Monday, March 30, 2015

I am not going to gloss this over. It is, what it is.

So Monday is here again *Rolls eyes. 

Not just any Monday mind you, but the last Monday of the school term. Ugh. They… I just can’t. *Sips coffee, massages temples.

The kids are tired, they are over it, they can smell the school holidays and they can also smell chocolate because it’s EVERYWHERE. It’s starting to get cooler in the mornings, which makes getting out of bed that little bit harder.

 I have had three requests over this past fortnight to please put my school clothes in the dryer so they are warm.

I don’t oblige, because there is a mammoth pile of miscellaneous shit in the doorway of the laundry, and I can’t deal.

The laundry became my dumping ground over the weekend; I must get EVERYTHING clean for Easter. You know… So that my kids can destroy it over the school holidays. But at least the Easter egg hunt photos will “Look like” my house is tidy sometimes, even if the only thing in my house that will be sparkling will be the fuck-thousand little bits of chocolate egg foil that is littered around the house.

Instead of warming their clothes in the dryer, I just pulled out one of those parenting lines that fill you with great satisfaction when you say them because they make you feel like a parent.

“Oh, are you going to pay the electricity bill are you Wasteful Wayne?”

Then one of my kids said, “But YOU did it yesterday!” 

And I was all like… “Yes! But it wasn’t to make the clothes warm; it was because I STILL don’t know where the iron is OK? I iron in the dryer, you eat a corn chip from the side of the lounge yesterday, I saw you… don’t you dare judge me”

I wonder if the iron is in the pile of miscellaneous shit in the laundry?

Anyway… Mondays are hard around here, I admit though that I make them harder on myself because I am the kind of shit parent that doesn’t look at school notes properly… or at all sometimes. 

Like, last Friday, the kids got a note to ask if I could send in supplies to make an Easter hat in class on Monday. Examples of these could be;

A Hat or ice cream container.
Craft supplies
Fluffy chickens.

I really didn’t want to be that parent that sends their kid in an ice cream tub, even though you could re-use it come spring to keep the magpies from pecking your head. Re-using stuff is mah thing, I am not a Wasteful Wayne like some, but my kids wanted an actual hat.

This would be cool and all, only I didn’t look in their bag last Friday... I looked in their bag THIS MORNING when I went to put their lunchboxes in it.

For. Fuck. Sake... Why do I do this to myself?

I did what any half ass parent does in this situation. I threw on some pants and a bra and I stood at the dining table like a sports coach, and I coached them through eating their Weetbix faster. I banged a hand on the table, and I encouraged them.

“One more spoon, that’s it! Hurry up, chew, chew chew, excellent now put your shoes on… One foot, hurry up, two feet, you can do it...” 

I bundled them into the car and fanged it down to Coles.

It was there I found two sparkly hats that were covered in glitter, and if I am being completely honest... I know nothing is going to stick to that glitter, but it was all they had.

Despite knowing deep down that nothing would stick to it, I still optimistically found a few fluffy chickens, some shredded paper and a few sheets of Easter themed stickers. I’m not proud OK, but desperate time’s people!

I was momentarily buoyed when I saw two other parents in various states of panic grasping glittery hats and searching desperately for the fluffy chickens. I pointed them in the direction of the chickens and yelled after them that 

“There were four sheets of carrot and bunny stickers left... RUN!”  Because we are a village.

Racing back to the car, I divided up the chickens and shredded paper and I stuffed them into the bags of my children.

I made it to school AS the ball rang, which is technically on time OK? I hurried them through the school gate. I blew air kisses and made love heart fingers at them like I was Justin Beiber being bundled into the back of a limo as they ran through the school gate and I ran back to the car.

I know right? Why run back to the car? I DID though!!

I was running on RUSHED and I couldn’t stop! 

I drove back home, I slammed closed the car door and I walked quickly back into the house. I began frantically picking up pyjamas off the lounge room floor before I realised that I didn’t need to hurry any more.

I took a deep breath and I calmed myself. I vowed that NEXT TERM, I would read all the notes and write everything in the calender, then I laughed and laughed, and made another coffee.

I still wasn't calm.. I also don't think the extra caffeine was a great idea.. 

*Heavy breathing...

Happy Monday.

PS- I am contributing over at HER COLLECTIVE today!


river said...

you're going to do better next term? 'scuse me while I laugh hysterically here.....
How can you still not have found that iron? have you even looked? hmmm? (*~*)

Emmas Brain said...

Nope haven't even looked! How did you know? Hahaha xx

river said...

I've been reading here on and off for quite a while, I almost know you well. sort of.

Veggie Mama said...

Christ I hope you ate some hidden chocolate after that. To calm the nerves.

Jacqui said...

I love it! The kids primary school has an insane amount of parent involvement and dress up days. I am over it. My middle child has anxiety and totally melts down with anything to do with dressing up or taking a special thing to school. Those mornings are like hell. Cause whatever he was happy with the night before, he is certainly not happy with at 8.20am in the morning. I have done mad dashes with him to Kmart once classes have started - through gritted teeth - cursing these arsehats at the school who think kids need to dress up every other day. Sigh. I so wish I was a parent in the 70s....I think I would have even drank cask wine!!!!!!!