Just before these school holidays, I looked around my house and decided that I absolutely must get everything sparkling before school term ended. It was imperative that I get a head start on the mess I knew my children would make during the school break, also I wanted the post pictures on Facebook of this year’s Easter Egg hunt for relatives, and I wanted it to ‘look like’ my house was tidy sometimes in those pictures.
Honestly, sometimes I flick through old photos and reminisce at how clean my house looked in the background. I am a bit shit at house work, and by a bit shit I mean I hate doing it.
Recently, I melted a micro-fibre tea towel to our induction cook top.
I asked my mum for advice on Facebook, then... I don't know what happened, but I found myself having to explain to my mum what "Jizz" meant. It was all too hard and disgusting. This is why I hate cleaning shit.
Anyway, while I was waiting contemplating the mammoth task ahead of me, eating a Chocolate Monty and waiting for the next episode of Judge Rinder to start, I saw a commercial for a steam mop.
It wasn’t just any steam mop; it was a portable, environmentally sound, multi-tasking cleaning machine. It cleaned crayon from linoleum in seconds, it made hardwood floors sparkle as though they had just been varnished. It removed all traces of bodily fluids from bathroom tiles. They proved this by waving a blue light around the toilet area.
This intrigued me, because sometimes, after I deep clean my bathroom, I actually feel like things are crawling on me. I can almost see the tiny micro-organisms of filth all over my body. I know how weird this makes me sound, but I plan the cleaning of my bathroom around meals, because I simply can’t eat anything after I have cleaned my bathroom.
I pondered for a moment what my bathroom may look like under a blue light, I gagged a little, put down my half eaten Chocolate Monty and I went on watching this amazing cleaning machine in action.
Women and men smiled as they steamed their way to sparkling windows, shiny ovens, bathroom tiles void of trace evidence, mattresses were sanitised, pillows fluffed, spills vanished from light coloured carpets, garments were steamed, the carpets of cars were emptied of french fry shrapnel and restored to their new car fluffiness, Fibreglass boats and windscreens were blindingly vibrant.
Like federal agents of cleanliness, I watched as the people in this commercial effortlessly snapped an arsenal of filth destroying attachments to this machine, leaving a trail of shiny on everything it touched. I thought to myself, imagine how clean our boat would be if we had a boat! As punched in the website and hoped that I would be one of the first one hundred orders so that I could receive a free set of washable cloths.
I was. In case you were curious.
I figured I couldn’t lose, as the machine was advertised as ‘Risk free’ because I could try it for 30 days and if I wasn’t completely satisfied, I could return the product and pay only $14.95 for the postage and handling.
Anyway, a few days I heard the fit tattooed post guy run down our drive way. Our post guy always runs, which is probably why he is a bit fit, if you know what I mean, not that I have noticed too much because I am married and everything, but you know... He is. Just saying.
So, fit post guy gave me the wary side eye as he handed over my parcel with a vibrant red AS SEEN ON TV sticker on the front. I said to him “I’ll thank you not to judge me for buying something from the TV OK?” Because he may be fit and all, but there’s no excuses for being rude. He reassured me that he wasn’t judging, and that everybody buys shit off the TV. He would know I guess, because he delivers it.
So, anyway, I took my steaming machine out of the box and flipped open the assembly instructions. The first thing I noticed was that there was a small sticker on the front of the machine that read;
“USE TAP WATER ONLY”
Then I perused the instructions and noted that they read;
“USE DISTILLED WATER ONLY IN THIS MACHINE”
I thought, Fuck this. It’s all way too complicated, and shoved it back in the box and waited for Cabbage to get home.
Several days later, I had a fully assembled steam MACHINE! I was so excited to mop my floor, which is really sad I know, but true. So I filled it with tap water, because distilled water... WHAT THE FUCK IS DISTILLED WATER?
The machine made a rhythmic base beat and steam began pouring out.
I won’t get into too much detail from this point, because it basically just steamed the floor. It was great, but not as great as the people in the commercial made out. As someone who is adept in making commercials, I felt a bit ripped off at their lack of integrity.
Speaking of which, are you watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmitt? DID YOU SEE THAT THEY HAD A WHOLE EPISODE THAT MADE FUN OF MY COMMERCIAL?!? HAHAHA! YESsssss!
Meanwhile, the mop itself worked well on the floor, I could tell because there was a spot on the floor that our dog Buster Move used to repeatedly piss on about four years ago, and as I steamed over that spot I could smell that piss.
My whole house at this point smelled like steamed dog piss, which was hardly the trailing strip of sparkling that I was expecting.
Next up, I thought I would steam some garments. By garment’s, I mean the Teen’s work uniform.
Y’all know I can’t find my iron and I usually iron in the dryer, but I was pretty excited about trying out this feature. As I got ready to iron with the gadget I had bought from daytime TV, I just knew that somewhere in Canberra, Tony Abbott felt a warm joyful sensation trickle down his trouser leg.
I have to say, that attaching the garment steamer was also misrepresented in the commercial, I felt nothing like a federal agent snapping on the pieces. I felt more like I may break the whole machine, which I may have done, as the garment steamer didn’t so much “Steam” my garment as spit bits of scalding water on it.
I immediately threw it in the dryer to dry the water spots and get the creases out.
I guess I really should just return it and pay only $14.95 postage and handling, but we all know that’s not going to happen. In all honesty I can’t be bothered doing that, NO ONE can actually be bothered doing that... That is how they get you. I am probably just going to suck it up like a chump, and maybe crack it out on the weekend and give my windows a once over.
Everyone knows I won’t… *Sigh.
In conclusion, don’t buy a steam mop from the TV.
I did. It’s not worth it.
Meanwhile, the fit post guy told me that EVERYBODY buys stuff off of the TV. Who are you? What did you buy? Was it worth it? Tell me EVERYTHING.