Monday, March 23, 2015

If your opinion was a dick

There was so much ANGRY all up in the internet last week. Most of it was centred around food. I get it. Hungry people can be really angry. I mean, who am I to talk? I spent in excess of four hours once, arguing over a club sandwich. I understand, but I have this friend right, and she posted a link on Facebook to a controversial... Fuck I am actually going to say the words...

 ‘Paleo’ cookbook.


Anyway, my friend shared the link to an article written about this cookbook and the guy who wrote it… what’s his face… *Clicks fingers… Activated almonds... Ugh.
Pete fucking Evans!! that’s it. 

So my friend offered no opinion on the cookbook or the diet itself, she simply shared the link and made an offhand remark about publicity. 

MY WORD did this make some people cranky.
Within an hour there was a heated debate that involved scientific research, the reputation of family members were attacked, and one particular Cranky Mc Pissed off pulled off the most spectacular example of passive aggressive I had ever seen. Like, if there was a passive aggressive Olympics, this one comment would have come in broken the knee caps off all its competitors with a crow bar, and waited for them all those competitors to fall over before sliding in, punching the air triumphantly and stealing the gold.

The commenter implied that she was saddened to think my friend’s children probably ate nothing but rubbish.

For fuck sake calm down people!!!

Then there was… *Shifty eyes. Thermo-Gate.

Oh yes. If there is a group as passionate about sustenance as the Paleo crowd, it’s the Thermomixers. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Thermomix. I don’t own one, mainly because I am far too pov to fork out $2000 bucks on something that is not a guitar, but I have been to a demonstration. I was impressed.

 So impressed in fact, that I left that demonstration wanting to churn my own butter more than the Polish entrants of last year’s Eurovision.

I am as yet undecided if I want to buy one.

Over the weekend though, there was quite the scene surrounding a blog post that was written by a woman who was not as yet lovingher Thermie.

The fall out was… Remarkable. 

There were attacks, keyboard war, news articles, forum arguments, people were accused of bullying and click baiting and scamming...

I just need to stop for a second and breathe into a paper bag... also make some more popcorn.

It got me thinking about why people get so passionate about diets, and appliances. So passionate in fact that they would openly attack people over their opinions of it?

Having never tried the Paleo diet, or purchased a Thermomix, I am in a pretty shit position to offer any insight. 

I should also add that I have no personal beef (Pardon the pun) with either Paleo diets or Thermomix. I just wished that I understood that level of passion!

I mean, I have felt pretty passionately about a lot of things in my life; 

Equality, child welfare, Ed Sheeran, ending global starvation, first world Buddhists, profitable war, wishing Tony Abbott would just fall on his smug face, the environment, access to education, feminism in regard to the safety of women, the awareness, education and stigma surrounding mental health, politicians who call me mummy, the forced closure of Indigenous communities, Adam Levine.. 

The list goes on. I will defend my stance on these things to the bitter end, I will passionately offer my opinion and I will do my best to share the knowledge I have gained about these things should I be asked. I have as yet though, failed to summon that level of passion over a diet /lifestyle or kitchen appliance.

Now, before you start, I am in no way saying that EVERYONE who follows the Paleo lifestyle of owns a Thermomix is an ‘activated asshole’ who will bully and attack and defend their choice with no regard for the safety of others. I am not saying that at all. 

I have simply noticed that these two topics seem to provoke a large amount of anger from some.

WHY? For the love of the sweet, sweet torso of C-Tates why?

Whilst I don’t understand it, I did come up with some advice on what is an acceptable amount of force to use when distributing ones opinion. Because I can OK, I am a commentator of things that do not concern me, it says it in my bio.. Now.

I call this theory, the ‘Mah Dick’ theory, and it goes like this…

Imagine your opinion is a dick… Ok? Close your eyes... Relax. 

You think your dick is marvellous, you may have paid a large amount of money for that dick. That dick may have changed your life, you feel healthy, energised and invigorated because of it.

You want to tell everyone about your dick, you may even want to show it to everyone as well you should… You are extremely proud of your dick and all of the magical life changing, butter churning things it can do.

By all means, tell me about your dick, I am excited for you that you have found something that has contributed to your life in such a wonderful way. I am happy to hear about it. I may want a dick of my own! Hell, I am even happy to see it if the offer is there.

I mean, if the circumstances are appropriate and you offer politely, I’ll take a look because I am naturally curious. You can send me a Snapchat, or simply flop it on out, I’ll certainly give it a squiz.

I have a problem with your dick though, when you try to ram it down my throat, wave it in my face, or expect me to get as much enjoyment out of your dick as you do. 

It’s not OK to attack those around you because their opinion of your dick differs from your own. Not everyone is going to love your dick, or want to see it, or hear about everything it can do and that’s OK, because the dick is yours my love. 

Someone may have even heard all about your dick and purchased one of their own, but for whatever reason their dick doesn’t fit them as well as yours does.

It’s not OK to slander, attack someone or accuse them of committing some type of fraudulent offence because they tried your dick and didn’t love it.

No one is saying that you can’t love your dick and look at it and marvel at it as much as you like. Your dick can contribute to your life in the most wonderful and amazing ways all it likes, but not everyone wants one. 
You may believe that is their loss and that’s OK, Your dick just simply may not be for everyone. 

You simply can’t MAKE everyone love your dick… That’s just not cool OK?

Similarly, to be fair… It’s really not OK for someone to attack your dick unfairly, just because they don’t have one or don’t understand the pleasure your dick gives you.

So the next time you have an opinion, ask yourself… If this opinion was Mah’ dick, what would be the best way to share it with others?

The answer to that question my friend, is to do it politely, with respect for both your dick, and the person you wish to share in its enjoyment.

That is pretty much all I have to say about that.

Happy Monday. 


John D said...

You slay me. Every. Single. Time.

Ash Kaye said...

Fuck! I love you!

Mrs Woog said...


Donna Harrison said...

I believe activated 'nuts' are supposed to be so much better than your average 'nut'... I do make an activated charcoal soap..... but I haven't tried my dick in the thermomix cause I don't have a 'dick' or a thermomix.... <3 your Mum XXX

Caroline said...

Love it!
Gotta admit I own a Thermo. I do love it, most days ;) Can totally understand why some people don't love it. Not sure about the whole paleo thing but hey whatever floats your boat.
Seriously don't get the whole attacking people online thing. Been around since the dark beginnings of the et & I still don't get it. But people ;)
Now off to check out this post ;)

mumabulous said...

Thermomix - yawn. Why smash the patriachy when you can bore it into submission.

Pinky Poinker said...

Hil-aire. Personally I don't give a fig's arse about a trumped up blender or people who want to give up garlic bread (what the?) but people who attack other people online for voicing a gentle opinion... that makes me cranky.

Daisy said...

Ok, so I just bashed out a post along similar lines, but with less Dick, and more Braveheart... And then I remembered I saw this in my feed earlier today and wanted to check we hadn't written the same post because AWKWARD. I love that we seem to be sharing a dick on this topic though!

Emmas Brain said...

Excellent.. *Monty Burns hand gesture xx

Emmas Brain said...

Not more than I love you, unless you go Paleo.. then you're on your stinkin own. xx

Emmas Brain said...

I don't get it either!!

Emmas Brain said...

Yep. *Sigh

Emmas Brain said...

Won't somebody think of THE GARLIC BREAD!!

Emmas Brain said...

Excellent. Off to check out this post of yours. xx