.

4.    Let it go, let it GO!

5.    Plug your iPod in to get that fucking song out of your head. I recommend Walking under stars by Hilltophoods. Its good. It's very good.

6.    Drag out your sewing machine, start sewing and have a cry, tell the cat to fuck off in anger, and then cry again because you can't figure out what the assbag is wrong with the sewing machine.

7.    Realise there is no thread in the bobbin, and consult your sewing machine manual to remember how to rectify this.

8.    Glare at the smug looking bitch on the manual cover.

9.    Finally figure it out and sew.

10. Break several sewing machine needles, because you really don't know how to use this fucking thing. spend a few moments asking yourself what that stain is on the table cloth....

11. Add some crochet embroidery

12. Pray that your dodgy sewing skills hold for at least the duration of the book parade.

13. Pack a change of clothes just in case, it doesn't.

And there you have it.

Do you want to build a green Anna dress?
I can safely say that I did not, and yet I did, because I am a promise keeper like that.

PS; Sending all the best to my blog peeps attending and presenting at Pro Blogger this weekend, Thinking of you guys, have a drink for me xx


toushkalee said...

What a superstar! Here I was bitching and moaning because I had to hand stitch some letters onto a black t-shirt.

mumabulous said...

I guess Joe Hockey's out of the question then. What is this new fangled piece of equipment you call a sewing machine?

Lisa Lintern said...

"I wouldn't root Tony Abbott, even with someone else's fanny, ever." The funniest line i have ever read on the internet...EVER!

Peace Junior said...

So cute. Love the dress