Thursday, April 30, 2015

I went on a road trip and a Bogan neighbour update.



I know I said I was going to be funny again LAST week, but I was busy taking a road trip with Kez to the Central Coast, where we interviewed some very talented musicians, Kasey Chambers was there... That’s a clue for you, but I can’t tell you who they were just yet, but I can’t wait for you to see the video we made.

HILAR.



Not so hilair was the storm carnage up there, we left the day after the rain started and getting home was slow going. One part of the train journey involved a guy in the seat behind passing out and rolling into the walkway of the train carriage. We stopped at the next station, the ambo’s came, it was all very dramatic.

Anyway, I have been busy editing video, which isn’t very fun or easy. Fun and easy are pretty much the main criteria that must be met for anything I do, so I have not been a very happy camper of late. Add to that, the news is depressing, the weather is depressing, my house is depressing...

I fucking HAAAATE housework. I loathe it. I despise it with the fire of a thousand suns. 

Unfortunately for me, I also despise sitting in mess. If I could be one of those people on hoarders, who can simply clear a little burrow in the corner somewhere, just push aside the rodent carcasses and newspapers and just pretend that I am not actually surrounded by filth, I reckon I would be a lot more relaxed.

I can’t though, and man, it pisses me off to no end. It gets to a point where I start resenting everyone in the house. Does that happen to you? The feeling grows with every discarded sock, every snack refuse or cereal bowl I pick up, every towel left mid hallway, YES MID- FUCKING- HALL WAY. I have no idea why there are towels in the middle of my hallway, as it seems like a strange place to drop a towel. 

Perhaps it was dropped in order to treat someone to a show of dick flapping. That happens a lot around here; the minute nakedness occurs it seems that the most natural thing to do is to flap your dick around and around, jutting it in the general direction of the nearest person.

I don’t know why. I don’t have a dick… Maybe if I had one I would understand.

I am getting a bit off topic here… Point is that I am full of resentment at the unfair distribution of domestic responsibility in my home. This happens a lot. 

You know that scene in Liar liar where Jim Carey’s character, I can’t remember his name.. *Clicks fingers…. FLETCHER! When Fletcher gets his car impounded, and it’s scratched and the impound guy denies that he scratched it.

Jim Carrey goes; “You know what I’m going to do about this?”

And the impound guy says “What?”

And Jim Carrey says “NOTHING! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will drain 8 hours of my life and you probably won’t show up, and even if I got the judgment you’d just stiff me anyway. So what I’m gonna do is PISS AND MOAN, like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it in the tail pipe”


 That’s pretty much how I feel every time I piss and moan about the unfair distribution of domestic duties in my home.

Remember the last time when I was having one of these resentment filled overflow attacks, and I had that argument with the guy down the road... In the middle of the street? Hmmm Remember that?  I am pleased to say that there have been some developments in this.

If you are new here, I’ll quickly fill you in because I can’t be bothered googling the post I wrote about it.

This one time, the Bogan a few houses down (*Robbo) had a few too many drinks, he started on at my next door neighbour about her cat... I don’t know, shitting in his yard or something I can’t remember exactly. But he was being a jerk, and he was in her face and I was so mad, and full of resentment and… probably had PMS, whatever, I couldn’t stand it. 

So I marched over there and gave him a telling off. I am pretty good at telling people off, especially when I am angry. So it worked, and Bogan guy sheepishly walked back to his house, while I followed, jabbing a finger and yelling stuff. Anyway, this all happened on the day that new people moved in across the road. 

So there I was, mid street, no shoes on, finger jabbing, yelling and head bobbing all over the place in front of the new neighbours who we hadn’t met yet because they had just moved in that day.

Classy hey?

So these new neighbours refused to make eye contact with us... Even after I sent them a Christmas card. 

The card read;


Hi New neighbours!

I looked around to find the right card to welcome you to the street, but unfortunately hallmark do not make,   ‘I’m sorry you had to witness that screaming Bogan argument yesterday’ cards, so I settled on a Christmas one.  
   
We are so terribly embarrassed.

Unfortunately, a few doors down have been having a hard time of late, and an argument erupted over cats, I think?! 

We would like to reassure you, that you have not moved in to an episode of Houso’s, and this is not a regular occurrence, in fact,  that was our first ever bogan street argument, so I am not quite sure of the etiquette in apologising to your new neighbours you have not yet met.

Anyway, WELCOME to the neighbourhood! & our sincerest apologies.

Forever embarrassed,
Emma and Cabbage (across the road)


No reply.. Rude, Just saying..

Anyway that’s what happened the last time I was this full of resentment, but I am pleased to report that a few weeks ago something miraculous happened in the no eye contact situation. Three years I have waited to prove to them that I am not that much of a Bogan OK? Three years... Then;

It was a sunny Monday morning, I was out collecting the mail and the male of the neighbours who don’t make eye contact was bringing their council bins in from the kerb.

It was one of those uncomfortable situations that I had found myself in many times before, what should I do?  Look up and attempt to make eye contact? 
Do I gesture with a wave?. Do I say “Hey!  Lovely morning, did you get my hilarious Christmas card that I sent you three years ago?”

Usually I will glance in their general direction to see them hurriedly finishing whatever they are doing and keeping their eyes firmly on what they are doing, or the view, or their feet, pretty much anywhere that does not involve my general vicinity, they don't make eye contact, and rejected I walk back inside REALLY wanting to explain myself, to somehow justify my bogan-ish behaviour from three years ago.

Not this sunny Monday morning however.

 I glanced in the area of the male neighbour who can’t make eye contact, the sun was shining its through the trees, the birds were singing, butterflies danced around the geranium bushes that were in their yard. (The very same geranium bushes that are now in my own garden, because I stole a few cuttings before they moved in). 

And then, as though it were in slow motion, they raised their head, their eyes drifted from their drive way, slowly their head lifted and like magic their direct line of sight snapped with mine. 
The man’s lip began to quiver, slowly it formed a smile, then a friendly grin overcame his face showing just the right amount of teeth. His shoulder twitched, his arm extended above his head and his hand made a waving formation. His smile gave way to a melodic... 

“Heeeey!.. Lovely day!”

I couldn’t quite believe my eyes, and it must have been the shock of the whole experience, but my arm also extended, I waved and smiled, and said… Wait.. 

I can’t.. I just need a minute.
*
*
*
I said…
*
*
*
*

“How’s it garn?”

 Like THAT!! Like CARL BARRON!!



 I DON”T EVEN SPEAK LIKE THAT!!!
THREE YEARS I SPENT TRYING TO PROVE I WASN”T THE STREET BRAWLING BOGAN THEY THOUGHT I WAS, AND I SAY HOW’S IT GAAAARN!!!!

He smiled... nodded and walked inside.

I said how’s it garn.

I just… I can’t even. *Shakes head sadly.

So that’s that I guess. Luckily for me I won’t be leaving the house for a while, because it is full of other people’s crap I have to pick up.

Hope you are having an excellent week.



*Robbo is not Bogans real name.

3 comments:

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Bwaaa haaaa haaaaa.


Dickhead.


I fucking love you.

Pinky Poinker said...

Oh my Gawd. I wish you were my neighbour. That's all I have to say darl x

Bee said...

I've got non-eye-contact neighbours as well. Maybe they're just shy people (or maybe they're just dickheads). How's it gaarn is definitely entering my lexicon starting from tomorrow.