Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I did my own head in.

So, my last post was a bit heavy yeah? Everyone was like, woah… This place is supposed to be funny, but whatever. I stand by it.

Meanwhile, I survived the school holidays.

I am usually one of those disgusting people that enjoy the school holidays. You don’t have to hunt for socks, or make sure anyone’s shirt is neatly pressed. By that of course, I mean that I don’t have to throw anyone’s shirt in the dryer to get the big creases out, because I don’t iron. I mean, I have an iron.. It’s somewhere.

 I bought my daughter a Barbie laundry set once for her dolls house, It had a washing machine, a little plastic laundry detergent bottle, it came with an iron.
A few weeks later, we were in Big W, when we passed a display of irons and various ironing paraphernalia. My daughter happily pointed it out to me and said “Look! My Barbie has one of those!” It was then I realised that she had never seen me iron, because fuck ironing.

This isn’t really important, point is, I survived these school holidays and I came out the other side of them feeling a little like this.

It was not the fault of my children that I felt I barely survived these last school holidays, however the dobbing and not sleeping and Frozen songs did wear thin, but the first week of the school holidays was crammed full of final university exams. By crammed, I mean there were two.

Those two exams however, did my head in. That is to say, that I think I actually broke my brain.

I stressed so much about that first exam, and those who know me well will know that I am not a stresser, like, ever. I don’t see the point of getting worked up about things in which I have no control, I am however, a pretty mean control freak, so for those things in which I can control, I grip on tightly with both hands and I don’t let go until it does my bidding.

I felt somehow that these exams were something I could control, like it was some sort of learning Olympics. It was a chance for me to take every half assed effort I ever made in any exam prior to this these and turn it all around.

My first exam, took two hours, and consisted of short answer questions on various Australian history type things, an essay on an Australian political cartoon analysis and another essay on the significance of the Cronulla riots to Australian national identity. (I just can’t stop writing that word...).  I walked out of that exam and dead set, I could barely remember my own name such was the mental strain I put myself through preparing for it.

I looked around me, people everywhere looked the same as I did, walking around stunned and dazed like we had just witnessed something horrific of which we could not mentally process.

I drove home, and I began to study for the next exam, a maths exam no less.

I couldn’t take it in.. It was like my memory was full of all this information I would never need again, and I physically could not absorb any more.

So I gave it a rest, and the next day, I tried again with the same result.
I gripped on to that maths exam preparation with both hands, and I squeezed it into doing my bidding only it WOULDN’T BID!! I tried everything, I took another break, I went through the practice exam for the fucktousanth time and still, nothing felt like it took. For the record, fucktousanth is a legitimate measurement and an accurate reflection of my overall maths ability.
Then, something magical happened…

I just stopped.  It was like I had reached my limit of information absorption, willingness to control something that would not be controlled as well as shits to give about this maths exam.

What I looked like, If I was wearing a Batman suit.

I went in to the exam, still dazed, I sat down and just did it. I did OK, I felt confident enough that I was doing OK until I got to the last page, and honestly did not understand a word printed on the paper.

The instructions specifically noted that you must attempt EVERY question, so I read it again and still didn’t understand it. So I simply wrote..

“I’m terribly sorry, but I have no idea”.

I closed the paper, put my hand up to have my paper collected and I left.

The rest of the school holidays consisted of me walking around dazed, trying to comprehend the most basic of things and trying to string sentences together. I got the most practice in using the following sentences;

‘Get down from there’ 
‘Keep your hands to yourself’  
‘Not with your room looking like that you’re not’ and 
‘Bounce that ball in the house one more time, I dare you’.

So today I really feel like, that for the first time ever, I am crawling out the other side of the school holidays, in dire need of some peace and quiet, with no one demanding anything of me, no noise, no dobbing, no fucking songs from the frozen soundtrack.

How’s the serenity.

No comments: