Wednesday, March 18, 2015

If everyone could just... Get out of my vagina, that would be great.



I got into an argument with my eldest recently about his online digital footprint. He was going for a job interview and I told him that it was good practice to peruse his social media for anything that he may wish to remove before doing so. Just a quick reminder that if there was anything on there that he wouldn’t say to his Nana’s face, then he should have a bit of a digital tidy up. 

Then I tried to have a look at his Facebook wall only to find that I couldn’t. I was RESTRICTED!! 

I went into full psychopath digital footprint police mode about the whole thing, because of what I do for a living, and I was feeling slightly rejected and insulted and angry. 

Restricting your mums access to your Facebook, and trying to carve some sense of privacy and independence is REALLY normal sixteen year old behaviour I know that, but when we got into an argument, he called me...

Wait for it…





A ‘MUMMY’ Blogger.

I grounded him because words are not weapons. No son of mine will use the word Mother as a derogatory term.

Three people have called me a mummy blogger in my life;

Mark Latham.
Peter Berner
And Tim Brunero.

I forgave both Berner and Brunero because they meant no genuine offence.  I even kind of forgave Latham because of his many mummy issues. It was just sad.

Putting ‘Mummy’ at the beginning of anything is patronising, it implies that a women’s value drops when she gives birth. Kind of like a new car leaving a car yard. 

What is the relevance? What difference does being a parent make to who someone is or what it is that they do? NO DIFFERENCE!? It’s patronising, and patronising dear… Is when someone is speaking down to you like you are an idiot, like you may not understand simple things; like the word patronising.

But do you know why I got so mad that my son called me a 'mummy' blogger?

I saw this on twitter yesterday and if you don’t already follow Tara Moss on twitter, you absolutely should. She is amazing.




Ugh,  Faaaark, WHY? For the sweet sweet love of Ed Sheeran STHAP IT!!!

If you feel the need to use the words Mum or Mummy when referring to someone or something, then stop, take a breath into a brown paper bag if you have to, centre your fucking chakras and ask yourself. Is the person and or thing you are referring to your mother?

If the answer is no, then please... Just for fuck sake don’t.

In my son’s case however, this rule didn’t actually apply, but whatever. Grounded.


Before that though… This happened... Did you see this?



Ugh, I know he probably ONLY said it to poke at the Parenting bee hive, and to get some attention or whatever, and I should just ignore him much like you would a child having a tantrum but NO!

Let me tell you something Mr P. Ford.

I left my children to go to Fiji, by myself, for a whole week… not to chase fame, but to get drunk with my friends and lay on the beach and order club sandwiches from room service. I’m not even sorry. Wait…

*Closes eyes and concentrates…

Nope. Couldn’t find a single fuck about what anyone thinks of that.

I have left my children to chase fame too, well kind of… If chasing fame means that I leave them to attend movie premiers and walk on a red carpet for the simple reason that…honest to fuck, sometimes I feel that my actual life and my sense of self- importance don’t marry with each other, so I like to do these things. You can think what you like about me as a person, but the fact that I have children has nothing to do with anything?!

 I leave my children to watch media type Ed Sheeran events, because I fucking felt like it and I like Ed Sheeran Ok?

I leave for entire weekends to interview people and have meetings and write in peace.

I leave to make toilet spray commercials and swish my hair in front of a green screen and a big industrial fan, because I can.

Don't tell anyone... but I once left my kids to go to a party that the Madden boys were going to be at, because MADDEN. BOYS. As if you wouldn’t... Shut up.

I leave my kids to work to make an income, to attend university and I also leave my kids when I shop as often as I can because it’s EASIER and cheaper than taking them.

Chrissie Swan left her children to make money for charity and have some life experiences; she didn’t leave them in a locked car on a thirty five degree day outside the local IGA.

What difference does it make whether she has children or not?

May I ask people who use this term? Is it the whole vagina, birth… something comes out of there thing? Bit scary for some people huh? VAG-IN-AH.

Or is it that women who have children are still expected to cease becoming people who have their own experiences and feelings. They are still supposed to surrender their whole being to their raising their children until those children leave home. Then and only then, these women can do what they like. They can even have a breakdown and live on a diet white house wife wine if they want, because who cares. Kids came out of their vagina, they are worth less anyway.

You know.. Won’t SOMEBODY think of the CHILDREN!! 

Do you know what raising children AND having your own sense of self, with your own stories and experiences does to your children?!?

It might actually raise healthy children who see their parents as people with feelings and experiences.

Imagine that. They might actually get a healthy sense of who their mothers and women are, and then they mightn’t get confused and have a need to call EVERYONE mummy, or use the word MUM out of context with words like mumpreneur. 

They might learn that someone isn’t devalued because a person came out of their… wait I’ll whisper it because I know it can be a bit scary.

“VHAH- GINE- ERRR”

Ugh. I can’t… I just… Everyone shut up, I have a headache.


That’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

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