Tuesday, February 2, 2016

How to woman. A comprehensive guide to vagina ownership.

How to woman. A comprehensive guide to vagina ownership.

Congratulations on your vagina.

Having a vagina though, is not all parasailing over an ocean to smile serenely and twirl about through a lush field of indeterminable pink flowers, whilst sporting a crisp pair of snug fitting ¾ length white capris pants and rollerblades like the feminine hygiene products will have you believe.

No my friend. A vagina is a responsibility for life, not just for Christmas.

Don’t be frightened however, there are plenty of people and media coverage to help you navigate the tricky world of vagina ownership, and if at any time you feel unsure, you may simply open your social media feeds, desktop, or mobile browser and there will be a plethora of advice ready at your fingertips to ensure you aren’t ‘Doing Vagina’ wrong.

Having so much advice however can be overwhelming. This series of posts will help you make sense of this abundance of helpful vagina regulation and the principal of acceptable behaviour available to you in the media each week.

Responsible vagina ownership means understanding and accepting that what you do with that vagina is open to constant scrutiny from everyone; certain rules must be followed for the good of mankind and all of the earth’s children.

Won’t somebody please think of the fucking children?

This brings us to the first regulation. Let’s take a look at the most popular advice in the media this week regarding children.  

Why I hear you ask? What does this have to do with my vagina?

Well, as we all know, babies come from vaginas. Not only is that how they get in there, but it is also often the way they come out. Whilst the details of this may not appear to be any of anyone else’s personal concern, it most certainly is.

 If you are going to go around making people, then eventually those people are going to be out in society, they may eventually end up living next door, and therefore, it is up to everyone to govern you to make sure you are doing it right. It is only fair.

Let us first take a look at one of the most important decisions you will make when your child is born.
What are you going to name that child?

It is very important to consult everyone around you when it comes to naming a baby. Think about it; be considerate when choosing a baby name. Those around you will have to read your baby’s name in their social media feeds once you do the birth announcement, your child’s name will also appear in small bold Calibri body font below your child’s school class photo, next to their child. Also others around you may on occasion have to hear you call your child’s name whilst you are out in the general public. Don’t be so selfish.

Don’t despair though. To make sure you aren’t doing it wrong, Kidspot this week have kindly offered some advice for not giving your baby the wrong name. In particular, the wrong Hipster name.
 Yes it seems that some names are just too cool, and nope, not allowed. Too bad.

Hazel and Edith are out, because who cares how adorable those names actually are, giving your child those names will run the risk of you looking like a wanker trying to be cool for the sake of being cool. Which let’s face it. Is not cool. You know… According to Kidspot. *Squints into the sun to avoid any involuntary facial amusement.

Also banned are names like Ella and Miles. Apparently these names are too Jazz musician-y sounding, and who do you think you are?  

I mean, Louis Armstrong that said “If you have to ask what Jazz is, you will never know” And if you name your baby without first consulting a judgmental article on an online parenting publication, well, shame faced for you…  You deserve what you get.

Harper and Atticus are also out of line it seems. You can’t just go around picking an adorable name because it is also a name that exists in 20th century literature. For that matter, please make sure you copyright your child’s name when the minute they are born, just in case their name ends up being the same as a character in a novel in the future. 
Fucking seriously... How many novels is Stephen king up to now? It’s only a matter of time before he has to use your kid’s name, and no one wants their kid to be have the same name as a demonic thermo-mix, that sends subliminal messages to kill people and over run the earth with clown... It is only a matter of time.

You can also go have it off with yourself if you think it is acceptable to name your child after a ‘Travel destination’   London and Sydney are out. 
Apparently naming your child after your favourite travel destination or the place they were conceived is so passé. This is not so great news for adorable names like Savannah or Adelaide, but let’s face it. It is great news for all of the little ones whose parents like to holiday in places like Bong County- Liberia or Dildo-Newfoundland, not to mention the babies conceived in places like Smut Eye-Alabama or Condom-France. 

Speaking of which, a condom may be the only way to not name your baby wrong according to Kidspot.

Check out the article HERE

Once you have your baby name sorted, you must accept that you will never again get a weekend, public holiday, lunch break, or any break again for that matter. Your child must consume your whole life and your entire existence must be given to meeting the needs of that child forever and ever. It’s how functioning members of society are made after all.

You certainly can’t go pissing off on a weekend with two of your best mates, lying around with a Pimms and eating strawberries, getting some sun on your tits on a balcony somewhere. Because that is absolutely not what I got up to last weekend, and if anyone says otherwise they are a filthy dirty liar.

You must always cater for your childs needs at all times or you're doing it wrong, unless of course it is at the expense of how you may appear to others during the school drop off.

In order to do it right, make sure that you also have time to get dressed, because feeding your child breakfast, making sure they are clean and dressed, with enough reasonably healthy sustenance for the day ahead, as well as all of the things they need for that day, library books, pencil case, hat and sunscreen and a great big reassuring kiss are important. But just as important as these things, is looking like you did it effortlessly by making sure you don’t take them to school whilst still wearing your oversized  Lynyrd Skynyrd T shirt circa 1987, Harry Potter leggings that you bought from Jay Jays for ten bucks and ughs.  I mean how fucking hard is it?

Lucky for us all though, a School Principal let us know how not to do mornings wrong this week when a letter was sent out to the parents of little ones attending Skerne Park Academy, reminding parents of the importance of setting a good example for your children by making sure you always appear to everyone else like you completely have all of your shit together and are coping at all times.

Even if you’re not.

Even if you have the flu, have had no sleep with a teething baby, even if you are a bee’s pubic hair away from losing your shit, even if you aren’t losing your shit and you simply ran out of time. Just fucking don’t. For the sweet love of Russel Brands abs, just LOOK like you are superior to every other parent at the school gate at all costs.

According to Principal Chisolm, she ‘doesn’t give a hoot what people wear at home’, to which the public replied that they couldn’t give a flying fuck what Mrs Chisolm thought about wearing Pyjamas to the school drop off and everyone went home and had watched Dr Phil the end.

You can read the article HERE

Please if you see an article that is helpful to your vagina, please ping or email it my way.
Cheers. xx

1 comment:

Pinky Poinker said...

Vaginas should be nicer to other vaginas. That sounds weird when I see it in print. But you know what I mean. Less judgy mcjudgy judginess is needed.