Friday, November 28, 2014

Dear digital marketing department, let's talk about 'Our relationship'



So I have a bit of a prickle in the crotchal area of my undies over something today. Actually, it’s not just today, it is pretty much every day, and is happening on a more and more frequently to the point that it filled the bank of acrimony in my brain, and I need that space.
I need it for all of the resentment I have for unfair distribution of domestic duties.

So, today I am going to empty that bank of acrimony, with a giant crap sand-wizzle, oh…and you might want to stand back a bit, because it has been a while.



Dear Brand, Blogger outreach persons, PR/ Digital Marketing Department.

We need to talk about 'our relationship'.

I know enough to know that you don’t mean to insult me on a daily basis. I mean, it is not intentional that you seem to devalue the work I do or disrespect the art, or to come across as impertinent and expect me to do a favour for you in return. I get that. That would be of no benefit to you, or to me or to the brand that you are trying your best to do the right thing by.

I want to tell you however, that despite your best intentions, you are insulting, and devaluing and treating what it is that bloggers do like a big unimportant joke on a daily basis. I will take a moment to tell you how, because I am a sharing and helpful.

When I receive a pitch that contains any of the following sentences;

  • Dear busy mum of three’


  • ‘We here at Insert company name here, do not pay bloggers, we would instead prefer to work on a mutually beneficial, and genuine sharing relationship’


  • 'According to our brand mission, we never pay for blog content, as it is far more authentic and genuine if the content is unpaid'


  • ‘Whilst there is no budget for digital advertising at this time, we are happy to share your work across our social media channels, and pay you in a boost to your profile!’ please see below a list of all our recent media”



NO! JUST DON'T!! FOR THE SWEET, SWEET LOVE OF CHANNING TATUM, STOP!! 

Did you know this is what I read when you write that?


Hi, woman who has had children and therefore is of lesser value, and therefore, I don't need to remember your name,


What I need from you, is to do my work for free. I want you to spend hours doing what it is you do best, and further time putting that work into a visually appealing format to publish, and then work on the best search optimisation strategies that you have invested hours in trying to learn. Did I mention that I will need you to do it for nothing?

Don’t be alarmed though, because we will however tell our friends that you did the work for me.
I mean, I don't actually have all that many friends yet, which is why I am emailing and asking you to work with you.

It might not be the payment that everyone else in the first world expects to be paid for doing their job, but hey! Something is better than nothing right?
Think about it, and while you do, please take a look below at all of the blinking media outlet buttons that we value enough to pay to advertise with. 

That is how much of an advertising budget we have, and although none of it will go to you, we have paid for a sh*t load of other advertising, so when that exposure pays off, we can pass some of it on to you in the form of posting the work you did for us for free, on our brands Facebook page.

By the way, I got a plumber out the other day, I told him that I couldn’t pay him for his services and trade, but I would tell my friends about it! Oh man… He laughed so hard, and then he drove away… That reminds me… He hasn’t called me back to make a time, I wonder why?... Anyway, that is beside the point.

The point is that in all honesty, if I pay you to do this work, it will appear less genuine. What I need is a true endorsement.

I want you to put your name to our brand, and in return, we will tweet the work you did for us! Please make sure that you also tweet it though, because you have more followers than we do, and this is how a mutually beneficial, sharing type relationship works.

It might seem like it's unfair, but it's not really. Think about it...If we don’t pay you, we don’t have to worry ourselves with things like ‘disclosure’ or ‘no follow links’ or anything else that you do that makes you credible. 

Those things are a pain in the bum for me, because I want the sizeable community and readership that you have spent hours building a trusting relationship with to think that you just posted the content about our brand out of the goodness of your heart, because you love it so much. 

Also, just quietly... No follow links are not really beneficial to me and no one really needs THAT kind of google penalisation am I right? HAHAHAA *Rolls eyes in googles general direction. 

So! let’s just avoid the whole mess by exchanging no payment for your service and leave it at that.


I know what you are thinking right? Oh GOODY! All of this work I now get to do for free! But wait.. Think about the boost to your poor little pitiful blogger profile!? 
We all know bloggers are nobody until a major brand shares their work on a Facebook page.

So how about it? Can you please send through your best postal address and pant size, so that I can get a pair of gorgeous seatless chaps. You can wear them while we bend you over and whisper in your ear.. “Shhhhh, just let it happen”. We will stroke your hair while we are doing that, and remind you that you are a more important blogger than anyone else, because you worked with brands.

I promiseit won’t even be weird, because we will be a partnership! A TEAM! A mutually beneficial, and genuine, sharing type relationship, and that’s not a weird thing for people in a relationship to do, its natural.. It’s organic, just go with it.

Anyway, you have a think about that there, and get back to me at your earliest convenience, and by that I mean tomorrow. Don’t worry though, because if I don’t hear from you, I will email you exactly twenty nine times to see if you got this.

In the meantime, you have yourself a great little, internet person, blogging type weekend,  you busy mum of three you!


Digital marketing departments, PLEASE! Ask yourself, are you doing this?
This is why we reply that we are just far too busy mum of three to help you out.

To those that get it and are doing it right, of which there are many! I take my hat off to you guys today, *Fistbump, *High five. You know who you are, because we have mutually beneficial , digital marketing relationship.

Cheers!

Happy Friday!

Em xx

5 comments:

MadamBipolar said...

Assholes.

bigwords said...

Best response ever.

Kellie Anderson said...

So much this!!! xx

river said...

I've had similar emails, maybe two per year, from those types of people, can't think why, after all, I'm a blogger, therefore a nobody, and I very rarely mention brands of any type on my blog. I marked the most recent one as spam and since then any that come in go straight to my spam folder.

Kymmie said...

Hurrah! Love your work Em. LOVE IT!